A tad jealous…

Typically I am over my ex-husband. I don’t want him back. The things I used to find cute actually annoy the hell out of me now. However, yesterday something happened that actually brought on a little hurt and jealousy.

Ex is currently deployed – not a clue when he is coming back, he will not talk to me. Instead he messages our child and she has to relay messages to me. Here’s the thing, I am not upset that he is not “chatting” with me – who cares! I am annoyed that if it is something I need to know or something I should know, he is not able to send me a message – what is he afraid of?

Anyway, so yesterday my kiddo had her phone and out of the blue exclaimed “Why do I care?!?” Of course I asked her what was going on. Apparently, ex had messaged her asking when school starts back in the fall. She had respond that she did not know. Ex said that girlfriend’s kids – who go to a different school district – already know when school starts in the fall. I have an idea of the week school starts, but not the exact date – there’s nothing posted on the school’s website or social media. I was curious why he wanted to know – how much effort should I put into finding out the answer right then?

Apparently, ex is planning a big “family” vacation when he gets back. This hurts for two reasons: 1. he will only go on a day girlfriend and her kids can make it – but ironically, they have taken vacations and trips together without our daughter. I get he has been deployed for a couple of months. I would love for him to take our daughter on a vacation and spend some time with her. However, I know what will happen. 2. we never took vacations during our marriage. I remember one vacation – which it was so much fun – but it was a couple of hours away for one night. Now, they constantly go out of state (another complaint – think I should be entitled to know if my child is being taken out of state just in case something happens) or rent a cabin.

Yes, I’m jealous. I’m jealous that I struggle each month with money and he can just spend and travel as he pleases. I’m jealous that girlfriend gets the trips and quality time that I never got – honestly, don’t think that would have saved our marriage anyway.

I’m trying to not to be jealous. I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her father and the girlfriend – if she is going to be in my kid’s life, I expect them to get along and for her to treat my child right. I’m trying not to ask where’s karma? He was the one that was unfaithful! He was the one that never wanted more children! He was the one that used me for sex even after the marriage was over. He was the one that told me he will never get married again – Yes, another fear of mine: ex’s marriage. I hold my breath every Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and birthdays waiting to be blindsided.

I know I’m being childish, but there is still some hurt. Honestly, I don’t see me getting upset or crying but there is still some jealousy — mainly, I want to be taken to the beach for a much needed vacation. haha!

Honestly, I know I should delete this entry – forget about it completely – but I know it is bothering me. Not really the vacation aspect – great, can’t wait to hear about my daughter’s adventure and see gorgeous pictures of the beach. The failure of communication between us as parents is what is really bothering me. Last night I had a dream about my ex-husband:

We were in the car together. He was driving. I was trying to ask him something and talk to him. He was screaming at me and telling me not to talk to him because we are divorced, and divorced couples don’t have to talk to each other.

In my dream, I remember hearing my daughter’s voice from the back seat saying: please help. Please make my mom and dad stop fighting. Please help us.

That last part really stuck with me. I don’t want my child to feel like she is caught in the middle, or that she has to take a side. I don’t want her to grow up with parents that can not be around each other.


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