Social Distancing

I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about the virus. I know I am, but having joint custody of my daughter during this time is so stressful. I have no control on what ex does when she is with him. I hate it. Last weekend he went to see his parents. His mom lives with his sister during the week. Of course, where sister live has been hit pretty hard. I get they might not have the virus, but can we just pretend everyone has it and stay away from each other for a couple of weeks…

I have learned my daughter is addicted to her phone. I mean ADDICTED to her phone. The other day she was hateful and sassy with everything I said or did. I gave up and took her phone as punishment – I normally don’t do that (actually it is rare if I have to punish her). She cried and screamed. She had the shakes. She begged for it. She told me I was a horrible mom. So, I guess I need to start forcing her to sit the phone down to try to break the addiction. I get it. She’s a teenager. She hasn’t been in school for a few weeks. The phone is her only chance to socialize. Still no reason to be a pain in the ass like that towards me.

Overall, I guess we are handling it okay. I am used to social distancing. I’ve been a loner my whole life. I like social distancing. It is strange not to be running my daughter to different activities though.

 

Life in 2020

Well, 2019 ended roughly. I did not get to see my daughter at all on her birthday. It hurt, but I survived. She was tired of going back and forth from the holidays. So, I did what was best for her – not to have to travel back and front back-to-back days.

2020 has been interesting. First, I’m now working a combination of four – yes, four – part-time jobs. I have an interview for another one coming up. I have lost 10lbs. Oh, and my mom has a boyfriend. Don’t know if I am “okay” with it, but it is not my choice.  I don’t know anything about him. I’m still single.

Possible New Job

Ex texted our daughter last night saying he was offered a new job. Honestly, I don’t see him taking it. But if he does then I guess I am going to have to get a lawyer.

The job offer is across the country. Okay, ex already works in another state – which I’m pretty sure not allowed in our divorce papers. BUT he found a loop hole – he moved in with girlfriend. So, even though he works out of state, he receives mail at a local address. So I’m sure the courts would say he still is applying to the divorce decree. In our divorce papers it says we can not move within “x” miles. Now moving across country I am going to have to fight this – not that I want him around. Life is so much easier when he is not here. My daughter doesn’t have a hateful attitude. I don’t have to worry about his drama. But, come on… I know he would want to fly her across the country at times. With all of her activities that would be a challenge. So, I would have to get a lawyer to fight for custody arrangements. Next, the job offer pays more than I have made in my entire life. So, yeah, lawyer would be need to fight for child support. If his income is that much more than mine – I barely survive (that’s not an exaggeration. My income is considered so low that the government sees it as nontaxable.)

Now, in reality I don’t see him taking the job. But it is adding unnecessary stress and worry.  I did ask my daughter how she felt about what ex texted, she said she didn’t know – typical teenager answer.

Christmas and Co-parenting

You would think I would be used to sharing holidays with my ex by now. I’ve been divorced for six years, but it is still difficult. I see all of these pictures of families posting Christmas eve pictures and complaining the kids will not go to bed. I want to say “at least you have your kiddo with you for Christmas Eve.” I don’t say anything. I know the important thing is my daughter is happy and taken care of. I have to keep my feelings to myself. I just know that in just a few short years she will be all grown and I will probably still be single. So, I will still be spending the holidays alone.

One Year

I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was difficult for me. I am still angry at myself for letting stupid family drama prevent me from saying ‘goodbye’ to my dad. I know dad forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.

November 30 was one year. Can not believe it has been a year. It still feels like yesterday calling my mom and her saying “dad didn’t make it.” I worked about 16 hours that day. So, I really kept myself distracted. I did cry, but I kept myself together while around others.

There was a pretrial. A deal was made. He agreed to plead guilty to all accounts for 10 years – three years being suspended. So, there will be no jury trial. He will go in front of the judge and see what the judge decides.

I got the new job. I haven’t got to start yet. Let’s hope I get to start soon. I really hope it was the right choice. I have been with the one company for three years, but the new company offers better pay and more benefits for doing pretty much the same thing. It’s just being the new kid takes a while to get assigned for things.

Hmm… nothing new with ex. He is choosing girlfriend’s kids over our daughter. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do.

Dating. Ha. I can’t find anyone worth the time of getting to know. Really hoping one day the right guy walks into my life. But at this rate, the poor bastard must be lost and refusing to ask for directions.

My daughter is doing amazing in school. Last year, she struggled with band. She cried and wanted to quit on a daily basis. I told her EVERYONE hates beginning band – its boring because you are learning notes, chords, and faking it until you make it. It is hell listening to the squeaks and awful noises. It is torture on your body because you are using muscles you’ve never used before. I told her to give it another year. I told her at the beginning of this year after this year if she still wants to quit band then she could. She is halfway through the school year. She LOVES band. She makes 100% on assignments.

Feel Like I Am Drowning

It has been extremely difficult here lately. I can’t afford to refill my antidepressants right now. So, I have quit them cold turkey. I feel like shit, honestly. I am fighting several negative thoughts. I have zero energy. My anxiety is sky high. It’s pretty much lead to me being physically ill.

Work has been slow. My paycheck has suffered, which does not help with my mental state right now.

I had to get a new car a couple of months ago. I am drowning in bills. I paid sales tax on the car. I got hit with $600 more than I was expecting.

The guy that killed dad was offered a deal of 15 years. He did not accept the deal. We are waiting for jury trial now. It was supposed to be earlier this month. Well, shit happens. It got postponed AGAIN! Then his POS lawyer told mom’s lawyer that they were making a counter-offer of 10K and 15 years of jail time. Ten of those years are to be postponed. He would only serve five years and be up for parole in three years. Luckily, my mom told them to take their offer and shove it up their ass. So, NOW the jury trial is not scheduled until December. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? November will be a year!! What the hell is wrong with our justice system?!? Let’s hope he will stay in jail until the court date. I’m hoping no bail bondsmen will touch him. We were able to get all previous bails rejected. So, the bondsmen (there have been two thus far) lost their money. Hoping that will make all others refuse him.

Dating… Ha! One of my dating accounts got hacked. I created a new account. I can’t even find anyone that I want to hold a conversation with!!

I just want to scream, cry, and vent. But there’s no one to vent to.

Death and Divorce

I have realized something, death and divorce are so similar. They both make people so nervous and unsure of how to react and respond to someone going through the situation. The person living in the situation is so lost and confused.

Now, I know there are some people that want divorce.

I filed for my divorce – honestly only because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have ever been filed. I’m not joking. I ran back to ex. I tried to convince him to give “us” another chance. I slipped into a major depression so deep that I truly believed suicide was my only way out.

I hear a lot of people saying “congratulations” to someone who recently got divorced. This reminds me of the whole situation of saying “I’m sorry” to someone at a funeral. We really don’t know what else to say.

Even if the person wanted the divorce, maybe they do not see anything to be celebrating. At the time, I seen the “death” of my marriage, my family. I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother. I failed as a person. I did not want to celebrate anything.

Just like after my dad was killed, I was so tired of hearing people say “I’m sorry.”

However, how I have handled myself in both situations has really made a big difference. After my divorce, I was depressed and suicidal. I kept it a secret that I was still sleeping with my ex-husband. I felt cheap and worthless. I did not seek any help. I seriously did not believe I deserved any help. With my dad’s death, I allowed myself to cry in front of others. I allowed myself to hug and be comforted by a stranger. I found others living in a similar situation as myself. I used my blog to write out my feelings. I went to the doctor to get medication for my depression.

 

Late Dropping Her Off… oops

I took my daughter to get her hair done – a gift from my parents for her being a straight A student. It is an ombre look. It goes from light brown to sun-kissed blonde. It actually looks very natural on her. It looks like she has spent the whole summer in the sun. She absolutely LOVES it! Anyway, I had not told ex that I was having her hair done. He had promised to get her hair done a couple of months ago. Then he keeps making up different excuses and putting it off. This weekend was the first time ex seen her new hair. Apparently no one noticed. My daughter said she had to tell girlfriend and her kids. She gave ex several hints. Then he said “cool, you got highlights.” My daughter said ex sounded very snotty about it. All I could do was apologize. I HATE apologizing for ex’s behavior. I hate that he is fucking up his relationship with our daughter. I hate that he is a tool. I cannot apologize that he is her father.

Oh, my ex got a taste of his own medicine – not on purpose. So, I told my daughter to ask if ex would be home around 4ish. She misheard me and typed 3. When 3pm came and went and we were not there ex started texting our daughter’s phone. He didn’t text or call me. I thought it was kind of funny because he is not concerned if he is late nor will he communicate with me. I didn’t realize the goof up. I would have text ex, but I was driving. But when I was “late” he threw a fit.

He couldn’t even come out of the house to greet us when I dropped our daughter off. That is low. I come out each time. Oh well.

Auto Pilot

There for a little while, I felt like I was moving forward. Felt like the medication was working. Then… Father’s Day reminders…

I feel like I am stuck on auto pilot. I get up. Go to work. Take care of my daughter. Take her to whatever activity she has. Go to bed.

I don’t sleep well. When I do sleep, I dream about Dad. When I’m trying to fall asleep, my mind will not stop. At work, I am able to get through the day. I find the energy to survive. But, then it is like I am so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained that I just want to go to sleep.

However, there is a positive to the auto pilot stage of my life. I am not desperate with dating. Actually, most days I forget to go online to check if I have any messages. I seem to be more alert to red flags. I don’t bother with “well, maybe he could be worth my time.” Nope. For example, I had one message me every morning: Good morning. Then at night: How was your day. After a couple of days of that, he asked for my number because he loved talking to me so much. Um, what? There was no conversation. The small talk was torture! Had one message me today. Told me his favorite band would either be Brooks and Dunn or Metallica. I am thinking that is a crazy range. I was going to reply back, but then I checked out his profile. Under relationship: living together. Why the hell would I want to put myself in that type of situation?

Life’s Challenges

Today is six months since my dad was killed. Doesn’t seem real – still. I see my dad in my dreams almost nightly. Yesterday was the court date; except, the trial got continued to a later date. The guy that killed dad was arrested, again. This time for getting angry and apparently driving his truck through his girlfriend’s house.

I’m still trying to find a better option for internet at my house so I can actually work from home. I found a optical fiber internet, but it is in the process of being built. Could take awhile… They told me about an wireless option until the fiber is ready, but that is still in the works. But the place in town that I go to for work might be closing down. Even though I have internet at home it is horrible. It is satellite internet; so, if a bird flies too low the internet stops working.

My mom and I still talk on a weekly basis. Some days are harder than others. She brags about how much weight she’s lost – because she doesn’t eat. (Ironically, when I was a teenager and not eating everyone bitched at me.) Yesterday she told me about these cute guys flirting with her. (I am going to be ashamed of myself if my daughter and my mom both get into relationships and I’m still sitting over here single).

Found out the school the youngest sibling has been attending is shutting down permanently – about two weeks before his is supposed to graduate. Not sure that is going to happen with that.

I’m attempting online dating. BUT there are so many scammers and none of the other guys interest me. I find myself bored and unmotivated to attempt a conversation with me.