Dreams

I’m not sleeping much anymore. Seems like every time I sleep I dream about my dad. In my dreams he is killed or is dead. I wake up relieved it is a dream, and then reality hits me and I remember my dad is really gone. But don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

Advertisements

Pre-Trial

So, today is pre-trial day. I am unable to attend, but my nerves and anxiety are bad today. Really don’t know what to expect.

I still find myself secretly wishing all of this is just some horrible dream. Hoping that the next time I go to my parents’ house, I will see my dad sitting there.

I have been seeing dad in my dreams quite a bit. However, he doesn’t talk to me. He is always there smiling.

Hair Drama and Summer Camp

Image result for parenting a teenager meme

I have gotten more gray hair since my daughter has turned thirteen. It is a new adventure having a teenager. The attitude is challenging.

My once social butterfly does not want to do anything now. I drag her to 4-H. I tell her she can’t quit softball. She just wants everything to come easily to her. If something is challenging she wants to quit. She wants to play on her phone and be left alone.

Once I get her to 4-H, she has so much fun. Once I get her to softball, she is amazing.

So, I don’t know if I’m a great parent or a horrible parent… I signed my daughter up for two summer camps this year. She’s been going to summer camp for the past three or four years. She has tried a junior camp, a science camp, and a craft camp. She loved the craft camp last year and is wanting to go to it again this year. So I signed her up for it. Then I noticed that the craft camp ends on a Wednesday and that Thursday an adventure camps starts. At the adventure camp they do wall climbing, zip lining, ropes courses. Things my daughter would absolutely love. I talked to the camp director and have it worked out where I can just drop my daughter off at the craft camp on Monday and pick her up at the end of the adventure camp on Saturday – the camps are a few hours away and I didn’t see a reason to drive back and forth on back to back days. I have not told my daughter about it yet. She is aware of the camp, but she is not aware she is signed up for it.

I don’t know how she will respond. Worse case scenario, I will drop her off at camp and say see you in a week.

It is not like I am shipping her off for the entire summer. It is not like I am putting her in a camp that she would find boring.

So, parenting win or parenting fail… not sure… yet.

Then, there was hair drama yesterday with my daughter and ex. He told her he would pay for her to get her hair done. In his mind, twenty dollars for a hair cut. In her mind, $100 for a cut and ombre hair style…

So, their texts/conversation consisted of the two of them getting angry at the other one. My daughter screaming and crying. My ex cussing.

I’m on the fence about the situation. 1. that is a lot to get your hair done, but it is not like she will go back over and over to do it again. 2. ex did tell her he would pay for her to get her hair done.

 

Sentencing

Mom called me last night – talk about being completely shocked. Anyway, she was calling to get my opinion on sentencing of the guy that killed dad. It is now a Class B felony. It has been moved up to homicide.

She told me that she doesn’t want to take all of his money. She does not want him to rot in jail. Why? Because he has two young children.

Okay, I get that. BUT he does not have custody of the children!! His mother took him to court for custody.

It would a different story if this was a family man that made a dumb mistake one time – for example drinking and driving or texting and driving.

No, this guy is a rich druggie. He has money and thinks he is above the law. He killed my dad and then later that week got arrested for meth. This is a guy that does not care.

Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe I want revenge. I don’t know.

His lawyer tried getting the court date postponed to December. The judge said this is a homicide charge and a family waiting in limbo for some closer. The judge denied waiting until December.

So, during our phone call, mom asked me what I wanted. I broke down crying. I seriously just want my dad back. I want all of this to be some horrible dream that I can wake up from.

In reality, I think I want the guy to go to jail for at least 10 years. After that, I want him to finish his court ordered rehab. I think his probation should be 5-10 years. During probation, he should have to take random drug tests (a couple a week, at least).

DWI Charges

Those that have been reading my posts the past few months know the situation surrounding my dad’s death. The guy that killed my dad had court last week. I expected mom to call or to text me after court – to sometime that day – to keep me informed on what is going on in the case. She didn’t. I messaged her. Found out the state is adding DWI charges to the list of crimes. The court date has once again been postponed. Hard to believe my dad has been gone for five months.

Personal Struggle

Before dad’s death, I rarely talked to my mom. After dad was killed, I did call mom everyday. Then started to call every couple of days. Recently, its been about once a week. I figured dad would want me to call and check on her.

However, ever since mom told me she has been STILL talking to ex about me behind my back I am struggling to decide what I should do.

Do I keep calling? When I do call, do I say as little as possible? Do I stop calling?