I am naturally a loner. Growing up I became such an introvert. When my grandmother passed away, I was seven-years-old, I stopped communicating my emotions, needs, and wants to the people around me. I turned to food for my emotional support.
Through elementary and middle school, I had a small group of friends but in class or in any situation I barely spoke above a whisper. People took advantage of my quietness. They pushed me to where I was battling against my only means of support – food – and I had developed eating disorders. I needed somewhere else to turn to, so I started self-injuring.
In high school, I started to stand up for myself. I was still content with being quiet. I couldn’t share much with people – I was depressed; starving myself; injuring myself; smoking; attracted to males and females; and having suicidal thoughts. Again, people didn’t know how to take my quietness. My first fiance thought I was always mad at him because silence didn’t bother me. I had to tell him, I’m okay with just the thoughts in my head.
Throughout college I started to become more expressive towards people. Now, I am more friendly and outgoing. But I still find it difficult at times.
So, online dating is a major challenge. I finally got a match that responded. We traded a few messages. Complete opposites – he drinks, goes to bars; redneck/country type; no kids; and loves country music. Obviously, the conversation was forced and quickly died.
Yesterday, I decided to call my parents – I haven’t spoken to them in awhile. I hadn’t heard how my grandfather is doing – he has stage 4 cancer. So, I called. The conversation was short lived. They were in the middle of something. Apparently my grandfather is on oxygen now, and he had a blood transfusion. I got invited to my nephew’s party this weekend – can’t because I have to work – I told her I couldn’t and that I didn’t know anything about it. She said she was told my brother had already invited me. My mother told me that apparently my brother told her that we talk all of the time. Uhhh… no. He occasionally stalks me on social media. I didn’t receive any invitation. So, she said “well that’s not the story I was told.” I told her to believe which ever story she wants.
It does make me sad. I attempt to communicate. I attempt to socialize and I get turned down or dismissed. I guess with the online dating, they just are not the right guy for me. I figure conversations will feel natural with the right guy. Communicating with my family, guess it is what it is.
I do communicate to the most important people in my life – especially my daughter. I am able to communicate to my ex. Wish he could do the same, but it is a hit and miss situation with him.