A different mood than yesterday’s post.

First, I had a dream about ex. I hate dreaming about him. Usually the dreams are sexual. Thankfully, this one was not. Instead, this dream we fought the entire time. We fought in a store. Then I went to help him paint “his” house – except it wasn’t his house, it was the house I grew up in. We fought while painting the house. We fought over the color of the paint, which was brown and a very bright blue (yes, I’m one of those that does dream in colors). We fought about my name.


Legally, I still have ex’s last name. After the divorce, I tried to change back to my maiden name. I was told I did not have enough proof to do so. I have dealt with it. Oh well. I have the same last name as my daughter. If and when I get married again, I can change my name then.

If the dream, ex told me I did not deserve to have his last name.

I’m not sure what the dream means.


Online dating.

I hate online dating! It is so much like window shopping. I hate shopping. period.

It always sounds more fun than it really is. Can’t find anything in my size. Then get even more depressed because things do not fit. Everything is so expensive.

Yeah, online dating is the same way. Dating sounds so wonderful. Trying to find a relationship sounds wonderful. You scroll through all of these pictures. Find yourself looking for red flags. Wondering who is really single and who is a lying piece of shit. You find one that you think is attractive and so you message them. Then you get depressed because you get rejected.

So, yesterday…

I sent one message – again, I don’t like messaging first. Not a clue what I should say – but this guy reads my message, checks out my profile and then noting. Rejection.

Another guy messaged me. This one was an African American. Look I’m not opposed to dating black men I just never have before. This guy was attractive. He messaged me and asked if I dated black men. Told him I never had, but was not opposed to the idea. Next message he sent: You want to be mines.

Umm, no.

Had a zombie reappear. I will have to block him.

And, I messaged two other guys. Both had attractive pictures. Both are still in their twenties. Both messaged me back. Wow.

I don’t expect chatting with either of them to last too long. But, I am trying.

My daughter joked with me last night and told me my life was like a Hallmark Channel movie. Uh, no it’s not. If it was I would have a man in my life and everything would be picture perfect.

I’m not sure what my daughter sees to think my life is like a Hallmark Channel movie though.

Dating: Age Gaps

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So, I’ve wrote about my feelings… or actually concerns… about dating younger men. The first guy was only a year younger and he raped me. I automatically associated that situation to someone every younger guy would be capable of doing. Let’s face it, that is something any guy could do.

I gave a few younger guys a chance with just chatting, and they could not even do that. Conversation was straight to sex.

The serial cheater was younger, by three years, and he ended up being engaged.

So, I find myself automatically swiping left and blocking all younger guys. But really, older guys have treated me horribly too and I continue to swipe right and chat with them. Besides, eventually I do want another child and if I’m with a much older guy that may not be something he is interested in. Guys in their 40’s are typically finished having children, and are already a grandparent.

Well, tell me how crazy I am…

I got a message from a guy yesterday. Good grammar – you know that is a major plus for me. Good looking. His profile had several pictures of him – not his car or dog or some random picture. He was not drinking or smoking in any of the pictures. He’s never been married, no kids. Longest relationship was six years. Can hold a conversation. We actually have a lot in common.

He is ten years younger than I am.

I don’t know why I’ve always left the guy should be older. I mean, on average females live longer so being with a younger man kind of balances out in the long run.

He is polite. He did ask a sexual question and I told him I wasn’t going to answer anything like that and gave a reason why. He told me I did not have to explain myself. He continued chatting – a different topic – and never brought up sex again. He said he is looking for a relationship.

My first impression of him, I think he has either anxiety or depression. He did admit he has poor self-esteem. Apparently lost a true love in a car crash, and parents that were not in the picture much.

Now, I take everything that he says with a grain of salt. I’m not going to be played again.

We chatted most of yesterday. I think I’m going to send him a message today. I just look past his age.

I Still Think About Him

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This time last year, I reactivated my online dating accounts, again.

I was done taking a second break from online dating.

I had taken a year-long break to continue healing. It was time to try online dating again.

I had forgiven myself for sleeping with – well, let’s be honest – a stranger. I thought of it as a life lesson, and really it was what I needed to stop loving ex. What’s the saying? “The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.”

So, after a year away from online dating drama, I decided to try again.

I really did not expect too much when I reactivated my online dating accounts. But, a year ago, I got a message from a guy that was going to give me another major life lesson.

I know what red flags I ignored with this guy – trust me, I have replayed every conversation we’d ever had over and over in my head. But at the time, I over looked all of the red flags, because I really thought I was being way too jaded. Yes, I had been hurt by the guy that slept with me, asked me to be his girlfriend, and then ghosted. Why take out that anger and paranoia on the next guy?

A year ago, I received a message from “Rick.” He did not send the typical message “hey babe” or “hi sexy.” He sent a message: “Hi. How are you?”

Wow. Great grammar! It definitely caught my eye.

I over looked the fact that his profile name was a single letter, “R,” and that he only had one profile picture. He did tell me his first name, and he sent me additional pictures of himself on request.

The first weekend that we started talking was a drill weekend. He was military. He was real military – he talked just like ex. A lot of his mannerisms were so much like ex – think that was another reason I overlooked so many red flags. I might have still been in love with ex, and this guy reminded me of ex.

At first, we just chatted casually. I was looking for just someone to chat with – not to date; not to have a relationship with; just someone to chat with. I let my guard down and started opening up to this guy – again, since he reminded me so much of ex it felt right, familiar, and comfortable.

He quickly wanted to video chat. It was refreshing to have a guy that wanted to video chat and talk on the phone – not hide behind text messages. He lived in another state, but his kids and military base were in the same state as I.

We arranged to meet in person after chatting for three months. He drove 3.5 hours to come see me. I thought this is amazing! A guy willing to drive 3.5 hours – one way – to come hang out with me has to be pretty special, right?!? I mean, why would a guy waste that much time if he was just wanting sex?

The first time we met up, we only got to spend about thirty minutes together. We ended up making out – not my proudest moment, I know. But I felt comfortable with this guy. We’d been chatting – video chatting, texting, and talking on the phone – for three months. Two weeks later, we arranged to meet up again. I wanted to have sex – I hadn’t had sex in 18 months. I am the one that asked – my heart about pounded out of my chest. I was so scared, nervous, and worried that I would be turned down. He, of course, did not reject me.

We met at a hotel – I did not want anyone at my house. The sex was AMAZING! However, I ended up having a horrible anxiety attack. He did not run for the hills. He stayed. He called and made sure I made it home safely.

I felt like this guy had potential.

I still ignored the red flags, because I had convinced myself that he is making an effort. In one month, we’d met up six times. That is a lot of traveling – most of those times we didn’t even have sex. We would just hang out and talk. He was the type of guy that would hold a door open for you and then would slap your ass as you walked through the door.

I fell in love with him. I told him I loved him. I wasted seven months on him. Still ignoring the red flags.

What red flags did I ignore?

  • profile had one picture (which it was a full body picture, and he was wearing a hat and sunglasses. I later found out it was a much older picture of him, too.)
  • username was a single letter
  • he refused to add each other on Facebook
  • he would disappear for several days at a time and then reappear as if nothing had happened
  • he continued to tell me that he did not have a girlfriend
  • he never called me by my name
  • he refused to have a relationship, or even give us any type of title – dating, bf/gf, fwb.
  • he continued to repeat that he had never cheated on anyone
  • he talked about other women (even after we’d just had sex, he would talk about other women!)
  • He would not tell me his last name for a very long time (it was about four months of us chatting before he told me his name, which I’d already knew his last name – I’d already found him on social media. I just wanted verification from him.)

Why did I ignore all of these red flags, plus more?

  • I thought he had potential.
  • I was tired of online dating drama, so I was settling.
  • He reminded me of ex – the man I thought was my soulmate.
  • It was nice to have someone to chat with again.
  • THE SEX WAS AMAZING, and he made me feel good about my performance in bed.
  • He made me smile.

In May of this year, he was at AT for two weeks. We’d planned on meeting after the two weeks were up. I was going to introduce him to my daughter.

We’d planned on meeting on Sunday. On Friday, I had a feeling that something was not right. I could not ignore the feeling. This feeling was too strong. In two days, this man was going to meet the most important person in my life and I had a weird feeling about him.

I’d searched for him on social media before – his profile was extremely private. He did not have a picture of himself on his profile. He had a common name – there were SEVERAL guys with the same name. I found him after a few months of us chatting – so I knew his full name (even middle name). I did not disclose this information with him though.

This day, though, I continued to search. He had slipped up and posted something publicly. I could see it without being on his friends list. I looked at the comments and there it was – a red flag that I could not ignore:

A woman made the comment in response to a meme he’d posted. She said “lol. that’s my man! love you, babe!”

I clicked on her profile. Her profile picture was a picture of her with RICK.

It was an older picture. He had changed his hair style and facial hair. He had gained weight. But it was HIM.

I screenshot the picture. I texted him and asked him to call me when he got a chance.

A part of me still wishes I’d waited for his call. I wish I could have heard his voice and his reaction. But, I could not wait. I had to ask right then. I sent another text:


me: fuck it. I’m going to just ask right now. Are you seeing anyone else?

him: no, why?

me: you are dating or having a relationship with any other females?

him: no, why?

me: hmm… funny, because I found a picture of you with a woman.

him: I haven’t taken any pictures with any women. Are you even sure it is me?

me: it sure as hell looks like you.

him: it must be a very old picture, if it is even me.


Okay. I was getting nowhere with him. I messaged the woman.


me: hi. you don’t know me, but I have a very strange question: is that your boyfriend in your profile picture?

her: who are you? why do you want to know?

me: is his name Rick?

her: how long have you been sleeping together?


Our conversation continued for several minutes. I told her how long I’d been seeing him. She told me they had been together for three years. They were engaged. I was not the first chick he had cheated on her with. I apologized to her; I did not know he was with anyone. She said no hard feelings towards me.

I sent her screenshots of my conversation with him to prove it was Rick I was chatting with – I had his picture and his phone number. I showed her screenshots of him telling me he did not have a girlfriend and he was not seeing anyone else.

Then, I sent him screenshots of conversation between her and I. I told him “look I made a friend.”

I did not he hear from him after that.

I did continue to hear from her for the next several hours. She told me he was ignoring her; she was also trying to text and call him.

About six hours later, I receive a message from her. She said that he apologized to her for cheating. He said he wasn’t going to do it again. Said that he had told me that he did not want a relationship, or to even see me. Said he was not interested in me, but he was afraid that I would kill myself if he rejected me.


Made him look like the hero – yes, he had cheated, but he was keeping some poor, depressed chick from hurting herself because she couldn’t have him. HA! What an ass…

I was so mad. I was more mad at myself than at him. I had ignored red flags. I had let myself fall in love with this guy.

I still think about him. I still think about the red flags that I did ignore – I want to learn from my mistakes.

I find myself wondering if he ever felt any remorse for what he did to me. I find myself wondering if he really did stay faithful, or if he found another victim. I blocked both of them on social media, apps, and on my phone.

I worry that one day I am going to come across his profile on the dating sites again. What would my reaction be? Would I be able to bring myself to just block him without saying anything? Would he try to contact me?

I miss the conversations and the attention from a guy, but what I really miss is the sex.

He made me more jaded. He made me have even less trust in guys. He made me hate myself again.

Dating Apps and Sites: Which one to choose?

About two-and-a-half years ago a friend suggested that I try online dating. I was just now trying to get over my ex. I had tried asking friends if they knew anyone that I could date. I tried reconnecting with guys from high school. I was getting no where.

So, I decided to give online dating a try.

There are so many apps and sites. I really did not know which one to choose.

I knew I did not want to pay for a site. I have considered it though. Thinking maybe if I pay then there will be less creeps. Then I think, why would there be less creeps. Creeps have money too.

I have checked out the sites that you have to pay for – match, eharmony, farmersonly – because they talk about sign up for free or one weekend free communication. True, you can make a profile for free, but you cannot message anyone nor read any messages to you without paying. But, I was able to look at profiles — same guys as on the free sites.

I’m not going to tell you not to try a site that you have to pay for. It’s your money. Your life. Your choice.

I continue to stay on the free sites.

There are several…. So, which one is the best? Eh. Again. I will tell my experiences of the sites I’ve used.


I hated that site. I did chat with someone from that site. My first experience of being ghosted. He didn’t ghost until we chatted for two months and then planned on going on a date and meeting in person.

Personally, I did not like that site. Profiles were never filled out. Pictures were nonexistent. It was easy for people to create a new profile after you block them and they could contact you again.


This site I met a swinger – at the time I really only wanted fwb. Glad I never actually met up with this guy. He was the one that blessed me with my first dick pix… charming, I know…

This one has a bad rep. You hear plenty of fakes. I find this site are more separated, divorced, single men. Don’t get me wrong – I know there are married me on the site, but more commonly it is older men (late 30’s up to 60’s). Lots of truckers are on this site. Another common occupation is oil field.

This site will allow you to block only if they person sends you a message first, and either has to be the desktop version or the downloaded app. It has a “meet me” aspect where you can click and say you are interested, but unless the other person pays then they will never see you clicks “meet me.”

I have over 1k “meet me” clicks… not a clue who any one is, because I refuse to pay the money to see.

I have found people don’t update their profiles often on this site. Pictures are not current. I’ve gone out with three from this site – all of them did not look like their pictures. I also research before going on dates now – I find current pictures for verify who I’m chatting with.

I have actually met people that married their “true love” off of POF.


So, I joined okcupid after I got tired of POF and having the same creeps over and over messaging me.

I found two guys on this site.

First, I chatted with him off and on for months. He was cute. I have written about this guy before – he had attempted suicide. We never met in person because we lived about five hours away and he expected me to drive to him – no. The second one, we never met because we lived ten hours away from each other. I chatted with him for almost two years. We knew we would never meet up so instead we chatted as friends. He finally found a long-time girlfriend and decided to stop chatting with me.

OKC changed its format. Now you can message someone and hope that they see it. You cannot view their profile again unless the match is mutual. It is very easy to block with this site. But I never know when someone messages me – for example, I seen a message for the first time from someone that sent it back in July.

I rarely go on this site since the changes. I like that it has questions to try to match you with similar interests, hobbies, views.


This site is full of scammers and cheaters. I met the serial cheater on this site. I haven’t found anyone that really has anything positive to say about this site.

It is very easy to block and report. There are a lot of guys looking for a hook-up on this site.


I started using this app. Not a fan so far. I like that the woman has to message first – only if the match is mutual. Then the guy has a 24 hour window to reply and vice versa. I also like that this app has an option to verify your identity – a blue check mark on the profile lets you know how has verified their identity.

Again, I don’t bother with this app often. You have to turn on your location on your phone to make it work. If the time window expires then you have the option to buy more time.

Honesty, I haven’t even had a descent conversation with anyone on this app, yet.

There are other apps and sites. I’ve heard about Coffee Meets Bagel. I have not tried this one yet – funny thing is I seen it being presented on Shark Tank. There are a few others, again I haven’t tried them either.

I know I seen a post about online dating – which site was the best – and sadly, about 90% of the comments were: none. don’t do online dating – it’s dangerous. nothing but married men.

OR my favorite — don’t do online dating. if you want to find a man just go outside and find one – like at the store, gym, coffee shop.

Okay. Yes, I wish I lived in a Hallmark movie where I can meet the man of my dreams at the store! Not happening…

I live in a small town. I work multiple jobs. I take care of my kid. I don’t see any single men throwing themselves at me.

So, that is why I do online dating.

Abort: Phase Two

The other day I talked about the guy I had been chatting with. He had asked for my number so we could text.

I debated all day yesterday about giving him my number.

I had not noticed any red flags from this guy. He sent messages to me about safe topics (music, movies, food).

But he did not try to get to know ME. Did not ask what my hobbies were. Did not ask about my job.

I did ask what he was looking for – he just wanted a friend, maybe lead to dating.

I felt no attraction to him. No spark. No excitement. I did not look forward to having him text me.

I wondered if giving him my number would be leading him on. Maybe if I gave him my number then he would be more interested in getting to know me. But, there would still be the issue of no spark towards him.

I gave his profile another look. I looked at his pictures again. He reminded me of the serial cheater. Same smile. Same eyes and hair color. Same body type.

That was why there was no spark – no it was not the serial cheater.


I blocked him.

Patience is a Virtue

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I am getting tired of people’s lack of patience… yeah, I’m losing my patience for others’ lack of patience – ironic.

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Used to – when I first started online dating about two-and-a-half years ago – I would refresh the website over and over. I would have trouble waiting for someone to reply to my message. I would wait in pure agony as the seconds slowly ticked by… turning into minutes… into hours… and sometimes into days before I got a reply back. My anxiety made the waiting even worse. My desperation made it unbearable.

Yes, I said my desperation. I was desperate. I was desperate to prove there was nothing wrong with me. I was desperate to prove men wanted me, found me interesting, and even found me attractive. I was desperate to get over my ex.

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I have gotten over a lot during these past couple of years. And though I want a relationship, I don’t want to settle. I am not desperate anymore. Either like me or don’t like me. I don’t care.

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The guy I’ve been chatting with for a few days now, still nothing to really write about. He messages me. I reply. Nothing exciting. He still talks about movies, music, food. Yesterday, he talked about drinking. (I don’t drink – and that sentence runs several guys off. ha-ha)

I can tell there’s no spark. Or at least, no spark from my end. I don’t look forward to him texting. I am not excited to hear from him. I do not get butterflies in my stomach waiting to hear from him or while reading his messages.

I’m not interested. And, honestly, I’m not sure why…

Maybe I should just tell him I am not interested. Maybe I should ghost. Maybe he is just wanting a friend to chat with.

I don’t know.

Had another guy message me. I don’t check those sites often. Sometimes I do forget or my phone will not load them correctly; so, I do not get to check them even if I wanted to.

He messaged him. I responded.

Then, I got busy. I forgot. I turned off my phone to let it charge for the evening. I didn’t give online dating a second thought.

Apparently, he messaged me right after I replied – he asked tons of questions in a single message: What music do I like? What kind of movies do I like? What do I do for a living? (There might have been another question or two… don’t know, don’t remember, nor do I care)

Right after that lengthy message, he quickly replies: k, bye.

Really? First off, anyone that “k”s me, I’m done. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. My ex “k”s me and it DRIVES ME INSANE

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Secondly, the lack of patience is very unattractive (now I know why I was unable to find a guy years ago during my desperation phase…. If anyone of those guys stumble onto this blog, I’m sorry for being annoying ha-ha).

I didn’t reply, true… BUT: What if I was busy? What if I have a baby and the baby was upset? What if my phone died? What if…

Him responding “k, bye” shows he was butt-hurt. I know.

Normally, I would have just deleted his impatient messages and blocked his ass.

Instead, I decided to respond: wow, at least you’re patient.

Okay, yes, I should have just deleted his message and went on with my life. Oh well, I didn’t. Occasionally, you have to entertain yourself with online dating – might be why I’m still chatting with the other guy, just to kill some time here or there.

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Another person messaged me yesterday – not online dating related, a real person that I know – and I did not respond right away. This person sent a second message. And then sent a message through my Facebook messenger.

My phone was turned off… I did not receive them until I turned my phone back on.

It wasn’t anything major. It wasn’t an emergency.

Think this person has anxiety and does not want to admit it…

But, the lack of patience is making me grow more and more impatient.


Losing Faith in Dating

The last few days, I’ve seen posts where people are asking others’ opinions: Should I avoid dating a military vet, because they may have PTSD? Should I avoid dating someone who works early mornings/night shift, because when would I get to see them?

I’m sitting here thinking – what narrow-mindedness… Not all vets have PTSD and not all individuals with PTSD are military vets. That would be like someone saying I don’t date divorced moms because they are probably either man-haters or just looking for a “dad” for their child(ren).

And not to date someone because of the shift they work?!? What? I am up seven days a week at 3am for work. I would hate to think that guys refuse to date me because I have a weird sleep schedule.

My “favorite” are the profiles saying not to message them if you are a fat chick. I know those are the guys that are about as deep as a puddle, but still you dismiss everyone because of their weight? (I have seen some larger guys that I find attractive, then others that I don’t find attractive. But to automatically rule out everyone is a complete group… nah)

Had one guy message me (a zombie – which I will add, he is now blocked), telling me he is wanting a “normal” relationship. Uh, what is “normal?” My normal is not your normal – and I will add I HATE that word – I get what he was trying to say – but still, he was wanting a “typical relationship” with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, the man is the bread-winner and the wife cooks, cleans, and likes to cuddle (this was his definition of a “normal” relationship not mine).

I want to date. I want a relationship. But I am seriously losing faith in people… I’m about ready to say I am just looking for friends with benefits and see how that goes.

Who was better?

I seen a post today asking: Who is better in bed, ex or current lover?

I skimmed through the comments – of course, pretty much every comment said current lover was better.

My ex was my first – and for the longest time, up until two years ago – he was my only. I had nothing to compare to. What I knew about sex was what I had learned from either ex, TV, or high school guys.

At the time, I thought the sex was great – most days. I’m the type I would have sex daily. But I think I was blinded by love. I think I was so determined to keep my marriage together that I lied to myself about how “good” the sex actually was.

I look back now, and realize that it really wasn’t that great… I did not finish most of the time. I did not voice what I liked or didn’t like. When I did speak up it was dismissed or completely ignored. I hated giving my ex oral because he made me feel cheap and dirty doing it. But I forced myself to do it because I feared if I didn’t then he would find someone that would.

I did not really know what I liked – I had an idea of what I wanted to try to see if I would like or not. I did not have a chance to figure out completely – and most things, I still have not be given the chance. I am definitely more adventurous in bed than ex (actually that all three guys). But I was so scared of being judged for my likes that I kept quiet with each one (now, the serial cheater I was more vocal because I felt more comfortable, I suppose).

Even things like kissing, oral, foreplay, I find were lacking with ex.

The second guy I was with, eh, the sex was worse than ex. His foreplay was horrible. Kissing was only fun because he had a tongue ring. He liked it rough – I ended up having bruises and bite marks for almost a week. The roughness really didn’t bother me – the bruises as a result were not cool though.

The serial cheater – obviously – he was pretty good (I’m sure being a serial cheater, he’d had plenty of experience). BUT he vocalized and complimented. I felt like I was doing great. He told me I was a “rock star” with oral. (I’d never been told anything like that before). He made other comments – along the lines of me being “a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets.” So far, he has been the “best.”

I find myself wondering if he was really that “good” or if 1. he was best by comparison or 2. he made me feel like I was amazing so I enjoyed it that much more. Maybe he was just saying that because that’s what I needed to hear. Honestly, I don’t care. I loved hearing it and I loved being with him.

Then I start wondering… What if ex – who I was madly in love with, once upon a time – had made me feel like I was a rock star in bed, if I would be answering that he was the best.

Or, what if the next guy – let’s pretend I fall in love and we have a relationship – what if I don’t see him as the “best,” what effect will that have on a relationship… Thinking that he is not the best… That would probably effect him and me. Or, would love once again be blinding? Will current lover always be the “best?”

I know, I know… there is more to a relationship than just sex. But come on, sex is part of a relationship too.

Back to Looking

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One lesson that I really had to learn with online dating was “letting go.” Understanding that I will NEVER get closure from guys that ghost. I will never get closure from the two guys I have had sex with since my divorce and they disappeared. I will never get an apology from the serial cheater for making me look like a fool. Same with my ex – I will never get the closure I want.

I remember when I first started online dating, the waiting for them to return a message was torture! I didn’t understand.


I would send another message…. then another… and another.

I wanted to be wanted. I wanted the attention. I wanted to see that there was nothing wrong with me, and that guys were attracted to me. Ex had told me that guys would not be interested in me. Guys would not want to get to know me, have sex with me, or be in a relationship with me – I wanted to prove him wrong.

When not replying to messages, I get sometimes you are busy, have a life, taking care of kids, and not attached to your phone 24/7. But then again, it takes seconds to return a text/message.

I haven’t really been interested in anyone since the serial cheater. So, the messaging back and forth has been limited. I don’t care if they don’t message me back. Most of the time I’m the one that doesn’t message back – if I even reply in the first place.

Had one message me yesterday – he was about eight years older than I am. He was very talkative. I think if I had asked, he would have told me his ENTIRE life story. But, he made me uncomfortable. He asked questions about my daughter, too. No. Sorry, I don’t know you. I do not answer questions about her. **block**

The younger guy, I got one message from him early yesterday. I responded. Didn’t hear anything else.

So, back to: Do I message him again today? Do I wait and see if he messages me? Do I block and delete? Do I not block and just continue my search?

A part of me wants to message him (and I probably will. Just to see if he is interested. Then if no response I will block and delete). Another part knows I’m just wanting to see if fwb would be a possibility – then I feel dirty for thinking that fwb would even be a possibility with ANYONE. I mean after everything I have been through with guys, do I really want a guy to have my permission to use me for sex? Do I want to set myself up for getting hurt? Do I want to place myself in a situation where the possibility of something very dangerous happening?

See, I’m back to that jaded attitude.

I’m sure it is mutual. I’m sure the feeling of being used and feeling dirty is not a part of fwb. (That’s why yesterday I made the comment in my post that I don’t know the details with fwb) I want someone with experience to ask questions to so I can get a better idea.

But I also don’t want to advertise on my dating profiles that I am looking for fwb. **Can only imagine the creeps I would get messaging me then** I want to find someone that maybe it could lead to a relationship.

I don’t want to catch feelings and be hurt… again.

Ideally, I would want a trusted friend for fwb.

I have one friend – he is crazy attractive! Jeez. He has asked about friends with benefits. BUT he lives five hours away. Sorry. Not happening. I’m not driving to another state for sex. But, in reality, if this guy lived closer I would definitely try fwb with him. I know he would be a safe choice – I don’t see him ever hitting me or trying something without my permission. We’ve known each other since high school – I was one of his first friends when he moved there. He has seen my anxiety. He has talked to me on the phone during my depression. I have talked to him about his PTSD and gave him someone to talk to and cry to about his military memories.

Besides that guy, I really don’t know – or have – any male friends – that are not married/in a relationship.

So, I guess finding a trusted friend is out of the question.

Back to online dating? Again, do I message the young guy? Do I continue looking online? I feel like I have seen all these guy’s pictures hundreds of times (Most of them don’t even change their pictures or update their profiles. I’ve been doing online dating off and on for a couple of years. So I feel like it is just a constant loop of losers)

Think I’m leaning towards fwb because I’m not having any luck finding a relationship – I CAN’T EVEN FIND A DATE… I think I’m feeling extra pressure too. Found out in two weeks ex and my daughter are moving into girlfriend’s house permanently. I’m scared, hurt, nervous, bitter…

Makes me really start to think there is something wrong with me. Guys online don’t find me interesting. Ex gets to have a family – which he never wanted more children – the family I wanted.

Also, I had found a support group online. I found this group about a year or so ago. It has been wonder to have other divorced women to chat with and ask questions to. It was comforting to find others who were going to similar situations, thoughts, feelings as myself. Well, I guess I am losing that support group now… Going to have to start paying a monthly fee to be a member.


Oh, How I’ve Missed Online Dating…

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Oh, how I’ve missed online dating… I hope everyone can hear the sarcasm just pour from that statement.

I did talk myself into trying online dating – again. This will be attempt number four (was really hoping third time was a charm, but third time brought the serial cheater into my life). I miss going on dates. But come on, the past two days have been a complete joke.

Maybe I don’t know how to properly answer these guys’ questions…


Yesterday, had four men messaged me:

#1: One picture of himself. He messaged me saying – the same line they all say – “Your profile caught my attention. You are so gorgeous and you look so nice. Your eyes are stunning. I had to stop and talk to you. I want to get to know you. I want to take you on a date under the stars and kiss you so deep that it leaves you speechless. How does that sound?”

I thought he wanted honesty. I said “sounds like you’re looking for a piece of ass.”

**he blocked me**

Sad day… haha

#2: He messaged me telling me how beautiful I am. Asked what am I looking for and asked if I have I had any luck yet. Then the famous question, “do you like a man in uniform?”

Great… How do I answer this red flag question?

I asked if he was deployed. (because seriously, all the scammers are “conveniently” deployed) He said no. I said alright.


Men in uniforms scare me. Ex is military. Serial cheater was military. Seriously, if they are examples of men in uniform, yikes… (I know there are some awesome guys in the military. I have a friend who is married to a military man. He is really good to her. But I’m just going by MY experiences)

He is from a different state.

Not falling for that again.

**I went ahead and saved us both the time. I blocked him**

Think if the right military guy came around, I’d be able to give him a chance and be with a military guy. But, he is going to have to be pretty amazing… I am, sadly, still pretty jaded.

#3: He messaged me. Casual conversation. Nothing amazing. After a few messages were exchanged he called me “babe.” I hated it. I abandoned the conversation.


I don’t like random men calling me pet names.

Makes me gag.

I will tell them I am not interested without looking at profile or even giving them a chance if that’s how they address me.

Had one send me a message saying “hey sexy ass.”

Here’s the thing… IF I was in a relationship, then hell yeah I would love to called babe, sexy, honey, etc. BUT if I don’t know the guy – I know they are saying it to every chick they message – then I just get grossed out.


#4: I did check out his profile first, but did not message him.

I hate sending the first message! What do you say?

The original first message: Hello! How are you?

…Not very eye catching, I know.

The time invested first message – go through their profile and find a piece of information to work with: I see you play guitar. What genre do you play? Do you write your own music?

Either way, I don’t get many responses. They will check out my profile and that’s it.

Guess my looks aren’t up to par.

Maybe my profile is boring.

This guy – #4 – face is okay looking. I flipped to the next picture, he is shirtless and there is so much body hair.

Okay, maybe I’m shallow… I don’t like lots of body hair. Facial hair – okay – as long as they are groomed. But a ton of chest hair, again, I’m grossed out. My first thought is during sex choking on all that hair… Or, if his chest has that much hair, then I can only imagine below the belt.


So, my shallow ass left his profile and continued scrolling through other profiles.

He messaged me.

We exchanged a couple of messages. Nothing exciting.

The causal talk – how are you? what are you looking for?

I told him I was looking for a relationship. He asked fast or slow. Well, slow obviously… I’m not stupid or desperate.

He said he was looking for a good woman (original… obviously dude). He asked if I was a good woman. (Are you kidding me? How the hell do you answer that… Yes, of course. Why the hell would I say “no?” Sorry man, I’m not a good woman. I am a bitch. I am shallow. I am a pain in the ass. I am jaded. I battle with food, my weight, depression, and anxiety on a daily basis. RUN as fast as you can.)

Then, the wonderful question, he asks me: If you are a good woman, then why are you single?

Hmm… again, all these possible answers dance in my head: I’m a bitch. I’m shallow. I’m a pain in the ass. I’m jaded. I’m depressed. I’m a mess. I haven’t been trying too hard to find anyone. The last guy I fell in love with was a serial cheater.

My response: I’m not into fwb or married men. (And, seriously, that is about all that is on dating sites. The pickings are slim.)

I am currently awaiting his response.


So, I guess I will continue trying and looking.

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