Death and Divorce

I have realized something, death and divorce are so similar. They both make people so nervous and unsure of how to react and respond to someone going through the situation. The person living in the situation is so lost and confused.

Now, I know there are some people that want divorce.

I filed for my divorce – honestly only because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have ever been filed. I’m not joking. I ran back to ex. I tried to convince him to give “us” another chance. I slipped into a major depression so deep that I truly believed suicide was my only way out.

I hear a lot of people saying “congratulations” to someone who recently got divorced. This reminds me of the whole situation of saying “I’m sorry” to someone at a funeral. We really don’t know what else to say.

Even if the person wanted the divorce, maybe they do not see anything to be celebrating. At the time, I seen the “death” of my marriage, my family. I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother. I failed as a person. I did not want to celebrate anything.

Just like after my dad was killed, I was so tired of hearing people say “I’m sorry.”

However, how I have handled myself in both situations has really made a big difference. After my divorce, I was depressed and suicidal. I kept it a secret that I was still sleeping with my ex-husband. I felt cheap and worthless. I did not seek any help. I seriously did not believe I deserved any help. With my dad’s death, I allowed myself to cry in front of others. I allowed myself to hug and be comforted by a stranger. I found others living in a similar situation as myself. I used my blog to write out my feelings. I went to the doctor to get medication for my depression.

 

Getting Through this Weekend

Father’s Day is tomorrow. The first Father’s Day without my dad. I am planning on making him a flower arrangement for his grave. I can’t find any flowers that I like though…

But, my anxiety is high this weekend because of tomorrow. I feel like if I think about it I may lose it. I am trying to keep my mind busy. So, I am trying to find ideas for a room makeover for my daughter’s bedroom. I bought our house during my divorce. She was seven. Her favorite color was pink. She wore pink EVERYTHING. Her bedroom got painted pink – glittery pink. At the time, she LOVED it!! Now, she is 13. She HATES the color pink.

So I am thinking about doing a makeover next month while she is at summer camp. I am thinking about doing this idea with the geometric shapes (except the colors would be white, navy blue, silver).

Image result for blue, silver, and white geometric shapes for bedroom

Then to help brighten the room, I was thinking about adding some mirrors:

Image result for mirror decor ideas

Maybe adding some decals:

Image result for bedroom decals for teen girls

(probably would find more tumbling and dance related. Even though she wants to do gymnastics, we do not have a gym here that offers gymnastics.)

Maybe some butterflies:

Image result for 3D butterfly stickers for bedroom

Then some string lights for her pictures:

20 Led Photo Clips String Lights (6.5 Ft, Warm White) for Hanging Pictures, Cards, Artwork, Decorations, I0416

Then, I was thinking about her furniture. I found something to make it all look the same and to tie into the theme. Marble wallpaper and cover the desk, and headboard of her bed:

Image result for marble wallpaper for furniture

 

Auto Pilot

There for a little while, I felt like I was moving forward. Felt like the medication was working. Then… Father’s Day reminders…

I feel like I am stuck on auto pilot. I get up. Go to work. Take care of my daughter. Take her to whatever activity she has. Go to bed.

I don’t sleep well. When I do sleep, I dream about Dad. When I’m trying to fall asleep, my mind will not stop. At work, I am able to get through the day. I find the energy to survive. But, then it is like I am so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained that I just want to go to sleep.

However, there is a positive to the auto pilot stage of my life. I am not desperate with dating. Actually, most days I forget to go online to check if I have any messages. I seem to be more alert to red flags. I don’t bother with “well, maybe he could be worth my time.” Nope. For example, I had one message me every morning: Good morning. Then at night: How was your day. After a couple of days of that, he asked for my number because he loved talking to me so much. Um, what? There was no conversation. The small talk was torture! Had one message me today. Told me his favorite band would either be Brooks and Dunn or Metallica. I am thinking that is a crazy range. I was going to reply back, but then I checked out his profile. Under relationship: living together. Why the hell would I want to put myself in that type of situation?

Life’s Challenges

Today is six months since my dad was killed. Doesn’t seem real – still. I see my dad in my dreams almost nightly. Yesterday was the court date; except, the trial got continued to a later date. The guy that killed dad was arrested, again. This time for getting angry and apparently driving his truck through his girlfriend’s house.

I’m still trying to find a better option for internet at my house so I can actually work from home. I found a optical fiber internet, but it is in the process of being built. Could take awhile… They told me about an wireless option until the fiber is ready, but that is still in the works. But the place in town that I go to for work might be closing down. Even though I have internet at home it is horrible. It is satellite internet; so, if a bird flies too low the internet stops working.

My mom and I still talk on a weekly basis. Some days are harder than others. She brags about how much weight she’s lost – because she doesn’t eat. (Ironically, when I was a teenager and not eating everyone bitched at me.) Yesterday she told me about these cute guys flirting with her. (I am going to be ashamed of myself if my daughter and my mom both get into relationships and I’m still sitting over here single).

Found out the school the youngest sibling has been attending is shutting down permanently – about two weeks before his is supposed to graduate. Not sure that is going to happen with that.

I’m attempting online dating. BUT there are so many scammers and none of the other guys interest me. I find myself bored and unmotivated to attempt a conversation with me.

Sentencing

Mom called me last night – talk about being completely shocked. Anyway, she was calling to get my opinion on sentencing of the guy that killed dad. It is now a Class B felony. It has been moved up to homicide.

She told me that she doesn’t want to take all of his money. She does not want him to rot in jail. Why? Because he has two young children.

Okay, I get that. BUT he does not have custody of the children!! His mother took him to court for custody.

It would a different story if this was a family man that made a dumb mistake one time – for example drinking and driving or texting and driving.

No, this guy is a rich druggie. He has money and thinks he is above the law. He killed my dad and then later that week got arrested for meth. This is a guy that does not care.

Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe I want revenge. I don’t know.

His lawyer tried getting the court date postponed to December. The judge said this is a homicide charge and a family waiting in limbo for some closer. The judge denied waiting until December.

So, during our phone call, mom asked me what I wanted. I broke down crying. I seriously just want my dad back. I want all of this to be some horrible dream that I can wake up from.

In reality, I think I want the guy to go to jail for at least 10 years. After that, I want him to finish his court ordered rehab. I think his probation should be 5-10 years. During probation, he should have to take random drug tests (a couple a week, at least).

DWI Charges

Those that have been reading my posts the past few months know the situation surrounding my dad’s death. The guy that killed my dad had court last week. I expected mom to call or to text me after court – to sometime that day – to keep me informed on what is going on in the case. She didn’t. I messaged her. Found out the state is adding DWI charges to the list of crimes. The court date has once again been postponed. Hard to believe my dad has been gone for five months.

Personal Struggle

Before dad’s death, I rarely talked to my mom. After dad was killed, I did call mom everyday. Then started to call every couple of days. Recently, its been about once a week. I figured dad would want me to call and check on her.

However, ever since mom told me she has been STILL talking to ex about me behind my back I am struggling to decide what I should do.

Do I keep calling? When I do call, do I say as little as possible? Do I stop calling?

Eh.

Yesterday was Dad’s birthday. I was emotional. I cried a few times. For his birthday, we did a balloon release – no judgements (I know it’s not safe for the environment and all that). We wrote notes to dad and attached them to the balloons. It was nice. I even bought a dress for the occasion – and I’m not a dress type chick. The dress was pretty. I am way too fat for it, but again no judgement.

My daughter told me the other day that she did not like me. That was painful. She was mad at her dad and said it while he was standing there. However, she did apologize through text a few hours later. Since that day our relationship has been great.

Found out my mom and my ex and talking – still – about me behind my back. Apparently my mom called my ex last month to see if he would bring his truck down sometime and load their old lawnmower for me. (According to my mom) Ex told her he couldn’t because his girlfriend doesn’t like when he does stuff to help me out.

First of all, mom didn’t even ask me about giving me the mower! This mower is at least 12 years old. My dad didn’t even think it would survive another year. So, she is wanting to give me something that is going to break down. Then what the hell am I supposed to do?!? Secondly, I have hired someone to do my yard work. This guy is amazing. He mows and weedeats. He is surprisingly very cheap! Plus, he came to my house one day and helped me change a flat – didn’t ask for any money in return. I hadn’t told ex I’d hired someone. Frankly, it’s none of his damn business. Anyway, mom told ex that I’d hired someone. We’ll see what drama comes from their little conversation. Third, how fucking dare he have that attitude that he can’t help me! I am the mother of his child. Is that really the lesson we want to teach our daughter? Now, I try not to ask my ex for shit, but what if it was an emergency? It scares me because I still have him as my emergency contact. What if something happens to me and he doesn’t come? Yes, I would help him if he needed something. Would I be happy about helping him – probably not. I’d probably cuss under my breath, but I would still help because I want my daughter to see her parents can still get along. But honestly I don’t ask him for anything. I know better.

Anyway, for dad’s birthday we had lunch and birthday cake. It was mom, my siblings, the grandkids AND my brother’s ex and her girlfriend. My mom told me she invited them because his ex will always be the mother of his child so everyone needs to get along. I understand that, but why didn’t she invite my ex then? She must have read my mind because she said I didn’t invite your ex because your dad hated him. She told me she has issues with my ex and she is not ready to resolve them just now.

 

No Tears

Yesterday, not much happened in court. Both sides agreed to be ready to go to trial later this month.

While waiting for my daughter’s team pictures and game to start, I was standing there talking to someone. Everything just started spilling out. About the court date. About my dad’s death. About what the past four and a half months have been like.

A part of me wanted to shut up, but the words just poured out. The other part of me was so happy to have someone to listen.

They asked questions. I was able to talk and answer their questions without breaking down. I felt my anxiety grow, but I did not cry.

Mother-Daughter Relationships

Yesterday was a hard day in terms of mother-daughter relationships.

First, my relationship with my mom has always been horrible. Growing up, she was emotionally abusive. As I became an adult I forced myself to have a relationship with her so my daughter would have a relationship with her grandmother. After my dad was killed, I knew my dad would want me to help my mom out. So, I would call her often. Well, today mark’s four months since he was killed. Our phone calls have gone from daily to once a week.

I called her last night to check on her. I got to hear about how much weight she has lost – that is how she is handling dad’s death, by not eating. Which, awesome for her for loosing some weight. But she just keeps on and on and on. Talking about exactly how too big her clothes are. Talking about the new size she fits into.

Maybe I’m jealous. I am an emotional eater. I gain weight. So, maybe I am jealous. But during the entire phone call, all I could remember was my childhood and my mom making fun of me because of my weight. My mom giving me hell that she could fit into my clothes and they would be too big on her. Her always putting me on diets.

I’ve always feared my relationship with my daughter would be like the relationship I have with my mom.

Yesterday was a school dance. My daughter would not let me take any pictures of her outside of the car – talk about heartbreak scrolling on social media and seeing all the other girl’s pictures and mom’s posting about how much the girls have grown. My daughter’s best friend posted this sweet message to her mom and being thankful for having her as a mom. Thanking her for always driving her everywhere she needs to go. My daughter has so much attitude these days. I get eye rolls and go to hell looks. I get tears and screams.

I told my daughter that I remember what it is like being a teenager, but in the future she will love having the pictures. I mean, there are only a couple of pictures of me as a teenager. I try to take more pictures of my daughter and I together – even though I hate pictures of myself – because I don’t want my daughter to look back after I’m dead and wonder why there are not more pictures of us together. I hate that I do not have more pictures of my dad and I together. The last picture I have with my dad is two years do – there’s no excuse for that…