Once a parent-child relationship is damaged, can it be repaired? Does time truly heal all wounds?
I have my doubts. My relationship with my mom is horrible. Damage was done when I was a child and there was no recovering the relationship after that. People have told me that I need to forgive and forget. A daughter needs her mom. Honestly, I try to keep a relationship with my mom – only because I want my daughter to have a relationship with her grandparents. But usually something happens and I realize that I am giving myself false hope of having a good relationship with my mom. I guess I will just have to settle for an okay relationship.
So, I wonder if the relationship between my daughter and ex is already to the point where the damage is done. I have tried for years to tell him he is seriously fucking up as a father to her. He disagrees. I have spent years taking his side telling my daughter that he loves her after he breaks a promise or chooses girlfriend and her kids over my daughter.
I have stopped teaching my daughter that is “love.” I apologize that her father acts that way. I listen to her. I provide a safe place, and a shoulder for her to cry on. I save my breath instead of telling my ex how much he is messing up their relationship.
Yesterday was the first full day back from his deployment. He kept girlfriend’s kids while she was at work. Apparently he also took them shopping. My daughter told me about this with tears in her eyes. Apparently he “found” more clothes for them than her.
They were supposed to go out of state for a “family vacation” this weekend. Apparently, ex only choose that location because one of girlfriend’s kids had a basketball camp in that city. He was taking her kids but not girlfriend. Now, the camp is cancelled and he told me that he probably isn’t going to take my daughter there now. Sad thing is, she was really looking forward to going to a rock climbing/ropes course gym and seeing the Ripely’s Believe or Not museum.
Next disappointment, apparently my ex thought he was getting our daughter from the day he returned until she has to go back to school. Umm… negative ghost rider (Plus, my daughter returns to me with attitude after spending time with all of them). He wasn’t even going to talk to me about this!! I was the one that started the conversation. I was the one trying to figure out the schedule. So, I am supposed to get my daughter later today until tomorrow evening then ex keeps her until next week – I think that arrangement is extremely nice for him so he better be nice. Anyway, apparently today he was taking all of them to rock climbing gym and out to eat. When my daughter heard she was going to miss that she started to cry, again. I told her to see if he will take her on Friday. He told her that they (him, girlfriend, and her kids) were just going to go ahead and go without her because girlfriend had a car appointment in that town anyway.
Even when he is there with our daughter, he is not actually there. For example, last night she had tumbling practice – which exciting news, she moved up to the next level class!! During the two hours of practice, he kept messaging “Beautiful,” as she is saved in his phone. Then he left for almost an hour to go grocery shopping for girlfriend’s house. Today, my daughter has a 4-H activity. I wonder how “present” he will be today…
I wish ex would still just spend some time with our daughter. She is almost a teenager. Pretty soon she is going to be completely grown up. I fear the damage is done.
Life After Divorce 
Hate to say it, but it probably already is. For various reasons I will not get into here, my father and I always had a rocky relationship. We have very similar personality traits and ultimately the problem is that I chose to live my life my own way. He considers this a rejection of him and a lack of love. I can’t change his mind on that. The emotional and mental abuse has had me in therapy for years. I wrote my parents a long letter last year, saying everything I’d been holding in because I wanted to express myself. My father insists I did it to be mean and hurt him. He victimizes himself. He was actually the one that suggested we go our separate ways. I cried and processed for a couple hours and than I was ok with it. It’s not worth the heartache. Sounds like your ex is doing everything he can to push your daughter away in favor of his new life. That’s a damn shame. If things end up being irreparable, that’s on him. Your daughter seems to be making the effort, but she might eventually give that up and, you know, that might be a healthy choice. This is what my post/poem Loss is about.
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At least you did express your feelings to your father. I have never expressed everything to my mom. I figure it is pointless. And I completely agree about my ex. I think he has chose his new life, and my daughter continues to try.
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I finally expressed it all because bottling wasn’t helping me. I kind of new what would happen, that my parents would fail to see that I was trying to express myself like I’m never able to do in conversation. Instead, I’m sans a parent. I’m 32 and I’m finally done trying. It was just making me miserable.
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I have a post about getting closure, but I know it would not help expressing myself to my mom or even to my ex. But learning from it and growing, and I can tell that I have, and just letting go. They are not going to change, so I just have to focus on myself and my daughter.
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Do what’s healthy for YOU even if it is pointless as far as the other person is concerned. It might do you good.
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