There for awhile, I battled with myself: do I love my ex? do I hate him?
There are days that I seriously hate him. I hate him for cheating. I hate him for being a workaholic while we were married, but not with girlfriend. I hate him for not being the father I wanted for our daughter, but he stepped into that father role for girlfriend’s kids. I hated him because when we were together he never wanted to do anything, but now he always has something planned for girlfriend and kids. I hated him because he never supported me – I don’t mean money. I mean with my job, with life, with my mental struggles.
I could keep going.
But, of course there were things that I loved about him, too. I mean of course I loved him or I wouldn’t have married him. I wouldn’t have had a child with him. I wouldn’t have spent 15 years of my life with him.
Last night left me feeling confused about us. Were we flirting? Were we just being friends? Were we co-parenting?
Last night was an awards banquet. Ex came. It wasn’t horrible. We talked. We laughed. We joked with each other. We never got mad or had any issues. The banquet was almost four hours long. Ex was on his phone for a little bit – I’m sure messaging girlfriend – but overall, he was present. He put his phone down and was in the moment – something that he would not do when we were together.