You lost yourself

I found a post online talking about in the process of loving him, and not wanting to lose him, you lost yourself. You allow yourself to be mistreated and taken for granted. You naturally said “I’m fine,” “Everything is okay,” or “It will get better.” The post concludes by saying: No guy (or girl, of course) is worth suffering for at the expense of your happiness, or is worth tormenting yourself over just to make him/her happy. He/she is the only thing that’s in your way of finding yourself.

The post was 100% correct. I could relate to it. Not only reflecting on my marriage and relationship with my ex-husband, but every boyfriend I’ve ever had, or even my experiences with online dating. I have always been mistreated. I have always looked the other way and said “I’m fine,” when inside I was screaming for help. I was losing myself more and more each time and not realizing it.

My first boyfriend pinned me against a wall. He pinned my hands above my head and helped himself to my body. I stayed with him, why? Because I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be cared about. I wanted someone to see me as special and important. The mistake was, I stayed. That was just the beginning of a long line of abuse from guys.

Physical abuse is easier for others to notice. They see the bruises. Friends are more likely to try to push you into realizing you are not better of with your abuser. Emotional/Mental abuse is not as easily recognizable. There are still scars but no one really sees them, unless they know what they are looking for.

When I got divorced, I was lost. I had only known myself with my ex. I went back to him. I allowed him to use me and take me for granted because that was what I thought I wanted. I hated myself. I was being used for sex, and I felt so cheap and dirty. I cried after he finished, every single time.

I knew being with ex after my divorce was stupid. I knew it was not what was best for me or for my daughter. But I didn’t know what else to do. I was diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder during my divorce. It took 11 months for my divorce to be finalized. It was the first time I’d ever lived by myself. It was the first time I was having to be the sole breadwinner in my adult life. It was the first time I was losing time with my daughter.

I always said “I’m fine.” I should have spoke up. I should have found help before I was completely lost.

I am slowly beginning to find myself. It has been a slow and painful process. It has not been pretty. It took a long time for me to realize that “I” wasn’t the issue, “I” wasn’t to blame for the abuse, and mistreatment.

I can’t take it back – not sure if I’d want to. My past has made me who I am today. I can, however, learn from it. I can take my life lessons and continue to find myself. I can vow to never lose myself again. I can teach my daughter from my mistakes.

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