I stayed in my marriage for so long, not because I was happy – actually, I was happy when ex was deployed or at work. We fought like cats and dogs during our marriage. – I stayed because of my daughter. I was afraid ex would take her from me. I did not want to raise her in a broken home. And, the scariest thought, I did not want ex to find another woman to replace me as my daughter’s mom.
I know my daughter is more responsible and independent because she has been raised in a divorced situation since she was seven years old. She has had to grow up, way too fast, because she would live between multiple houses. I know that is really hard on her, but I also know there is nothing I can do about that.
I stayed with ex for two years after my divorce. When I found out about girlfriend and them being intimate, I bowed out. I did not want to be a booty call, or have sloppy seconds. I did not want to continue to allow ex to use me for sex. It killed me. I fell into a deep depression. I know it impacted my ability to parent at times. I remember, my daughter not wanting to come with me one occasion. Guys, that is a feeling I never want to feel again. The thought of my child not loving me or not wanting to be with me.
Now, I know I am a great mom. I know my daughter loves me and knows she can depend on me.
I read an article last night about someone growing up and remembering their parents were always in the stands at everyone of their games and activities. And that is how I am with my daughter. I work crazy hours. I have a ton of gray hair from the stress. I have dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep. I worry about bills and money. I still fight with ex. BUT, I am there for my daughter. I am in the stands. I am cheering her on. I am supporting her. I am taking pictures.
Last night, ex came early to get her. He didn’t even bother telling me what time he was coming over. I only knew when to expect him because he texted our daughter. He really needs to grow a pair and communicate with his ex-wife. That’s why I occasionally lash out at him, because I let all of his stupidity and his annoying behaviors slowly build up until I can’t take anymore. Anyway, since he came early, my daughter and I did not have enough time to work on her homework. So, I told her to text me if she had any questions. I stayed up until almost 10pm waiting for a text from her. (I know that doesn’t sound late, but when you have to be at work at 3am, it is late.) I gave up and went to bed. I woke up with several texts from her asking for help with her math. Okay, I’m usually really good and quick with math. These problems were graphing linear equations from word problems. NOOOO! I hate word problems! So, I watch a couple of videos to refresh my memory on what the hell needs to be done to solve and I try to quickly sketch out the information to snap a picture and send to her.
It is not the parenting I dreamed of growing up. When ex and I got together, we talked about have 2-3 kids. I didn’t dream of having 1 child and having to help her with homework through texts, at her dad’s girlfriend’s house.