Funeral

My dad’s funeral is going to be Tuesday.

Typing those words is so insane. I still can not believe my dad is gone. I can not believe I will never seen his smile or get to chat with him ever again.

Friday, when I went with my brother to get the things out of the car, I asked my brother if he thought it would be a closed casket. I seen the damage to the car. I could only imagine what condition my dad’s body was in. My brother figured it would be an open casket.

I found out yesterday, dad’s funeral has to be a close casket. I fell apart again. I try to stop crying, but I can’t. I did remember to eat yesterday. I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours. I’m still working and still taking my daughter to all of her activities. I want to keep functioning.

I have welcomed hugs from anyone willing to let me cry on their shoulder.

Since the funeral is closed casket, we are going to have a slideshow. I am so heartbroken. I do not have a single photo of my dad from 2018. Not one!

We always do a family photo on Mother’s Day. Well, this year I went to the ER on Mother’s Day. So, we did not do a photo. I was so tired and didn’t feel well. Then, we usually do a picture on Thanksgiving. I didn’t even get to tell my dad goodbye or give him a hug. He was so focused on mom. I have the regret of not telling him goodbye. I took for granted that I would see him on Christmas. Earlier last month, I deleted all the texts in my phone. I do that every few months to clear up space. I didn’t know I was deleting the last messages I will ever receive from my dad. I regret that so much.

I think about everything my dad is going to miss – My daughter turning 13 in a few weeks, for example. I break down again.

I invited ex to the funeral. I don’t know if that was the right choice or not, but I may fall apart. I may need help with our daughter. If he will be there and be supportive then I want him there. My dad did not like ex, but my dad would want my daughter and me to be happy and okay. I also know, if it was one of ex’s parents I would be at the funeral for him and my daughter.

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