I have known my ex-husband since ninth grade. Actually, turns out in eighth grade I let him copy off my classwork, and in band he was the student always picked by the teacher to take names if anyone talked when the teacher left the room.
We were friends throughout high school. We didn’t start dating until the summer before our senior year. While we were friends there were red flags/ signs of what type of person he was. I ignored them. He was emotionally abusive even then. During my junior year I was engaged to someone, he was a horrible person. He had a temper. Apparently a rumor started going around that we had sex. My ex-husband took that rumor and played with it to hurt me. He would write “condom queen” in my jacket or on my notebooks. He told other guys to call me that. Even the cheating, in high school he always let different girls hang on him. He loved the attention.
I ignored the red flags. I thought he would change. He didn’t. During our marriage he continued to be emotionally abusive and a cheater. He bad mouthed me because of my weight. After one deployment he came back and the first thing he said to me was how fat I was, and that I should have lost some weight while he was gone.
I stayed married to him out of fear. I truly believed I did not deserve better. Abuse was all I knew, so I thought that was true love. I hoped he would change. After our divorce, a new fear appeared – being on my own, being single, and not having the father of my child there. So, again I told myself he would change. We actually had more sex after our marriage than the majority of our entire marriage. I thought if I gave him whatever he wanted he would change. He didn’t.
Three years ago, when he was still seeing me, he started seeing another woman. She had three kids. I thought he would change and realize how important his daughter was. Instead he became his “father of the year” to girlfriend’s kids and continued to put mine in second place. And he tells me often that he is a great father to her children.
I used to beat myself up with thoughts of what was wrong with me? Why was I not good enough? Why does girlfriend get the family man and the great boyfriend that I always hoped for? Actually, things are not always as they appear. He didn’t change.
He returned from his deployment yesterday. I did not hear from him, but I told my daughter to see if he was at his house since we were in town – he lives in town – and I would take her by to see him. He said that he just got back and that he would come by later to see her. I stopped at his house so my daughter could see him. First off, my divorce decree states I am not required to give him additional days to make up for missed visitations due to military. Yesterday was technically my day. He automatically assumed he would get her, which was fine but he did not ask nor did he even talk to me about it. That drives me crazy. He has told our daughter that we are divorced so he does not have to talk to me. I have told him we have a child together so he has to talk to me about her in order to co-parent. Honestly, if girlfriend wasn’t in the picture I think ex would do a better job communicating, but girlfriend has two ex-husbands and does not have a good relationship with either of them. So, I think there is a little jealousy and maybe fear that I will steal him back. He will never change. Really I wasn’t surprised that he did not ask me about having our daughter.
We got to his house and girlfriend was there, but not her car. So, he had time to run by her house and get her. My daughter was hurt. Girlfriend got to see him first. Really? What a lousy move. I know why he said he was going to come by my house later to see my daughter – because he was going to leave girlfriend at his house. I know I’m naive thinking he should have wanted to see his child first. I know if I had been away for three months, my daughter would be the first person I would want to see. Relationships come and go, but that is your child forever. My daughter rolled her eyes when she seen he’d picked up girlfriend. I know she was hurt. I was hurt for her. He is never going to change.
I know how today is going to go, girlfriend is going to go to work and ex is going to babysit her kids. I wish he would spend some time with his daughter. He barley talked to her during the entire deployment. He is never going to change.
Just like this weekend, apparently he is taking a trip out of state. Lucky for him our decree doesn’t outline a time frame that he has to run by me before taking her out of state – it should. I find out that girlfriend is not going on this weekend trip. Instead, he is taking her children. What?!? Then I am hurt for my child again. She wants to go to a rock climbing gym and the Ripley’s Believe or Not museum. I really don’t see girlfriend’s children voting on that – they would rather go to water parks or go to the mall. He is never going to change.
I guess my life would be a lot easier if I would just except the fact that he is never going to change. He is going to be a selfish ass. He is going to put girlfriend and her kids first. He is going to continue to be emotionally abusive.
Even though he is never going to change, I really want my daughter to learn that all men are not like that.