I wasn’t sure what to write about this morning. I went onto my social media. Once I seen the post, I knew. Someone was asking about getting closure after their divorce. It inspired me.
I was there almost five years ago.
I wanted closure. I thought I needed closure. Guess what, I never got closure. I will never get closure. I am fine with that, now.
When I got divorce, I demanded closure. I did not understand what I did wrong. I wanted to know what mistakes I made. I wanted to know why did he choose different women, over and over, instead of choosing me.
I cried. I screamed. I lost myself in a deep depression. I even attempted to end my life. None of which ever got me my closure.
Now, do not think this healing happened overnight. It didn’t. This is years of healing. I know I still have more healing to do, too.
Yes, I would love to know what went wrong – not just in my marriage, but also with online dating. Every time a person ghosts, I would love that closure. I would be able to learn from the mistakes and grow from it.
However, do you see my wording? Do you see how I keep wanting to know what “I” did wrong? What were “my” mistakes?
Exactly, maybe it wasn’t “me.” Maybe it was them. Maybe they need to reflect on their life, their choices, their mistakes. I have reflected. I do reflect each time.
With my marriage, I realized I did love him. I was madly in love with him. I also feared him. However, I feared not being with him more than I feared being with him. I feared being alone. I feared dying alone and not having anyone by my side. I feared not being able to pay my bills. I feared failing as a parent because my child was going to be raised in a broken home.
As I look back on my marriage, I realize I was glamorizing so much of it. I was overlooking so many horrible events, and behaviors. I was justifying and even allowing it, because of fear. Same is true with online dating. I overlook and ignore red flags. Then I justify negative behavior. I have a perfect example, the last guy I was seeing. I spent seven months seeing this guy, then I find out he is engaged. I ignored red flags over those seven months. I justified them. Why? Honestly… Because it was wonderful to have adult interaction and intimacy again. It was wonderful to have someone to chat with and to share with. Again, I was glamorizing it.
As I said, I still have healing to do, but I have came so far already.