When I first got divorced, I stayed with ex. We continued to live as a family. We continued to do family activities – more, in fact, than when we were married.
Fast forward a couple of years, after I realized ex was spending the day with me and kicking me out after sex then bringing girlfriend over to spend the night – he would then make her leave before our daughter would get up.
Yes, there was hate. I hated him. I hated her. I hated myself. I hated life.
I had to work through that hate. I had to make a decision, what was best for my child?
It has taken a long time – and I will admit, I am still working on it – but I would read success stories of other divorced couples being able to co-parent. I remember seeing the picture of the bio mom, her spouse, bio dad, his spouse, and the child at a game and wanting that for my daughter. I seen another picture – along with a story – of a couple who were both remarried with children together and from their second marriages, and they took a family Christmas card photo together every year. The wives would go shopping together. The husbands would go fishing together. They did activities together as a group. I really wanted that for my daughter.
I still want that for my daughter. However, every day that goes by I wonder if it will ever be a possibility for us.
There is no communication. I used to text ex and remind him of EVERYTHING – every sporting event, school project, 4-H activity that our daughter had. The reality was, he would still forget, be late, or accuse me of nagging him. I thought I was doing what was best for my daughter.
Now, if he asks I will tell him. I do take pictures of schedules at the beginning of the season and send to him. If he asks to verify or anything, I will repeat myself and tell him over and over. However, that is as much effort as I put in.
Why the hell should I baby him? Why should I hold his hand? Why should I put in so much effort to make him be a parent and to co-parent with me?
No one reminds me. Yet, I still get my daughter to her millions of activities. I still help my daughter with homework. I still spend time with my daughter.
So, I battle myself daily – should I tell ex about her activities or not? Should I tell him about her grades or about tumbling or not?
Why should I make the effort if he is not going to ask and make the effort to find out?
Am I being selfish? Am I doing what is best for my daughter by not telling him?
Last night was a perfect example. Ex has a copy of the cheer schedule. She did not have a game last night; instead, she had a 4-H meeting. Well, I did not tell ex about 4-H. He usually does not get back into town until 8pm – 4-H is over by 7pm. He did not message me that he was leaving the base early. He did not message me that he was driving to the school to watch our daughter’s football game.
My phone rings in the middle of 4-H. It is ex. He asks if she has a game. I tell him no, but we are at 4-H.
There was a moment that I did go over and chat with ex. A little bit about our daughter – school and activities. But even then, I felt like I was supplying information that was not asked for. I don’t know if he really wanted to know.
I still want that co-parenting success story, like you see in the picture, for my daughter. I don’t know if it will ever happen. Especially with him moving in with girlfriend. What if they get married?