Deployment is coming to a close.

This is the first deployment my ex-husband has had since our divorce. Ironically, this deployment sent him to the exact same location and base as his last deployment, which was the final nail in the coffin of our marriage.

After he returned from that deployment, I knew my marriage was over.

I hated talking to him online while he was deployed because it always led to a fight. It always felt like there was another person just off camera that he would look at and whisper to. If we messaged instead of video chatted, his messages always were aggressive and looking for a fight. I felt like I was being used in a sick game – how much shit could I take before I break.

When he returned from that deployment, I was sitting at my daughter’s school – she had cheer that day. I was reading a book because her group was in another location practicing for a few minutes. Ex came in and kicked the chair I was sitting in. That was how I was greeted. It wasn’t a playful and loving – kind of flirting – type of kick. This kick had force behind it. I really think he wanted to knock me onto the floor. He asked where our daughter was; I told him. That was all he said to me. That was on a Wednesday.

That Saturday, we took our daughter to a rodeo. Ex had not spoken to me since he’d been back. Tension was horrible. After we got home, he went to bed. I stayed up. I decided to get on his computer. He was still signed into everything. (To this day, I regret not looking). I logged him out of his Facebook, e-mail, and messenger. I was about to log out of his Skype, and something in me said I needed to look. So, I did. I opened the first conversation. It was to a female. I could only see his responses, but that was enough. Long story short: He told her he was going to divorce me to be with her. He’d bought her gifts – including sexy underwear.

I logged out. I couldn’t read any more. I ended up shutting down the computer without even bothering to surf the web – or whatever my original intention was to kill the time before heading to bed.

The next day – Sunday, I told ex what I knew. He claimed they never had sex, but he wanted to and she’d turned him down. He said that he’d planned on telling me that he wanted a divorce on Monday because he didn’t want to ruin my weekend.

I filed for divorce the next day.

Fast forward five years. I don’t want my ex back. However, I was concerned about him being deployed. With deployments there is always the risk of him not returning – how would that effect my daughter? It’s hard enough for her to have divorced parents, but to have a decease parent?

Since we are not married, in the case of his death, who is on his will? Our daughter? His parents? His girlfriend and her kids? I did talk to him a little about it before his deployment. Our daughter was listed for his life insurance.

I was concerned about being able to juggle my schedule and my daughter’s schedule, but even when ex is in the states he is over four hours away. So, I juggle schedules all the time without him.

Actually, I haven’t thought much about him during this deployment. I don’t message him unless it is about our kid. If video chats with her on her phone.

Honestly, I have really enjoyed getting to have my daughter full-time. I am not ready to go back to having her only part-time. I know she needs time with ex. I am not going to keep his kid from him. But it is still going to be an adjustment for me, and I think for her too. She is used to living with me. Now she will have to go back to sharing a room with ex’s girlfriend’s kids; and spending most of her time with her dad actually with girlfriend at her house.

I know I’m being selfish.

Maybe I’ll actually find someone worth dating again to occupy my “kid free” time. Doubt it. I haven’t been even asked out on a date since April, which was the serial cheater. No one actually makes it through chatting more than a day, if that.

I am concerned about ex’s return. Will I have any emotions? Will there be drama? I know he is planning on a vacation when he gets back. Apparently he has mentioned taking my kid to the beach – awesome! Bitter sweet thought – I would love for her to see the beach, but to miss that experience with her makes me sad.

The other day, ex messaged my kid saying they were not going to the beach. Instead, he was thinking about going to the Great Lakes. Okay. Not as exciting as the beach, but cool. I just want my kid to be safe and to have a great time.

Honestly, I would love if ex would take only her – our daughter – on vacation. I think that time would be great for the two of them. However, I know my ex. He is going to take girlfriend and her kids too.

I know what you are thinking, he’s in a relationship. That’s how relationships work. True. But, he knows more about what is going on in girlfriend’s kids’ lives than his own daughter. He is damaging their relationship because he chooses girlfriend and her kids over his daughter. I think he should spend some time with his daughter then take everyone somewhere (My daughter said I should come too). Hell, I will come and watch the kids – haha.

Now, he apparently is planning just to stay in state for the trip. He wants to go to a water park. My kid wants to go to a science museum. I am not sure how this situation will play out, but I hope she gets to do something fun and enjoyable.

I’m not ready for his deployment to be over only because I worry about what drama may occur.


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