What Is Best for the Child

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I did fear getting a divorce for so long because of my daughter. Growing up, I didn’t really know any children from divorced families. The one I did know, she already had a step-father and was adopted by the step-father. So, I never wanted my daughter to grow up in a broken home.

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I know – deep down – that divorcing my ex was the right decision. He brings out the worse in me, which affects my parenting for my daughter. For those two years after the divorce that I stayed with ex, I was still showing a horrible example for my daughter.

Teaching her what love looks like and how people that love you should treat you well is important. Even after I was finished with ex, I would still defend him. I would make excuses for him, because in my mind I was doing what was best for my daughter.

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I realized by making excuses for ex was really not the best thing for my child. I was teaching her that if someone loves you then they treat you horribly and like your feelings do not matter. Now, the best I can do is apologize to my daughter for ex’s behavior. I can’t fix it. I can not make excuses. I cannot change it. I do not regret he is her father – the two of us made her.

Honestly, I do not know if my ex would qualify to be a “narcissistic” individual. I hear and see that term used so much that I really do not want to misuse it. I do believe he definitely has narcissistic behaviors. I do know instead of communicating with me, he lies to me or he uses my daughter as a messenger.

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There are many examples of how ex will not co-parent with me. He teaches my daughter to lie to me. He undermines me. He tries to turn her against me.

He was supposed to be gone for another week on orders. Well, that fell through. So, guess who came back on Friday? *joy…*

I did ask ex about switching days – I get my daughter for Saturday and he get her for Sunday – because we’d already had plans for this weekend. Technically, I think I had the legal right not to let him have her at all this weekend, but I am not going to behave like that.

Well, ex sends my daughter a text saying that since he is getting her Sunday he is just going to ask me if he can keep her Sunday night and take her to school on Monday morning. My daughter and I have a great relationship. She tells me what ex says. She does try to keep me inform so I’m not completely blindsided, BUT she is a child. It is not her job or her responsibility to do that.

So, yesterday when ex came to pick up my daughter I was waiting for him to ask about taking her to school on Monday. He said nothing about it. He turned to leave and said “I’ll see you later.”

Really, he is going to leave without saying anything? He needs to communicate.

So, I ask “when are you bringing her back?”

He says, “Uhh, I was kind of hoping I could take her to school on Monday.”

Me: It’s up to her what she wants to do.

My daughter hates making decisions. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. She doesn’t want to cause dramas or fights. Her and I had already discussed her staying with ex Sunday night – so I knew her thoughts and feelings on the subject. I see my daughter’s anxiety starting up. I tell her to go get all of her stuff for school.

She goes back into the house to get all of her stuff.

Me: When were you going to ask about taking her to school?

Ex: Uhh… right now.

I want to scream at him. I know he think he is being cute and funny, but I no longer find him cute or funny. I find him challenging.

Me: Well you need to start communicating with me.

Ex: I sent her a text asking her about talking to you about me taking her to school on Monday.

Me: You need to ask me. Don’t expect her to do it.

Ex: I know.

Sure he knows, but he doesn’t care. We will have the same issue in the future. Nothing is going to change.

 

 

3 thoughts on “What Is Best for the Child

  1. I get this completely! I stayed with my children’s father far longer than I should of done or wanted to in fear of ruining their childhood! I soon woke up and realised I was doing that by staying with him! It took years of fights and battles before I got him to cooperate and realise I wasn’t battling him to make life easier for me, it was purely to get the best for the kids. It’s a shame when that bitterness gets in the way of what’s best for the kids. We are in the position now where we don’t have to see each other or talk to each other. It’s never been better!

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    1. I think sometimes ex’s thinks that I do or say things to be the “crazy ex wife” or to make it “easier on me.” And as much as it hurts sometimes, because – not going to lie – sometimes it really does feel like my daughter chooses ex over me – so I feel like I am failing over and over. But I know that a child is able to love both parents – and step parents. I know that I am being selfish having feelings and doubts of why does she want to spend extra time with him, why not with me.

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      1. It’s completely natural to feel that way. It’s ok to feel that way but just try not to let it overpower you so it prevents you from doing what’s best for her. It will pay off, I can assure you. I can remember feeling that way and now my children realise that I’ve always put my feelings aside to do what’s best for them. They can always remember their father slating me because it didn’t always work in his favour. I had a few battles trying to get him to stop insulting me to them. They were learning to hate him and still he had no idea that I wasn’t just battling him for their sake but also for his! Selfishly I would love nothing better than for them to not want to see him but I know that’s not healthy for them! It’s really hard to do the right thing sometimes!

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