“I Give Up”

Not going to lie, I had some horrible thoughts last night.

Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. Actually, it was a fairly typical Monday. After school, my daughter had cheer practice and then a cooking class. So, it was late by the time we got home.

I went into the kitchen to pack her lunch for school for the next day. Went to wash my hands… nothing. Shit! We have no water!!

Of course, I tried each tap in the house. Still nothing. I walked around the house – inside and outside – listening for leaks. Nothing. I looked at the water heater. Didn’t see a puddle of water or anything.

By this time, I’m panicking. What am I going to do?!? We can not NOT have water!!

Now, if I was still married I would have a guy around to help with this situation. haha.

I’m thinking, okay if it is the water heater there is no money to buy a new one. How am I going to manage that? What if I need to hire a plumber?

Of course, I am trying to think of what bills I could avoid paying for a month or two and risk late fees and final notices. I’m trying to think of what I might be able to pawn for some quick cash. I have my wedding ring set – which has been in my family for several generations – that is probably the only thing of value I own. Could I really pawn it? I’m thinking maybe I could beg ex or my parents for some money. Maybe I could go to the bank and ask for a personal loan – but, seriously,  would a bank give me a loan right now. I think to myself, if I was thinner and prettier I could easily find a sugar daddy and get some quick cash for this mess.

All of these thoughts are really starting to affect me! I went to bed – still having no water – and trying to figure out what I was going to do. A really scary thought popped into my head, if I don’t get water then I am not providing a safe environment for my daughter. CPS would take her from me. This thought really pushes my depression and anxiety over the edge. “I give up.” I cannot handle this. Every time I jump a hurdle, another one appears.

Panic and stress fuel the suicidal thoughts. Sleep was absolutely impossible last night.

About 2am, I’m still wide awake. I get on my phone. Scrolling on social media, I see a beautiful post – another person with the same water company, asking if anyone else is without water. I huge sigh of relief spills over me.

I was able to get maybe thirty minutes of much needed sleep last night. Hopefully, the water will be back on today.

It’s crazy how quickly anxiety and depression can take over. Those that do not have anxiety and don’t understand it would probably think – you really went overboard very quickly. That is how anxiety works. It takes over and a million thoughts raced at once. You feel overwhelmed. Then depressed because you feel powerless in your own life.

Just really glad it’s not an issue that is going to cost me any money – this time…

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