Daydreaming

I have always been a daydreamer. Growing up I would daydream to escape. I would imagine moving to a different school where I wasn’t picked on and bullied. I would imagine having a group of friends that I could depend on and do things with.

When I started dating my ex-husband, I would try to imagine what life would be like – what I actually wanted our marriage to be like together. I would daydream to keep myself company on the nights that he was working or during the times he was deployed. I would also find myself daydreaming during times he was there – I would get lost inside my own head even during sex. I would trick myself to believe it was great. I would daydream about this wonderful sexual experience with my ex.

Even now, I find myself imagining a life I wish I had – especially when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter. I love my life. But, I still find myself wanting, wishing, and dreaming for more – a new relationship, a better car, when I no longer struggle with money, a day ex and I can co-parent like I want us to for our daughter.

Then I feel like I am failing, because 1. I’m not “content” with what I have since I am daydreaming; 2. I’m not achieving what I “wish” to have. This makes my energy and motivation fly right out the window. All I want to do is sleep. Crawl under the covers and disappear until everything is how I “wish” it would be.

This weekend, I stayed in the moment. I enjoyed my weekend. Ex is deployed for a week or two. I have my daughter the whole time. We watched movies, talked, drew pictures. We laughed. I don’t want to daydream my life away. She is growing up so fast.

At work, I stay in the moment. I want to do the best I can. I enjoy my job.

But, later today I will find myself still daydreaming.