Dating Update

I never in my wildest dreams do have thought I would STILL be single this long after my divorce. Then again, how hard have I really been trying to find the right person…

One positive thing about still being single, apparently I am teaching my daughter very well. Remember she had a boyfriend? She told him to hit the road after he told her she was not allowed to talk to any other guys. Talk about a proud mama!

I started chatting with a guy online. Attractive guy. He is very articulate. BUT he is just looking for FWB. Of course… (a part of me wants to says okay I deserve some fun. another part of me says why do that to myself)

Social Distancing

I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about the virus. I know I am, but having joint custody of my daughter during this time is so stressful. I have no control on what ex does when she is with him. I hate it. Last weekend he went to see his parents. His mom lives with his sister during the week. Of course, where sister live has been hit pretty hard. I get they might not have the virus, but can we just pretend everyone has it and stay away from each other for a couple of weeks…

I have learned my daughter is addicted to her phone. I mean ADDICTED to her phone. The other day she was hateful and sassy with everything I said or did. I gave up and took her phone as punishment – I normally don’t do that (actually it is rare if I have to punish her). She cried and screamed. She had the shakes. She begged for it. She told me I was a horrible mom. So, I guess I need to start forcing her to sit the phone down to try to break the addiction. I get it. She’s a teenager. She hasn’t been in school for a few weeks. The phone is her only chance to socialize. Still no reason to be a pain in the ass like that towards me.

Overall, I guess we are handling it okay. I am used to social distancing. I’ve been a loner my whole life. I like social distancing. It is strange not to be running my daughter to different activities though.

 

Life in 2020

Well, 2019 ended roughly. I did not get to see my daughter at all on her birthday. It hurt, but I survived. She was tired of going back and forth from the holidays. So, I did what was best for her – not to have to travel back and front back-to-back days.

2020 has been interesting. First, I’m now working a combination of four – yes, four – part-time jobs. I have an interview for another one coming up. I have lost 10lbs. Oh, and my mom has a boyfriend. Don’t know if I am “okay” with it, but it is not my choice.  I don’t know anything about him. I’m still single.

Possible New Job

Ex texted our daughter last night saying he was offered a new job. Honestly, I don’t see him taking it. But if he does then I guess I am going to have to get a lawyer.

The job offer is across the country. Okay, ex already works in another state – which I’m pretty sure not allowed in our divorce papers. BUT he found a loop hole – he moved in with girlfriend. So, even though he works out of state, he receives mail at a local address. So I’m sure the courts would say he still is applying to the divorce decree. In our divorce papers it says we can not move within “x” miles. Now moving across country I am going to have to fight this – not that I want him around. Life is so much easier when he is not here. My daughter doesn’t have a hateful attitude. I don’t have to worry about his drama. But, come on… I know he would want to fly her across the country at times. With all of her activities that would be a challenge. So, I would have to get a lawyer to fight for custody arrangements. Next, the job offer pays more than I have made in my entire life. So, yeah, lawyer would be need to fight for child support. If his income is that much more than mine – I barely survive (that’s not an exaggeration. My income is considered so low that the government sees it as nontaxable.)

Now, in reality I don’t see him taking the job. But it is adding unnecessary stress and worry.  I did ask my daughter how she felt about what ex texted, she said she didn’t know – typical teenager answer.

One Year

I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was difficult for me. I am still angry at myself for letting stupid family drama prevent me from saying ‘goodbye’ to my dad. I know dad forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.

November 30 was one year. Can not believe it has been a year. It still feels like yesterday calling my mom and her saying “dad didn’t make it.” I worked about 16 hours that day. So, I really kept myself distracted. I did cry, but I kept myself together while around others.

There was a pretrial. A deal was made. He agreed to plead guilty to all accounts for 10 years – three years being suspended. So, there will be no jury trial. He will go in front of the judge and see what the judge decides.

I got the new job. I haven’t got to start yet. Let’s hope I get to start soon. I really hope it was the right choice. I have been with the one company for three years, but the new company offers better pay and more benefits for doing pretty much the same thing. It’s just being the new kid takes a while to get assigned for things.

Hmm… nothing new with ex. He is choosing girlfriend’s kids over our daughter. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do.

Dating. Ha. I can’t find anyone worth the time of getting to know. Really hoping one day the right guy walks into my life. But at this rate, the poor bastard must be lost and refusing to ask for directions.

My daughter is doing amazing in school. Last year, she struggled with band. She cried and wanted to quit on a daily basis. I told her EVERYONE hates beginning band – its boring because you are learning notes, chords, and faking it until you make it. It is hell listening to the squeaks and awful noises. It is torture on your body because you are using muscles you’ve never used before. I told her to give it another year. I told her at the beginning of this year after this year if she still wants to quit band then she could. She is halfway through the school year. She LOVES band. She makes 100% on assignments.

First Thanksgiving Without Dad

Yesterday, was a challenging day for several reasons.

It was the first Thanksgiving without dad. It was a year since I’ve seen my dad alive. Regrets and memories from last year started first thing yesterday morning. Hating myself for leaving without saying goodbye last year. I never imagined that would be the last time I would ever see him.

It definitely wasn’t the same without him there. Typically, dinner is us sitting around the table eating, telling stories, and laughing. Besides some conversation with my brother and of course with my daughter, there was no talking. Besides taking snapchat filtered pictures with my daughter, there was no laughing. It was horrible.

I did not get to go to his grave because the weather was horrible. I wouldn’t have been able to get to his grave. I’m hoping Christmas has nice weather. I would like to sit at his grave for a little while.

Driving in the bad weather made my anxiety so bad. I was shaking. I feared wrecking my car.

I did have a wonderful time with my daughter. Too bad she’s with ex for a few days now.

Possible Settlement

The guy that killed dad has a possible deal offer. The pretrial date is coming up soon. Then the jury trial dates are set for next month.

Mom called me last night asked what I would do.

Uh… I want him to serve the maximum! Which maximum is twenty years. I want him to go to rehab and complete it. I want him to be on probation for AT LEAST five years. I think he should have to serve 250 hours of community service – for example, talking to youth about the damage of doing drugs.

BUT… what if we go to jury trial and one jury member does not find him guilty. I can not handle him just getting to walk away with a slap on the wrist. This asshole killed my dad, then when sitting in the cell BRAGGED that they could not pin anything on him because he had money.

On a more positive note, I am one step closer to getting the new job. I signed the contract. I just have to wait for the background check to be completed. Then I guess I will get to start.

Feel Like I Am Drowning

It has been extremely difficult here lately. I can’t afford to refill my antidepressants right now. So, I have quit them cold turkey. I feel like shit, honestly. I am fighting several negative thoughts. I have zero energy. My anxiety is sky high. It’s pretty much lead to me being physically ill.

Work has been slow. My paycheck has suffered, which does not help with my mental state right now.

I had to get a new car a couple of months ago. I am drowning in bills. I paid sales tax on the car. I got hit with $600 more than I was expecting.

The guy that killed dad was offered a deal of 15 years. He did not accept the deal. We are waiting for jury trial now. It was supposed to be earlier this month. Well, shit happens. It got postponed AGAIN! Then his POS lawyer told mom’s lawyer that they were making a counter-offer of 10K and 15 years of jail time. Ten of those years are to be postponed. He would only serve five years and be up for parole in three years. Luckily, my mom told them to take their offer and shove it up their ass. So, NOW the jury trial is not scheduled until December. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? November will be a year!! What the hell is wrong with our justice system?!? Let’s hope he will stay in jail until the court date. I’m hoping no bail bondsmen will touch him. We were able to get all previous bails rejected. So, the bondsmen (there have been two thus far) lost their money. Hoping that will make all others refuse him.

Dating… Ha! One of my dating accounts got hacked. I created a new account. I can’t even find anyone that I want to hold a conversation with!!

I just want to scream, cry, and vent. But there’s no one to vent to.

Overdose

So, life has had its ups and downs since my last post.

Tomorrow will be nine months since my dad was killed. It still doesn’t seem real. I still have dreams about my dad. In my dreams, he is alive. I wake up feeling so disappointed when I realize he is gone. That I will never get to see him or speak with him again.

My mom tells me about guys that ask her out on dates. She talks about one guy that she is interested in. I keep my feelings to myself. I get she is lonely. BUT it has only been nine months.

My brother overdosed yesterday. Mom found him and called 911. Currently, he is in ICU. If she had been 20-30 minutes later finding him, he would be dead now. It took six doses of Narcan to bring him around enough for him to be able to talk. I really don’t know anything else.

My ex went to a different state for a deployment last week. He did not tell me that he was getting deployed! He claims he told me. I’m sorry, but that is something I WOULD remember!! I told him that he did not tell me about this deployment. HOWEVER, he told me about a deployment for next year. So, we were texting back and forth about this. THEN he sends me a text that he was never going on the deployment next year. That he was just telling me about that deployment because the other guys at his base are going on it. Why would I care about the rest of his base?!? Well, the other night, he called our daughter. She got tired of holding her phone so she put it on speaker and laid it down. She asked him when he was getting back from this deployment. Then she asked him when he was going on that deployment next year – the one he told me he was never going on – he gave her dates and a time frame!!

Dating has been a joke. I have tried talking to a few guys. Local guys just want sex. I don’t want to just be used for sex. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP. So, I guess I will continue to wait around.

Death and Divorce

I have realized something, death and divorce are so similar. They both make people so nervous and unsure of how to react and respond to someone going through the situation. The person living in the situation is so lost and confused.

Now, I know there are some people that want divorce.

I filed for my divorce – honestly only because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have ever been filed. I’m not joking. I ran back to ex. I tried to convince him to give “us” another chance. I slipped into a major depression so deep that I truly believed suicide was my only way out.

I hear a lot of people saying “congratulations” to someone who recently got divorced. This reminds me of the whole situation of saying “I’m sorry” to someone at a funeral. We really don’t know what else to say.

Even if the person wanted the divorce, maybe they do not see anything to be celebrating. At the time, I seen the “death” of my marriage, my family. I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother. I failed as a person. I did not want to celebrate anything.

Just like after my dad was killed, I was so tired of hearing people say “I’m sorry.”

However, how I have handled myself in both situations has really made a big difference. After my divorce, I was depressed and suicidal. I kept it a secret that I was still sleeping with my ex-husband. I felt cheap and worthless. I did not seek any help. I seriously did not believe I deserved any help. With my dad’s death, I allowed myself to cry in front of others. I allowed myself to hug and be comforted by a stranger. I found others living in a similar situation as myself. I used my blog to write out my feelings. I went to the doctor to get medication for my depression.