Even though I am the one that filed for divorce, the divorce was not my choice. I knew in the back of my mind that was the direction my marriage was heading. I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to continue to try. Even after I filed, I stayed with my ex.

He was cheating on current girlfriend with me; I’m pretty sure he cheated on me with her (I’d seen a social media post from her to him that makes me think this. However, my daughter has said that they both told her that they hated each other a few years ago). I was angry at ex and at girlfriend. I wanted to give her a chance, but they both refused to let me meet the woman that took my ex and was now in the life of my daughter. I lost respect and hope for girlfriend when the first time I tried to meet her, she couldn’t get her ass out of what was “our” bed (we were still seeing each other even). Then the last little bit of respect was lost for her when I ran into them at the fair, I went up and said “hi.” She walked away. Instead, she and ex sat on a bench and made out.

They have been together off and on for three years. I will admit it has not been pretty. I remember one time, my car broke down in ex’s drive way when I was dropping off my daughter. It was during the summer, and that day just so happened to be in the triple digits. Of course, ex and I tried replacing the battery. We did a couple of different things – the most common and easiest to fix issues, hoping that it was a quick and easy fix so I could leave. The car still would not start. After almost two hours, we were burning up and drenched in sweat. Girlfriend pulls into his drive. They hugged, kissed, and exchanged “I love you”. I wanted to puke. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. Honestly, I wanted to leave. I wanted her to leave. I wanted my car to be fixed. She started to get back into her car to leave, and ex called her back over to come and look at my car. No! I didn’t want her there. I wanted my car fixed so I could get away from the both of them. She comes over and sticks her head under the hood, “did you check the battery?” I’m thinking OF COURSE WE DID THAT. IT’S BEEN TWO HOURS. WHY WOULDN’T WE CHECK THE BATTERY?!? He explained to her everything we’ve tried. She’s like “I don’t know what it could be.” By this time I lost it. “It’s none of her damn business!” I screamed at ex. Of course girlfriend took that as her cue to leave. (It ended up being the starter. So, it took a while before I got to leave.) But ex and I got into it that he can show girlfriend anything he damn well pleases.

Yes, I know that story I was out of line. I was hurt. I was immature. I hated that ex had someone and was rubbing it in my face. I was still head over heels in love with that man. It was horrible! It was like reopening a wound and pouring salt into it and then punching me in the gut. Have some respect. Ex hurt me. Why continue to hurt me?

The point of the story is to show how far I have came. I have healed. My daughter made a comment about ex’s girlfriend not having a picture of her in her office. I offered to buy a frame and a picture for my daughter to give to girlfriend. My daughter said no – I think it was really because my daughter did not want to hurt my feelings.

So, last night I spoke to ex about it. I asked him if girlfriend liked my daughter. He said “yeah.” – I was hoping for “yes, she loves her.” “Yes, she enjoys having her around.” Something more reassuring than “yeah.” I explained the comment my daughter had made. Ex told me the excuse that they don’t print pictures. First off, ex buys pictures of my daughter from sports and school – so he has pictures, but he doesn’t give them to girlfriend. Secondly, ex has pictures of her kids hanging up in his house.  He said he didn’t realize how my daughter felt. Don’t know if me bringing it up will make any difference, but at least I made an effort for my daughter.

I am proud of myself. I can see how far I have came. I can see I have healed.



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