Backing Out of Plans

The other day my mom called and invited my daughter and me to meet up for lunch. I declined. She already had my brothers with her and they were on the road, which means the three of them would have been waiting for us for at least an hour or so – since we live farther away.

My daughter asked why didn’t we go.

Well, because I have anxiety and depression. I had a million “what ifs” run through my mind as soon as mom invited us. I also had NO motivation to go. I didn’t want to be in public.

I told my daughter if she’d gave us more of a heads up we would have went, but spur of the moment stuff like that doesn’t work for me. I can’t do it. I’m sorry.

I’m still taking my antidepressants. However, I’m finding myself having more challenging days here lately. Not sure if it’s because of everything coming up – court date; my first birthday without my dad; the one year mark of my dad’s death. Or maybe I’m needing a higher dose of medication. I’m on the highest dose of this type already.

I just want to sleep, but I struggle to sleep. I feel drained of all energy. It takes very long pep talks to myself to get motivated to do things. Things like work or taking care of my kid are easier to find motivation for – really I don’t find myself struggling with the important stuff. I get ready and take her wherever she needs to go. I help her with homework. I make my paycheck. I’m talking about housework or being social (meeting my family for lunch the other day, for example).

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