I’m having moments were I’m doing okay. I looked at some pictures of my dad – had to pick some out for the slideshow – and I was able to laugh and smile. I shared them on my social media. My mom called me yesterday afternoon (about 2:30) and asked if I wanted to drive down. I went ahead and drove down. It was hard. A couple of people were there helping with funeral details.
The funeral has to be a closed casket because there was just too much damage done. However, during family visitation today the casket will be open. I can’t. I can’t see him like that. I don’t want the last memories I have of my dad to see how badly he looked. So, I have decided not to go to visitation. I hope I’m making the right decision. I already have so many regrets during this situation, I don’t want not going to visitation to be another regret.
Found out the guy that hit him head on had received a speeding ticket the day before the accident. He was clocked doing 102mph. He apparently threw the ticket in the ditch.
My daughter cried most of the way home last night. She shares many of the same regrets that I do (not telling him goodbye at Thanksgiving. deleting all of his texts, without knowing we would never receive another text from him. not making deviled eggs for Thanksgiving.) I explained is okay to cry. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to talk about my dad, to tell stories, to remember him.
One regret I’m really starting to have is inviting my ex to the funeral. I went back and forth of what I should do. It would be nice to have him there to help with our daughter. My dad did not like him. I don’t want any drama from ex, that’s for sure!
I found out some more funeral details. I kind of want to take pictures. Is that tacky? I want pictures – there is going to be a bagpipe player (one request I remember my dad made over and over, ever since I was a young child), and he was a firefighter so the firefighters are going to do a last call (I think is what it is called. right now I struggle thinking of the correct words). But the funeral is going to be gorgeous. There are going to be so many people. My dad was so well liked and loved by everyone. He had this smile that made you smile.
(I plan on writing a post about my dad. I just need more time to find the words and my thoughts.)
I still have a voicemail on my phone – it is from my mom on Friday. I know it was when she was at the hospital. I have not listened to it. I can not bring myself to listen to it. The middle child was there when she left the voicemail. He told me not to listen to it, ever.
Oh, about inviting ex to the funeral. There is not going to be a family car available to drive us to the cemetery. I know I am going to need to ride with someone. I know I will be able to drive back home, but I will need a ride so I do not have to think about driving at that moment. I asked ex if he was coming to the funeral. He said “yeah, probably.” I asked if my daughter and I could ride with him to the cemetery. He refused. I was so mad. I wanted to cuss him out. I wanted to tell him that I don’t want him back. I just want a ride from the funeral home to the cemetery. Maybe I should un-invite him.