One Thing After Another

I hate always being so negative, but life is really fucking me over. I try to enjoy time with my daughter. I try to enjoy my jobs. I try to enjoy life. But, it’s like anytime any bit of happiness comes, life is there to push me back down.

So, yesterday I messaged ex asking him if he was getting our daughter at 6pm or 7pm. I know my ex, if I ask what time and did not give him choices then he would not give me an answer and then I would have to be on call and just waiting for him. He said 6pm. Okay, fine.

My daughter and I went into town. I was visiting a friend for a little bit. My phone was on 1%. Ex messages me wanting our daughter at 5pm instead of 6pm so he could run on the trail and she could ride her bike. Fine. I’m not the type to keep her from him, as long as he keeps her safe. Then my mom calls. I had planned to ask her if I could just call her back, but she was crying. So, I get the charger from my car and hooked my phone up to a computer so I could stay on the phone with mom. She wants to give me dad’s chair. She can’t handle having it around anymore – Yes, I would LOVE to have his chair!! Then she wants to give me their sofa. Okay, don’t know where the hell I’m going to put it, but okay. She asks if ex could come down with his truck. When ex comes to pick up our daughter, I ask him. He throws a fit and asks how soon that has to be done. Then asks why can’t one of my siblings keep the furniture. Forget it!! I will find someone else to help haul the furniture! I hate my ex-husband.

So, ex and my daughter leave.

I wave to my friend because I’m still on the phone with mom. I drive home. I get home and I’m sitting in the car so my phone can charge enough to keep the phone call going. Then I get another call. I look at the screen and see it’s my ex’s number. Okay, that it really weird for him to be calling me! I tell mom I will have to call her back in a minute.

I call ex and it goes to voicemail. I am really worried now.

I call again, and this time the call is answered. I was expecting to hear ex’s voice. No. It’s my daughter, crying.

She is by herself next to ex’s truck. The truck is locked. It is dark. And she doesn’t know where he is.


I ask her how long has she been there? Why does she have his phone? Where’s his keys?

I ask her if she wants me to drive into town to be with her. It would take about 15 minutes for me to get to where she was. She said she didn’t know. So, I told her I would stay on the phone with her until ex shows up.

Talk about one pissed off momma.

That will be discussed with ex, next time I see him…

So, I call mom back. She tells me about different things that is making it difficult. I get it. Yes, I am divorced, but I completely understand! She said she yells at dad’s chair because he left us. He was selfish for dying.

I don’t believe that. Dad would not have left us. He was not given the choice. And I know even if he’d survived the wreck, he would not be himself. There would be so much damage to his body and his mind that he would not be himself. He would not be happy. Yes, I hate that he was killed, but I have NEVER blamed HIM for dying.

Then, the kicker, she said that it was different for me because I’m divorced and she was in a happy marriage. She misses that connection, that relationship with someone. I held back tears and anger. I miss that too! I have been divorced for over five years! I want a relationship. I want that happy marriage. Why don’t I deserve it?!? Then she talked about how her and dad had discussed this. Dad always told her that he wanted to go first, so mom could move on and find someone else. I broke down and started crying. I couldn’t fight back the hurt and tears anymore.

I’m just so hurt. Mom is quickly erasing dad. She is moving on. Ex is in a relationship and has all this money to burn. Found out middle child is now on full disability and will be getting a check to make up all of the back pay from the past six years! And here I am, struggling, single, alone, depressed. I work my ass off and have nothing to show for it. I am on those stupid dating sites almost daily and no one worth my time. I was faithful to my ex. I am trying to be supportive and be a good daughter – because I know that is what dad would want from me – for my mom. And, I am getting nowhere. I am falling back into depression, debt, loneliness.

I want 2019 to be my year. I want to find true love. I want to stop struggling with money. I want to stop having issues with my house and my car. Am I being selfish? Am I asking for too much? Is karma still punishing me for something?

I will end on a positive note. Thirteen years ago something amazing happened… I became a mom. I am now the parent of a teenager. She is amazing! She is smart, funny, kindhearted, gorgeous – inside and out.




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