Nine Months

Today, nine months ago, the unthinkable happened…

I still cry thinking about it. I am slowly getting better. I love talking about my dad. I miss him very much. I still find myself questioning “why him?”

I am still angry at myself for being so petty and letting family drama prevent me from telling my dad “I love you” and giving him a hug the last day I seen him alive. I took life for granted and assumed I would have another chance to see him on Christmas. November 30, 2018 was definitely a soul shattering day.

I think my biggest struggle is I don’t have anyone to just listen to me. Death makes people so nervous that they avoid the topic. I can’t talk about it with my daughter – that would not be fair to her. She is coping very well with everything. I can’t talk to my mom about it because she cries and then I have to get her calmed down.

I don’t want advice. I don’t want people to say “I’m sorry.” I just want someone to listen to me. I want someone to be there while I spill out all the emotions and tears that I keep hiding from the world.

The guy’s, who killed dad, criminal case is coming up. Originally, I thought I wanted to be there. As the date approaches, I don’t think I can do it. I can not sit in a court room and listen to the explicit details of my dad’s death and keep myself composed.

A quick update about my brother: He is still in ICU. They are ruling it as an accidental overdose. They are still running tests. They think he might have had a stroke.

 

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