Being with Someone New

Today’s post is risque, but it is reality for individuals after divorce: sex with someone new.

Now, I know some people may not think a thing of it. However, this was a major step for me after my divorce. I was with my ex-husband a total of fifteen years. He was my first, and for a long time, he was my only. I do think this was one reason I stayed with my ex-husband. (Even after the divorce, I continued to sleep with him for two more years.) It takes so much trust for me to be comfortable enough to sleep with someone.

A little insight of why this was such a struggle:

I had my first boyfriend in seventh grade. I was innocent. He was older, in high school. He would pin my arms and pin me against the wall.

Now, many years later I see what was wrong with that picture, but growing up I was always told if a boy was mean to you that means he likes you. (Remember playing on the playground and a boy would snap your bra, or pull your ponytail? Yeah, supposedly that was code for “I have a crush on you.” NOT!! Please do not teach your children to believe that is what love is.)

However, that behavior continued. Different boyfriends, same behavior. As I got older and into high school, the behavior got worse. Actually, much worse.

So, first reason it was so hard for me to be with someone new: trust, and boundaries. What happens if I change my mind and say “no” how will the guy react?

Next, body image issues. I have been overweight since third grade. I lost a family member that I was very close to, I did not handle it well. I became an emotional eater. The only time in my life that I was not fat was during high school when I starved myself. I also learned negative coping skills growing up. I started to self-injure fairly young.

Second reason: I don’t like my body, why would anyone else? There are scars and stretch marks. There is fat every where. And come on, during sex there is a lot of motion…

Okay, so with a little insight it is a little easier to understand my position. After my divorce, I could not see myself with anyone else. I remember talking to my ex-husband – I knew he was already sleeping with someone else – saying that I would want to be in a relationship with someone for a year before I decide to sleep with them. He laughed and told me no one would ever wait that long to be with me. For a long time I believed that.

Fast forward to eighteen months completely finished with ex. I met a guy online. We got along. He was attractive. He made me feel attractive. He had a tongue ring – first person I’d ever kissed with a tongue ring. I highly recommend it. I felt comfortable with him. I asked him if he would be interested in having sex. Yes, I asked. He did not ask, nor did he force. Wasn’t the fireworks I was hoping for, but wasn’t completely horrible.

I’d jumped a major hurdle, being with someone new after my divorce. I finally believed the saying: the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one. It was true. After that I found I wasn’t in love with my ex anymore. I had love for him – he is the father of my child; he was my first; we have so much history together. But, I wasn’t in love.

It is human nature to want and to need intimacy. However, I still have my struggles and issues. I did find another guy. The sex was I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E!!

Now, I am back in the single life and online dating scene. What does that mean? Constant inappropriate pictures and Netflix and Chill offers. I am hopeful the right person will come along though.

So, really bite the bullet and have fun. Remember, you have the right to say “no.” And remember to be safe. But divorced life does not mean the death of your sex life.

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