Pick Your Battles

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A tough lesson is picking your battles. I know personally, after my divorce I was so angry. Even looking at my ex mad me angry. These cute things he used to do drove me crazy (and not the good crazy like I’m crazy about you. The bad crazy like I hate you with ever ounce of my being). You know, things like telling the same stories over and over, his laugh, his voice, actually him breathing even annoyed me.

I know I complain about my ex, especially on here. I need to let out steam – some things just get to me that I worry if I do not talk about them, and vent, then I am going to fall back to where I was three years ago – so bitter, angry, depressed, suicidal. I use this format to vent about my ex most times, because here no one knows me or him. If people don’t like what I write or get tired of hearing about ex then they can chose not to read or follow. Whereas, when I tired venting to friends, if they get tired of hearing about ex I would lose friends. I can’t vent to my family really, because my mom runs to ex or she takes his side. I can’t vent to my daughter, obviously.

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I do pick my battles. I stop and think about is it really worth getting into it with my ex over this. I bite my tongue and force myself to pause to make sure I’m not making more unnecessary drama for myself.

Now, some things are worth the battle. There are some things I still face. But somethings, I have given up on – most things to make ex see that he is screwing up being a father to our daughter, for example. I used to battle him on this. I would point out things. I would try to make him see, because I want my daughter to love and respect her father. But I have given up. Ex says he’s a good father – to girlfriend’s kids – because compared to their father’s yeah, he is a “good father” to them. He doesn’t do drugs. So, yeah, big improvement. I have a tad bit more expectations for what I think a “good father” should include.

I also have found that by picking my battles I am less stressed and angry about ex.

So, today’s post isn’t really about my ex. Instead, in a group for divorced moms I see and hear so much about every battle they go through. Some, yes are worth the fight. Others, no, these women are being so petty and childish.

The other day I seen a comment where a woman had went to the child’s school to eat lunch with the child. Her ex had packed the child’s lunch for the day. She took pictures of the sandwich. Her first complaint was there was no ice pack and ex had packed a ham sandwich. The next complaint was there was a small patch of mold on the bottom slice of the sandwich.  She wanted advice on what to do? What to say? She was so angry. I read through the comments. Hundreds and hundreds of comments. All of them saying they would take ex to court. He was trying to hurt the child by feeding that moldy bread. They could call police and child services because what kind of food is available in the house if that is what the child is being served that for lunch. They would take that sandwich and force feed it to ex. They would be blowing up ex’s phone. These comments went on and on.

I typed a comment:

The ice pack is no big deal. Most lunch boxes are insulated, so the sandwich will be fine. The mold is not a big deal. Maybe it was dark, or bad lighting, when he made the sandwich and did not notice the mold. Maybe they were in a rush and he did not really look at the bread. I’m sure there were other items in the lunch box that the child could have eaten without eating the sandwich and not starve the rest of the day. Or, since you were there to eat lunch with the child, why not just buy a tray from the cafeteria for the child to eat. I really doubt her ex did it on purpose.

I submitted my comment. Then, I paused. It’s like, I am the only one thinking this way. These women are like an angry mob with pitchforks and torches. Do I really want to have to defend myself and my opinion. Nope. I deleted my comment and moved on with my life. Again, picking my battles. I have defended my opinion before with that group, but this situation wasn’t worth it. Seriously.

I used to enjoy being a part of that support group, because it was a support group. I found them after my divorce had been finalized and I’d been divorced for several years. I wished I’d found them before my divorce. I think I would have been more prepared for divorce and the paperwork – that is where I have learned a lot about the legal jargon and what I wished I’d put in my decree.

But really, they are no longer the support I want. I am divorced. I am going through this post divorced life one day at a time. I know I will have questions in the future. I know I will want and need advice from someone that has lived through it – and I don’t have any divorced friends. I really don’t need advice with dating – don’t need advice when you don’t go on any dates ha-ha. But seriously, I know what red flags to look for. So, really I don’t need that support now. Maybe staying with that particular group is really holding me back from continuing to heal. I mean I hear all of these petty and angry posts. That isn’t going to help me. I can’t really offer advice, because my opinion isn’t “popular” or “what they are looking for.”

 

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