Dreams

I have been taking my new medications. They are no longer making me feel sick. I still don’t sleep all night, but I’ve noticed when I do sleep it is a deeper sleep.

Last night I had a dream about lots of spiders and their webs everywhere. Apparently I have a lot of anxiety, which I do. I’m stressing about money.

I also had a dream about taking a pregnancy test. It came out positive. In the dream, I told my ex-husband it was his baby. Pregnancy is dreams represents new things – I’m ready for some new things and hopefully a break. To dream about an ex is actually supposed to be directed toward yourself. I completely believe that. I hate myself for spending as long as I did with him. I hate myself even more for continuing to sleep with him after the divorce. I haven’t been with him for four years, but I still hate myself for it.

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Doctor Follow-Up and Additional Health Issues

I had my six-month follow-up appointment with my doctor.

I was already on the highest dose of this specific antidepressant. I can tell they are helping. I still have bad days. I still have negative thoughts. I’m still drained by the end of the day. So, now I am on an even higher dose. This medication maxes out, which was the dose I was taking; so, now I’m taking a lower dose three-times-a-day. We’ll see how that goes.

I told my doctor symptoms/concerns I’ve been having. He had blood work done on me. Now, I’m also on medication for thyroid issues.

I started my new medications today. I feel sick as a dog. I am fighting the urge to puke. You’re suppose to wait before eating. So new medications – both are quick release, so not gel covered.

Job Interview

So, I’ve been looking for a new job for about six months now. I what to keep doing what I’m already doing, just with a different company. The company I am with now did a company wide pay cut right after everyone signed their contracts. I took a $3/hour pay cut. I have been feeling it ever since!

I’ve been researching companies. I don’t want to apply for a company that I’m going to hate.

I found one and I have a good feeling about it. A friend works for that company and recommended it, too.

Anyway, I decided to apply for the position. I put in my application and they wanted to schedule an interview. Awesome, right?

Ugh. Anxiety is a bitch!!

I scheduled the interview and then cancelled it. I waited a few days and decided to reschedule. My anxiety started to get the best of me. I was determined to cancel the interview again. Well… My interview was less than 12 hours away. Could not cancel or reschedule if it was less than 12 hours away.

Talk about full panic. I felt like I was going to puke. I wanted to cry. I started shaking and feeling horrible.

I started thinking about not showing up for the interview. The website said two no-shows would result in having to wait three months before being able to apply again.

I thought well if I don’t show up this time, I will show up for the next one.

I couldn’t do that. What if they remember I was a no-show and already have this negative impression of me?!? I would definitely not get the job in the future.

I attended the interview. Once I started showing my skills, I felt at home. I am good at what I do – I know I am. The interview had a time limit to show what I could do. The time flew by! I was shocked.

After the interview was over, I felt this weight lifted.

Today, I received an email saying CONGRATULATIONS.

Teddy Bear

I have always been a daddy’s girl. After dad was killed, I asked mom for some of his stuff. I got a single hat. I have hoped she would eventually give me more as time passed – hasn’t happened yet.

The other day I seen a post from mom that made me feel such a mix of emotions…

She posted a picture of a teddy bear she had made from one of dad’s shirts. It was one of his favorite shirts. I had bought him that shirt many years ago for father’s day. I have several pictures of us together – or just him – wearing that shirt. I had hoped to get that shirt one of these days to keep.

When I seen the teddy bear I was angry, sick, hurt…

I felt like a lot of the fabric was missing – wasted – why not make a bigger bear or multiple bears to use more of the shirt. That is one shirt I always seen dad wearing, and now it is gone.

Are my feelings justified? I honestly don’t know. It sounds stupid, petty, and selfish of me. But that is how I feel. There were maybe four shirts I really remembering seeing dad in – since I lived a few hours away, I didn’t see him often. One is now a teddy bear. One he was buried in.

I actually haven’t even talked to mom in a week – not since she called me bitching about tagging dad in spam (which it wasn’t me doing it – damn hackers).

 

Hackers and Spam

I am so fucking tired of hackers. I have been dealing with them for about six months now. I have ran scans on my phone and computer, and both come up clean. Then I still have accounts getting hacked. WTF!!

Well, apparently my Facebook account has been tagging people in spam. My daughter asked me about it here a while back. I thought maybe it was an isolated situation. No one else mentioned it. Plus, I couldn’t see it on my account.

Fast forward to last night about 9pm. My mom calls me. I answered. It was odd for her to be calling that late. She starts accusing me of sending spam. Asking why would I tag dad in that. WHAT?!? That is the coldest, most insensitive thing, why would “I” do that?!? She continues telling me that she reported me when I tagged dad. She removed herself from the tag. A few weeks ago, apparently, another one of our mutual friends had asked mom if she thought I would be offended if this mutual friend untagged herself from the post.

I was so mad and hurt!

Mad that people thought I was doing that. That doesn’t even sound like me. Mad that apparently this shit has been going on for weeks and no one said a fucking word to me about it!

Hurt that people that I was doing that. Hurt that people don’t know me better. Hurt that people would rather untag themselves instead of talk to me.

Oh, and I get to spend a week in fb jail.

 

Feel Like I Am Drowning

It has been extremely difficult here lately. I can’t afford to refill my antidepressants right now. So, I have quit them cold turkey. I feel like shit, honestly. I am fighting several negative thoughts. I have zero energy. My anxiety is sky high. It’s pretty much lead to me being physically ill.

Work has been slow. My paycheck has suffered, which does not help with my mental state right now.

I had to get a new car a couple of months ago. I am drowning in bills. I paid sales tax on the car. I got hit with $600 more than I was expecting.

The guy that killed dad was offered a deal of 15 years. He did not accept the deal. We are waiting for jury trial now. It was supposed to be earlier this month. Well, shit happens. It got postponed AGAIN! Then his POS lawyer told mom’s lawyer that they were making a counter-offer of 10K and 15 years of jail time. Ten of those years are to be postponed. He would only serve five years and be up for parole in three years. Luckily, my mom told them to take their offer and shove it up their ass. So, NOW the jury trial is not scheduled until December. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? November will be a year!! What the hell is wrong with our justice system?!? Let’s hope he will stay in jail until the court date. I’m hoping no bail bondsmen will touch him. We were able to get all previous bails rejected. So, the bondsmen (there have been two thus far) lost their money. Hoping that will make all others refuse him.

Dating… Ha! One of my dating accounts got hacked. I created a new account. I can’t even find anyone that I want to hold a conversation with!!

I just want to scream, cry, and vent. But there’s no one to vent to.

First Birthday without My Dad

I’m slowing going through each of the “first” without my dad. Tomorrow will be my first birthday without him. Dad was always the first one to wish me “happy birthday.” I received an early happy birthday message from one of dad’s coworkers today. He said he knows my birthday is tomorrow, but there’s nothing wrong with being first.

I completely broke down.

I want my dad to continue to be the first one to wish me happy birthday. I know that’s not possible. But it still hurts that he will never be the first message on my birthday again.

Backing Out of Plans

The other day my mom called and invited my daughter and me to meet up for lunch. I declined. She already had my brothers with her and they were on the road, which means the three of them would have been waiting for us for at least an hour or so – since we live farther away.

My daughter asked why didn’t we go.

Well, because I have anxiety and depression. I had a million “what ifs” run through my mind as soon as mom invited us. I also had NO motivation to go. I didn’t want to be in public.

I told my daughter if she’d gave us more of a heads up we would have went, but spur of the moment stuff like that doesn’t work for me. I can’t do it. I’m sorry.

I’m still taking my antidepressants. However, I’m finding myself having more challenging days here lately. Not sure if it’s because of everything coming up – court date; my first birthday without my dad; the one year mark of my dad’s death. Or maybe I’m needing a higher dose of medication. I’m on the highest dose of this type already.

I just want to sleep, but I struggle to sleep. I feel drained of all energy. It takes very long pep talks to myself to get motivated to do things. Things like work or taking care of my kid are easier to find motivation for – really I don’t find myself struggling with the important stuff. I get ready and take her wherever she needs to go. I help her with homework. I make my paycheck. I’m talking about housework or being social (meeting my family for lunch the other day, for example).

Overdose

So, life has had its ups and downs since my last post.

Tomorrow will be nine months since my dad was killed. It still doesn’t seem real. I still have dreams about my dad. In my dreams, he is alive. I wake up feeling so disappointed when I realize he is gone. That I will never get to see him or speak with him again.

My mom tells me about guys that ask her out on dates. She talks about one guy that she is interested in. I keep my feelings to myself. I get she is lonely. BUT it has only been nine months.

My brother overdosed yesterday. Mom found him and called 911. Currently, he is in ICU. If she had been 20-30 minutes later finding him, he would be dead now. It took six doses of Narcan to bring him around enough for him to be able to talk. I really don’t know anything else.

My ex went to a different state for a deployment last week. He did not tell me that he was getting deployed! He claims he told me. I’m sorry, but that is something I WOULD remember!! I told him that he did not tell me about this deployment. HOWEVER, he told me about a deployment for next year. So, we were texting back and forth about this. THEN he sends me a text that he was never going on the deployment next year. That he was just telling me about that deployment because the other guys at his base are going on it. Why would I care about the rest of his base?!? Well, the other night, he called our daughter. She got tired of holding her phone so she put it on speaker and laid it down. She asked him when he was getting back from this deployment. Then she asked him when he was going on that deployment next year – the one he told me he was never going on – he gave her dates and a time frame!!

Dating has been a joke. I have tried talking to a few guys. Local guys just want sex. I don’t want to just be used for sex. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP. So, I guess I will continue to wait around.

A Mailbox is more Important than my Dad?!?

Our legal system is so fucked up.

The guy that killed dad is still causing chaos. His most recent act was totaling another truck. He fled the scene. Hid from the cops. When confronted by the police, he lied – said his truck was stolen.

They finally arrested him and took him in front of a judge. Bail was set for $150k. All other bails were revoked – so, he would have to pay all of them again before he could get out.

Less than two days, he had ALL of the money, in cash of course. However, bail was denied because they found out during the most recent wreck he hit a mailbox.

Now he is being held for federal charges.

I’m sorry, but WHAT THE HELL?!? He KILLED my dad and got back on the streets the next day! He hits a mailbox and can’t get out now.

The more I think about it the sicker I feel. I think about it and feel like the breath has been knocked out of me. I fight back the urge to vomit. I choke back the sting of tears. I try to keep my anxiety in check.

I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m lost. I’m alone.