What If…

Anyone who has read and been following my posts knows that most days I am over my ex-husband. I finally stopped loving him about two years ago – yes, I know how long. I remember that day, because I’d slept with another person (the second guy I’d ever been intimate with) and ex and I were standing on his front porch waiting for my daughter. He was trying to start a fight with me – don’t remember what about – he was yelling and in my face. I didn’t yell. I didn’t cry. I didn’t care. That was the moment I realized I did not love him anymore. I knew he was abusive. I knew he wasn’t a great father. I knew he was with someone else. And, now I knew, he wasn’t that great in bed (I’d never had anything to compare it to before).

However, today – to get to work I have to drive past ex’s house – I drove past his house and two of his three vehicles were there. I knew he was there before he had to head out of state for the week. A horrible, depressing thought crossed my mind. He’d bought that third vehicle for girlfriend.

Yesterday, my daughter came home and told me about her time with ex and girlfriend. Apparently, he brings girlfriend’s kids lunch on Fridays and eats lunch with the youngest at school. He also bought a bigger package for their satellite, which my kid was excited because she got to watch a specific show now.

So, all of this information spinning in my head gave me this horrible “what if” question..

What if when we were married, we’d had more money would things had been different? better? Would we still be married? Would he had stayed faithful?

We moved in together when we were barely in our twenties. We got a cheap apartment. Most of our furniture was giving to us or we used milk crates as tables and stands. Once I got pregnant, I was lucky enough to get to be a stay at home mom. I did work part time as a photographer, but either I brought my daughter with me to work or ex watched her. My money was our spending money for entertainment – going out to eat, going to the movies, etc. However, most of the time, ex did not want to go out. He wanted to stay home and do nothing.

I find myself wondering if he’d actually gotten a full-time job on a military base early in our relationship if he would have been more willing to go out. Would he have been more eager to be a family?

Our first fight was over money.

We had several fights about money throughout the years. We were not rich, but we survived. I cut coupons. I was amazing making sure our account was never in the red.

I know he is abusive. I know I deserve someone who actually loves ME for ME. I still find myself wondering if money had been a factor in our relationship problems.

I come from a paycheck to paycheck family. I don’t like to have materialistic things. Ex money burns a hole in his pocket.

I try to tell myself to be patient. Good things come to those who wait. I deserve this amazing man and relationship. I just have to wait for him to enter my life. I survive. My bills are paid. My daughter is taken care of. But it is not easy living paycheck to paycheck.

I try to tell myself ex and I were only meant to be together to have our daughter. That we were not right for each other. Our personalities are too different – I am the opposite of girlfriend. Apparently that is the type of chick he likes – the other chicks that I know about were all like her: wore lots of make-up, loved to spend money.

I always try to tell myself that maybe he is finally realizing that he doesn’t want to be alone. Maybe that is why he tries so hard with girlfriend and her kids because he doesn’t want to be alone. He refuses to marry girlfriend, but he is buying all of these things – including trying to buy a house right next to her. He plays house-husband the entire time he is in town.

I know I am still bitter. I hate that I am. I want to forget the hate and the bitterness. I want to live my life without giving a shit about either of them. I want to be mature co-parents. Have get togethers where we both – hell, even girlfriend – take my daughter out to eat or out to do something.

I don’t know if that will ever happen…


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