Forgive

Seen a post yesterday, asking how long after the divorce did you finally forgive the other person.

The post was fairly new when I seen it, only a few responses. Most said they were not going to forgive or they have not forgiven, yet. I seen one say, it took her sixteen years before she was able to forgive her ex.

I haven’t forgiven ex yet. But I definitely don’t want it to take me sixteen years to be able to forgive.

But what is there to forgive him for?

He cheated. He was emotionally and mentally abusive. He didn’t step into the father role like I wanted him to. He never supported me. He lied. He chose his family over me. He kept me isolated. He made me feel like I was crazy, and not worth anything. He chose work over me and our daughter. He wasn’t the husband or father that I expected him to be.

Those were things just while we were married.

I realized I am holding onto other things, too.

He plays house husband and father for girlfriend and her kids. He cooks and cleans while girlfriend does nothing. He gets to be the fun parent. He has money to spend – all of the time – while I struggle. (Ironically, he tried for many years during our marriage to get a job on the base, he had to change based four times and go out of state before he got a job on base.) While we were married, he would volunteer for overtime and for deployments. Now, he drives four hours one way to see girlfriend any day he can.

I’m holding onto all of these negative thoughts and feelings. I have this bitterness because life seems to working out for ex and I’m getting screwed over, and over, and over.

I don’t love HIM. I love the idea of loving him. I love the idea of having a loving relationship and a great co-parent. I love the idea of having another person in the house making an income. I love the idea of having sex and not being alone.

Yet, I wonder if I really am over him. I still dream about him once in awhile. Those dreams are sweet at first and then turn horrible. In the dreams, he hits me, rapes me, tells me he doesn’t love me, chooses girlfriend over me. I’ve even dreamed he kills me.

I’m a big believer in karma and things happen for a reason. I found myself wondering if I am getting what I deserve because of all of these negative feelings towards ex. Is karma targeting me because I secretly hope it knocks ex on his ass?

Do I want to forgive? Do I want to let go all of these feelings?

If I do, then why haven’t I yet?

What is holding onto these negative thoughts achieving?

He is not coming back to me. He is not the man I wanted him to be. He is not going to buy me a new car, house, or really help with anything. I don’t want to have sex with him – the thought kind of making me vomit.

So, I’m really only hurting myself – whether karma is targeting me or not.

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