Lost, Numb, and Angry

Tomorrow will be one week since I lost my dad. I am still completely numb. Everything reminds me of him. I still cry all the time. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to give him a hug. I look at his pictures and break down.

I contacted my tattoo artist to find out about a price to get my memorial tattoo finished. I know I’m going to get something else for my dad – not sure what, maybe his signature. I even offered to my mom to come with me to get a tattoo. She is considering it.

There are criminal charges around my dad’s death. Mom called me today and gave me more information. I want to scream, cry, and vent. I am ready for justice for my dad. It is so hard not to be angry, but that guy took an amazing man from us. I want him to pay for his actions and choices.

I’m so scared about this weekend. My daughter is at ex’s. I will be alone all weekend. I have a couple of people I can call/text. People tell me to go back to my parents’ house to be with my mom and siblings. I don’t see that being the answer. I still have to work. I still have to be in town for my daughter’s activities.

One thing I have found interesting is, even though I am sad as hell, I’m not suicidal. I’m not thinking self-injuring thoughts. I don’t know how to explain it. I dread the future, but I want to be here for my daughter. I want to live the life my dad would want me to.

I messaged someone last night for about twenty minutes – she has lost both of her parents. It was nice to have someone that understood. Of course situations are different – her mom had cancer and her dad had a heart attack, but she still lost them both. I told her how people have been reacting with me. No food or gifts – my mom and siblings have a surplus of food and supplies. But since I live out of town, I am forgotten. But this person told me she hated when people told her they were “sorry.” I understand. But really, what else can they say?


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