So This Happened…

Six years ago, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I filed for divorce. I was – at the time – truly in love with my ex. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to be with me. The next two years after the divorce, we were still together. I thought we were trying to work things out – no. I was being used for sex. The same time ex was telling me he loved me, he was going out with other woman. I hated myself. I felt cheap and dirty. I cried all the time. When I finally broke it off with ex I fell into a deep depression. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to provide closer to me about what went wrong. It was torture to see ex and girlfriend together. To me, it felt like she had won.

Even over the years, I have battled myself. Do I still love ex? Does he love me?

Some days I wonder if I love ex. I actually think I love the idea I had of my ex – you know the happy family. I think I love the idea of having someone to talk to and hang out with. I think I love the idea of being intimate with someone.

Yesterday, I was working. After work, I checked my phone. I had a text from ex. Our daughter had practice that night. He was on the road already. I decided to call – so he would not text and drive. I called him to remind him of practice. Didn’t know if he was going to meet us at practice? At my house afterwards? Did I have to drive her to girlfriend’s house?

Talked to ex a couple of minutes about the plans. Wrapping up the conversation. I told ex that I would talk to him later. He said “love ya.” I said “bye” and hanged up.

I guess I’d made a face when ex said that, because my daughter waited until I was off the phone and said “what happened?” I told her. She’s like he says that to girlfriend, her kids, and herself.

I know it is a habit for ex to say it. Honestly, I don’t know if he even realized what he said.

But years of wanting him to say those words to me. I didn’t like it yesterday. I didn’t feel any love – or any urge to say it back – for my ex.

If You Want Me To

Something odd. Since I’ve been taking medication for depression, I’ve had a different vibe with my ex-husband.

For example, he came to drop our daughter off the other day and he stayed and talked for almost thirty minutes. This has happened a couple of times. Each time, I find myself inching towards the door ready to end the conversation, but he continues to talk.

Another situation, our daughter has raised chickens for the past five years to show. I’ve always been the one raising the chickens at my house. I am tired of having chickens. I asked ex if he wanted to raise chickens this year. His response, “If you want me to.” I’m thinking “what the hell?” I told him that it did not matter either way, but I was done raising chickens. He said he would go ahead and raise them this year. The whole time I’m thinking “isn’t there someone you should be talking to?” I mean, he lives at girlfriend’s house. You would think he would say “let me discuss this with girlfriend.”

Maybe I’m overthinking it all – as usual. Maybe this is what co-parenting is supposed to be like. It’s just completely odd and not something I’m used to.

Time and Healing

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Everyone hears the saying: Time heals everything.

I know when I first got divorced, or right after dad’s death everyone told me “to give it time. You will heal over time.”

In the moment, you want to scream and cry. You want to call bullshit.

When I got divorced, I believed my world had completely crashed around me. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had regrets about divorcing my ex for YEARS!!

I fell into a deep depression. I was physically ill for a few months. I did not function. I finally hit rock bottom and downed all the pills I could find in my house.

I knew I needed help, but ironically there was no one there to help me. I was so scared to go to the doctor. My biggest fear was they would take away my daughter.

I want to say the saying is true. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago if I should have divorced my ex I would have said I’m not sure. Today, I know I made the right choice. I know a part of me still cares about him – not sure if it is because he is the father of my child; he was my first; I’d been with him for 15 years. Another part of me is so happy when I do not have to deal with him.

I know over time it will get easier. I’m hoping the same is true with my dad’s death.

The guy that killed my dad has a court date coming up soon. They are going to see if there is enough evidence to take him to trial for killing dad. Another fear of mine – dad and the entire family will not get justice.

I know there is no set time frame.

Just like with online dating, the first few times I got stood up or ghosted I was so hurt. Now, you ghost me and I block you. No second chances.

Time also makes you wiser. I have learned many life lessons throughout my life, especially over the past six years.

One lesson I learned from was about my depression. I did not want the same thing to happen again, so I talked to my doctor this time.

Online Dating Makes You Less Empathetic

Hope everyone survived Valentine’s Day. Mine was just another day. I gave my daughter a gift. I avoided social media for the most part – get so tired of seeing everyone post flowers, candy, gifts, rings. Had parent-teacher conferences, ex came, but my daughter has straight A’s. I’m so proud of her. She is absolutely amazing!

So, back to my original point – Online dating makes you less empathetic. Agree? Disagree?

With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, the news had a story about how to avoid scams with online dating. This one victim gave her suitor over $50,000. She said she was a caring person. She wanted to help.

I remember when I first joined the world of online dating. I wanted to be empathetic to everyone. I gave second chances when guys stood me up on dates. I was caring.

I was stupid.

Almost four years experience with online dating I have found myself to be less empathetic towards these guys.

For example, I had on message me that he was going through “a very, very sad time” because he just lost his girlfriend of three years. Now, if a friend was going through a sad time I would ask them to talk to me – lost because of a break-up? lost due to death?

This guy? Hell no. *BLOCK* Red flags screamed at me.

First scenario, let’s say the girlfriend died. That is a common scam. Usually the wife/girlfriend dies in a car wreck. Let’s pretend she really did die and it was not a scam. Hell, I’m still working through my dad’s death (car wreck ironically enough) why would I torture myself right now to try to “fix” a guy.

Second scenario, he lost her due to a break-up. No thanks! If you are not over your ex, I am not interested!! These guys are lonely and just want a warm body to jump into bed with. They don’t care about you, just them.

See, online dating makes you less empathetic. Almost have to take a break just to avoid becoming a cold-hearted bitch…

Loneliness

The other day my mom called me. She was watching the news and there was a car accident where I lived. So, she was calling to make sure it wasn’t me in the accident.

During our conversation, I could tell when her mood changed. It went from talking about good and pleasant things to depression and loneliness.

She asked me “how do you deal with the loneliness?”

Keep in mind that my mom married my dad when she was 16. She’d been with him for 35 years. This “loneliness” is a brand new life for her.

I remember dealing with the loneliness when I first stopped seeing my ex-husband. Days that he had our daughter, I spent hours staring at a wall. Sitting in the dark. Crying. Not functioning. Completely lost.

Everyone expected me to be fine. I was the one that filed for divorce. I should have been fine with the outcome. The loneliness.

I knew my mom wanted an answer. I did my best. I responded “You learn to live with the new normal.” Dad is never coming back. As hard as it is to think about, it is true. We can not go back into time and prevent his death.

That was the best I could describe it. I understand she is lonely. I understand she lost her soul mate. I never imaged that I would be the one having to comfort and give my mom knowledge about hard life lessons.

Now, I’m not going to lie… the loneliness is hard. But the truth is you adapt. You seriously do learn how to live in the new normal. You find things to keep your self busy. You find people to talk to. You enjoy your time with yourself.

The truth is, I’m not lonely anymore. I enjoy my me time. I would like to be in a relationship, but I’m not trying very hard to find one. I don’t mind being alone.

Dating Dilemma

I was thinking about this yesterday: my dating dilemma.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner you can’t go anywhere without being reminded of the holiday – there’s all the commercials, posts on social media, the stores are proudly displayed of gifts, candy, and subtle reminders.

I’ve never liked the holiday. I get the history of the holiday – liked learning about that – but I mean today it seems like it is a game to see who’s lover displays their love the best.

When I was married, it was ironic… Ex would bitch about my weight and then buy me a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

Okay, I digress.

It is hard to believe that in April will mark one year since I’ve been on a date. April will also mark one year since I’ve had sex.

Okay, Okay… I’ve gone longer than a year before. After I finished with ex, it was eighteen months before I had sex with the guy from online – those who’ve read my past posts will remember this is the guy I knew for less than two weeks and then he ghosted me. At the time, I was so angry with myself. How could I throw logic and common sense out the window?!? I went to a guy’s house that I did not know – and no one knew where I was. I had unprotected sex with him. I absolutely HATED myself for that stupid stunt!! Ironically, eighteen months later I found the serial dater – another guy I have written many posts about – and had sex with him. Even though I hate that I ignored the red flags with the serial dater, I did stay smart about the situation – someone had an idea of where I was, and we always used protection.

I’m actually tired of the dating apps. I spend more time blocking guys then I actually do chatting with anyone. There’s the one that I’ve been chatting with, but he’s gone silent too. I’m sure he will resurface. But, honestly, I don’t care either way. It’s nice to have someone to chat with about random things, but I’m definitely not going to chase him.

So, I know what you are thinking: if you’re tired of the online dating sites, then delete them. True, true. But I live in a small town. So, without the apps I really don’t see me ever going on a date again. ha-ha.

Some Updates

I’m still taking the medication for depression. Said people usually start to notice a difference after three weeks. Really, the only thing I notice is it makes me tired. I sleep a lot more. I am actually able to sleep. Some nights are still tough for me, but other nights are not as bad.

I haven’t really told anyone about my mental health. I’m not sure why. Don’t really think that I’m “ashamed.” I’m actually quite proud of myself for finally going to the doctor. I’m quite proud of myself for still trying each day.

Hopefully one of these days I will find my voice to tell others. Who knows, one of these days I may stop hiding behind the name “Stormie.” But, today is not that day.

I like the idea of writing a letter but never send it. I do plan on doing that, sometime.

I’ve been chatting with a guy for about a week. Conversation is good. It’s more than “hru?” But, it’s good – not great, but good. It’s nice to have someone to chat with though. I doubt we will ever meet up. He lives in the same state as I, but we’re still several hours apart. But it is nice to have the attention for now.

I remembered the days I had to force myself not to text ex. I missed the attention. I missed having someone to talk to. Honestly, I’m very content not messaging ex. Now, if it is about our daughter, I will text or call. Wish he would do the same…

It did kind of annoy me yesterday… It was in the afternoon, I still did not know if he was wanting to take our daughter to school or not. All of her school stuff was still at my house. I called him and he said she wasn’t “home” yet (meaning gf’s house) – She’d spent the night with a friend the night before. I bothered me that he referred to gf’s as my daughter’s “home.” Up until a week ago, she didn’t even have her own space!

True Friends and Secrets

I was talking with someone about true friends. The idea of having a true friend – someone you can turn to in your time of need; someone you can share all of your secrets with; someone that brings you comfort. The person said they didn’t have a true friend. I started thinking about my life. Honestly, when I was married I thought ex was a true friend. I don’t think I have a true friend either. I have friends. I have a close friend that I can typically call if I need help with my daughter. But, I haven’t told this friend about my anxiety and/or my depression. I’ve heard her thoughts on depression. She thinks it is a choice. People choose to be depressed. Right now, I honestly don’t have the mental strength to fight that battle and try to get her to see that it is not a choice. Actually, I haven’t told anyone – except my ex – about my depression diagnosis. Ex’s reaction was “I’m sorry.” I’ve thought about telling my mom. I have called but she talks about herself and then I pretty much say screw it, me telling her isn’t that important.

Thank You

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I have reached 100 followers on this blog. Thank you each of you for taking the time to like, follow, and comment on this blog and my posts.

I’d wanted to start a blog several years ago and I always talked myself out of it. I started this one last summer – 2018 – because I really needed somewhere to express myself without judgement.

As I started writing and continuing to have life experiences – i.e. online dating adventures – I seen an opportunity for others to learn from my mistakes. I know what it is like to feel lost and depressed. I also know what it is like to just want to be acknowledged by another person and that is not always the best frame of mind for online dating.

Over the past months I have had my highs and lows. My daughter is always a high point. Some lows include drama with ex-husband and the death of my dad.

I know dad’s death has seriously taken its’ toll on me – mentally and physically. I know I lost a lot of people in my life after that because death makes people nervous – and sad to say, stupid. People say stupid things. People say hurtful things. I know I still get the looks from people – you know, the look like I’m broken or some charity case. Look, everything I have been through during my life I’m not broken! I have been damaged, but I have not broke. Even though some days I wonder how much I can take before I do break.

I was thinking about that this morning, actually. My alarm went off at 3am. I wanted to say fuck it! I wanted to stay in bed. I am working all three jobs today. I want to fast forward through the day until I can crawl back into bed. Then tomorrow is another day that I start at 3 am and I am completely busy until about 8pm. I found myself wondering if anyone even gave a shit. Does anyone care I’m exhausted? Does anyone care that I want to disappear? My jobs don’t care. As long as I do my job and make them money. My family doesn’t care – we are all dealing with our grief and life. Like I said, people avoid me now – so friends don’t care. I’m not dating – but I am chatting with someone. Probably will chase him off before the weekend is over – haha. My daughter cares, but it is not her job to worry about me.

Party and Conversation with my Mom

I am now the parent of a teenager. That. is. insane!

Ex is still being a pain and not communicating with me. He went and bought a professionally made cake – didn’t tell me. A heads up would have been nice because I showed up with cake pops, chocolate covered strawberries, and chocolate covered pretzels – all homemade. The girls ate my stuff, very quickly. They picked at ex’s cake. It was a pretty cake, but it didn’t taste good.

My daughter had so much fun swimming with her friends. Three of them were unable to show up, but she still had fun with the ones that were able to attend. It is hard having a party between Christmas and New Years.

I barely got my car started yesterday. So, I had to go buy a new battery – was hoping it was a battery issue and not the starter. I bought the battery and almost cried – that was almost everything I had in my checking account.

At the party, ex had my daughter, since it was his day, so he brought her to the pool. The staff knew she was having a party because ex had a running tab for all of her friends’ tickets. I got there – I don’t swim because I’m not that great of a swimmer and besides I would rather watch my kid have fun then tag along. I was sitting there watching them and one of her friends asked if she could leave her stuff next to me, sure. A staff member comes up and was doing a head count. She asked if that was my child. I said no. I explained which one was mine, and said that is my daughter’s friend that’s here for her party. She said, “oh, that’s his daughter that’s having the party,” and pointed at ex. I said, “Yeah. We’re divorced. Hence she is my daughter, too.” She was shocked. She said, “Oh. Well I won’t go there.” I’m thinking, yeah you probably shouldn’t.

Then, I called mom. We talk a lot these days. I want to be a good daughter. I know that’s what dad would have wanted. But, it’s hard. She is already ready to move on. Then compares our situations – saying that divorced people don’t want relationships. What?!? Are you kidding! I would love a fairy tale relationship and marriage like my parents had. Then, she asked if I would be the secondary on the legal stuff – I said sure. She asked how much I had left to pay off my piece of crap car. She said she wanted to give me the money to pay off the car and take me to buy a new car – expected me to buy a car this weekend (please! I barely had the money to buy a battery. Where the hell am I going to get a down payment and sales tax money from?!?). Then, told me things that dad “said” – honestly, I don’t know if dad said these things or if they are things that she wanted to discuss and now she can use him as the escape goat. But insulted my car, my house, my furniture, my job, my ex, my life. Oh, then hinted around about religion. I know what she was doing. She said dad asked her if I’d turned Atheist. She was expecting me to answer back. I didn’t respond. I’m not Atheist. I know my answer would not be an answer she would want to hear – because I’m not Christian. I don’t want to hear her preach or bitch at me. And, frankly, it is none of her business which religion I am.