I am noticing some improvements. I guess the medication is working. I called my mom over the weekend. It’s strange, when dad was alive I rarely talked to mom. Now, I feel like I need to check on her. Anyway, I called her over the weekend. She talked to me about her doctor’s appointment. Since dad’s death, she is diagnosed with depression. She is also diagnosed with Anxiety and Panic Syndrome. She was telling me about her symptoms and that she was going to take it upon her self to change her dosage instead of talking to the doctor. I left like it was time I told her some about me. I told her I am diagnosed with Anxiety and Stress Disorder and I am also diagnosed with depression. I told her my experience with the medication. I told her the importance to discuss it with her doctor.
It felt like a relief telling someone about my mental health. I have been feeling like I have to be strong even though I want to break. I want to crawl back into bed and say “screw the day.” It felt good to say hey, we all have rough days and dealing with dad’s death was almost too much for me to handle.
That is another improvement I see. I want to talk about dad. I want to talk about what happen. Mom doesn’t. She refused to talk about the accident. She gets choked up anytime she talks about dad. I want embrace this new normal. I miss my dad so much. And I still hate that I never got to say goodbye, but I want to embrace this life. I want to visit his grave site. I want to do things to honor his memory. Some days I cry. Some days I think it was all a dream. I find myself wanting to call him to brag about an award I received at work and having to stop as I’m dialing the phone.
I can’t bring myself to delete him from my contacts yet. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to change my profile picture online – it is a picture of dad and me (the last picture of us together). That is one area I am still struggling. I don’t want to erase him from my life. I feel like it is so permanent if I do. No one else wants to talk about him.