One Thing After Another

I hate always being so negative, but life is really fucking me over. I try to enjoy time with my daughter. I try to enjoy my jobs. I try to enjoy life. But, it’s like anytime any bit of happiness comes, life is there to push me back down.

So, yesterday I messaged ex asking him if he was getting our daughter at 6pm or 7pm. I know my ex, if I ask what time and did not give him choices then he would not give me an answer and then I would have to be on call and just waiting for him. He said 6pm. Okay, fine.

My daughter and I went into town. I was visiting a friend for a little bit. My phone was on 1%. Ex messages me wanting our daughter at 5pm instead of 6pm so he could run on the trail and she could ride her bike. Fine. I’m not the type to keep her from him, as long as he keeps her safe. Then my mom calls. I had planned to ask her if I could just call her back, but she was crying. So, I get the charger from my car and hooked my phone up to a computer so I could stay on the phone with mom. She wants to give me dad’s chair. She can’t handle having it around anymore – Yes, I would LOVE to have his chair!! Then she wants to give me their sofa. Okay, don’t know where the hell I’m going to put it, but okay. She asks if ex could come down with his truck. When ex comes to pick up our daughter, I ask him. He throws a fit and asks how soon that has to be done. Then asks why can’t one of my siblings keep the furniture. Forget it!! I will find someone else to help haul the furniture! I hate my ex-husband.

So, ex and my daughter leave.

I wave to my friend because I’m still on the phone with mom. I drive home. I get home and I’m sitting in the car so my phone can charge enough to keep the phone call going. Then I get another call. I look at the screen and see it’s my ex’s number. Okay, that it really weird for him to be calling me! I tell mom I will have to call her back in a minute.

I call ex and it goes to voicemail. I am really worried now.

I call again, and this time the call is answered. I was expecting to hear ex’s voice. No. It’s my daughter, crying.

She is by herself next to ex’s truck. The truck is locked. It is dark. And she doesn’t know where he is.

WHAT?!?

I ask her how long has she been there? Why does she have his phone? Where’s his keys?

I ask her if she wants me to drive into town to be with her. It would take about 15 minutes for me to get to where she was. She said she didn’t know. So, I told her I would stay on the phone with her until ex shows up.

Talk about one pissed off momma.

That will be discussed with ex, next time I see him…

So, I call mom back. She tells me about different things that is making it difficult. I get it. Yes, I am divorced, but I completely understand! She said she yells at dad’s chair because he left us. He was selfish for dying.

I don’t believe that. Dad would not have left us. He was not given the choice. And I know even if he’d survived the wreck, he would not be himself. There would be so much damage to his body and his mind that he would not be himself. He would not be happy. Yes, I hate that he was killed, but I have NEVER blamed HIM for dying.

Then, the kicker, she said that it was different for me because I’m divorced and she was in a happy marriage. She misses that connection, that relationship with someone. I held back tears and anger. I miss that too! I have been divorced for over five years! I want a relationship. I want that happy marriage. Why don’t I deserve it?!? Then she talked about how her and dad had discussed this. Dad always told her that he wanted to go first, so mom could move on and find someone else. I broke down and started crying. I couldn’t fight back the hurt and tears anymore.

I’m just so hurt. Mom is quickly erasing dad. She is moving on. Ex is in a relationship and has all this money to burn. Found out middle child is now on full disability and will be getting a check to make up all of the back pay from the past six years! And here I am, struggling, single, alone, depressed. I work my ass off and have nothing to show for it. I am on those stupid dating sites almost daily and no one worth my time. I was faithful to my ex. I am trying to be supportive and be a good daughter – because I know that is what dad would want from me – for my mom. And, I am getting nowhere. I am falling back into depression, debt, loneliness.

I want 2019 to be my year. I want to find true love. I want to stop struggling with money. I want to stop having issues with my house and my car. Am I being selfish? Am I asking for too much? Is karma still punishing me for something?

I will end on a positive note. Thirteen years ago something amazing happened… I became a mom. I am now the parent of a teenager. She is amazing! She is smart, funny, kindhearted, gorgeous – inside and out.

 

 

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The “Idea” vs. the Reality

I struggle – go back and forth – some days, was my divorce the right choice. I mean, I know I am in love with the idea of being married – especially to the father of my child. I made myself overlook all of the negative during my marriage. But, now I’m single and struggle with money. Ex is engaged, living with her, playing house husband and father, plenty of money.

It is almost annoying.

Why can’t he be this amazing father to our child?

Why was it when we were married, he worked all of the time. He would volunteer for overtime. He would volunteer to go on deployments. Now, he takes vacations all of the time.

Yes, the change of jobs probably plays a key role. I know he makes a lot more now. So, he is not having to work as hard to make more money.

When we were married he never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Now, he is always going somewhere, doing something, planning some trip – regardless if girlfriend goes or not.

Yesterday, my daughter called him. He said this weekend they – including my daughter – were driving three hours away to buy a game from someone he found online. WHAT? He has even money and motivation to do a six hour, plus, road trip for a used video game?

I just don’t understand what was/is so wrong with me that I am still single.

I’m not even talking about not having sex or anything, because in reality if I really wanted I could find it. But I don’t want to have a one-night-stand. I don’t want to be used. I want a relationship.

I know I should stop comparing my life to ex’s. I know I should stop comparing myself to girlfriend. I can’t. I continue to find myself wondering: what is wrong with me? why is she so amazing and I’m not? why did he not love me? what if he was with me now, would we have a better relationship than during our marriage?

A First for Me

I don’t like playing the damsel in distress role, but when it comes to my car I get stuck playing that role often. The past few days I’ve had a feeling about my car. I checked my tires each time – no visible damage and couldn’t hear any air leaks. But, it happened. I was driving and my rear tire completely deflated. I was next to a friend’s house, so instead of being on the shoulder of the road – and risk getting hit by a car – I pulled into her driveway. Of course ex did not answer my call. I do have roadside assistance with my insurance. It’s like really, I’ve seen a flat changed millions of times – I’ve never done it myself – but guess I can at least try. If I mess up then I’ll call roadside assistance. I did it. I changed the flat. Got to town to buy a new tire. They asked if I wanted to replace the other rear tire – uh, no. They said the rear tires were the wrong size for my car. Seriously?!? I come here every time. This is your screw up. Ended up getting a descent discount for the tire.

I felt pretty proud of myself being able to change the tire – don’t want to do it again anytime soon, though!!

 

Unsent Text and My Microwave

I’ve noticed I’m more paranoid – guess is the best word for it – now since my dad’s death. My daughter is with ex for a few days, and I find myself worrying if I don’t get a goodnight text from her – worrying something bad happened to her. Wanting to make sure that I definitely give her a hug and say I love you before we leave – whether it’s to go to school/work, to bed for the night, or if she’s going to ex’s.

When I bought my house, five years ago, I was still legally married but had filled for divorce. I had to buy stuff for my house, including a microwave. Let me tell you, that microwave has definitely been used over the years. Especially after my dad’s death – if we couldn’t eat it cold or cook it in the microwave then we didn’t eat it. I knew the bottom of it was getting bad, guess I didn’t realize how bad. Went to use my microwave and it started sparking. Fun. So, now I’m trying to decide do I go and buy a new microwave or just hold off for a bit. I mean, technically everything can be cooked or heated up using the stove/oven.

I watched the movie The Nun. Not a bad movie. I wouldn’t buy it or anything, but it was entertaining for what it is. After I finished watching it, I nearly sent my dad a text to talk to him about the movie. My heart sank. Never getting to chat about movies or music with my dad again is slowly starting to feel more real. Even though I don’t want it to be real. I get this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and my chest feels tight when I think about it. I cried myself to sleep last night. I still feel guilty that the last time I saw my dad I did not give him a hug, tell him I love you, or even say goodbye.

Torture

Past couple of days have been torture. I still cry when I think about what happened. I still cry when I see his pictures. I still cry when I think about everything he is going to miss in my life and my daughter’s life. But it’s like I am torturing myself now. I am thinking about things that I can not change. I am wishing I’d called more, texted more, visited more. Remember the series Quantum Leap? I’m wishing life was like that and Sam would leap into our life and keep my dad here. My mom posted something about she wished they’d took a sick day that day then dad would still be here. We all are torturing ourselves right now, I guess. Then I think, maybe things happened exactly how they were supposed to. If my dad hadn’t been the car that man hit, then he would have hit the car that rear-ended dad. So, the man would have killed someone else. He would have destroyed another family. Maybe that person just had a baby or recently married. So, maybe dad saved another person. Saved another family. My family are fighters. We are ready for the fight it is going to take to put this guy away. There are going to be multiple lawsuits dealing with insurance and money. Plus, there are going to two separate criminal charges. This fight is going to take up to three years. I know my family is ready for this heartbreaking challenge.

I found a necklace that I ordered for myself. My daughter told ex about a necklace that she wanted. Ex asked her if it was a gift for me. She said no. Ex told her that in that case it could wait. He said he would “maybe get it. Sometime. lol” That is not funny! How dare he behave like that! He apparently never even asked my daughter how she was during the entire time she was over there. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. He is a “good dad” to girlfriend’s kids. My daughter pays the price. She had to go to their basketball games all weekend, and she got none of her homework done. How can this be okay?

So, I bought her the necklace. I helped her with her homework.

Ex is fucking up. I am tired of cleaning up his mess with our daughter.

Yesterday was my daughter’s band concert. Ex asked her if she was singing at the Christmas concert. – I don’t know if he thought she was in choir, or if he was trying to be funny. But it really annoyed my daughter.

The concert was hard. I’d invited my parents to come a few weeks ago. They were planning on coming. No one planned on dad being gone. I sat alone. Surrounded by all these couples and families. I fought back tears. Ex brought girlfriend and her kids. I fought back anger. Girlfriend texted my daughter during the concert. WHAT THE HELL? Why is she now trying to be friends with my daughter. Why didn’t she make an offer four years ago when ex was screwing both of us?!?

After the concert, we went out to eat. Of course, they were there too. Luckily, I didn’t have to look at them.

Parenting After the Divorce

I stayed in my marriage for so long, not because I was happy – actually, I was happy when ex was deployed or at work. We fought like cats and dogs during our marriage. – I stayed because of my daughter. I was afraid ex would take her from me. I did not want to raise her in a broken home. And, the scariest thought, I did not want ex to find another woman to replace me as my daughter’s mom.

I know my daughter is more responsible and independent because she has been raised in a divorced situation since she was seven years old. She has had to grow up, way too fast, because she would live between multiple houses. I know that is really hard on her, but I also know there is nothing I can do about that.

I stayed with ex for two years after my divorce. When I found out about girlfriend and them being intimate, I bowed out. I did not want to be a booty call, or have sloppy seconds. I did not want to continue to allow ex to use me for sex. It killed me. I fell into a deep depression. I know it impacted my ability to parent at times. I remember, my daughter not wanting to come with me one occasion. Guys, that is a feeling I never want to feel again. The thought of my child not loving me or not wanting to be with me.

Now, I know I am a great mom. I know my daughter loves me and knows she can depend on me.

I read an article last night about someone growing up and remembering their parents were always in the stands at everyone of their games and activities. And that is how I am with my daughter. I work crazy hours. I have a ton of gray hair from the stress. I have dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep. I worry about bills and money. I still fight with ex. BUT, I am there for my daughter. I am in the stands. I am cheering her on. I am supporting her. I am taking pictures.

Last night, ex came early to get her. He didn’t even bother telling me what time he was coming over. I only knew when to expect him because he texted our daughter. He really needs to grow a pair and communicate with his ex-wife. That’s why I occasionally lash out at him, because I let all of his stupidity and his annoying behaviors slowly build up until I can’t take anymore. Anyway, since he came early, my daughter and I did not have enough time to work on her homework. So, I told her to text me if she had any questions. I stayed up until almost 10pm waiting for a text from her. (I know that doesn’t sound late, but when you have to be at work at 3am, it is late.) I gave up and went to bed. I woke up with several texts from her asking for help with her math. Okay, I’m usually really good and quick with math. These problems were graphing linear equations from word problems. NOOOO! I hate word problems! So, I watch a couple of videos to refresh my memory on what the hell needs to be done to solve and I try to quickly sketch out the information to snap a picture and send to her.

It is not the parenting I dreamed of growing up. When ex and I got together, we talked about have 2-3 kids. I didn’t dream of having 1 child and having to help her with homework through texts, at her dad’s girlfriend’s house.

Sleeping in an Empty Bed

Growing up, my youngest sibling was born when I was fourteen. Everyone thought the baby was mine. So, for a few years I did share a bed with my youngest sibling. When I went to college, I got accustomed to sharing a room with a stranger. When I moved in with ex, we had a two bedroom apartment. Of course, we shared a bed though. Ex worked nights, so I adjusted the best I could to staying up at night and sleeping during the day. Over the years, he switched to day shift so I also adjusted.

What is funny is… I’m an insanely light sleeper. Any little noise or movement wakes me up. Sharing a bed with ex was rough because he was a sound sleeper. Then, yesterday I seen a post from a woman asking if anyone’s husbands make sex noises in their sleep, and sound she be worried. Hmm, ex would make sex noises. He would make sexual movements. Hell, he would mount me in the middle of the night – still asleep. There were times I would take sleeping pills to try to get a full night’s sleep, and he would still wake me up for sex. He would cuss me out in his sleep. I remember getting elbowed to the face a couple of times.

Sharing a bed wasn’t fun.

Fast forward to being divorced and finished with ex. It took some adjusting to sleeping in a bed and a room alone. I did sleep – no sex, just actually sleep – with someone three years ago. I couldn’t really sleep the entire weekend. I found myself forcing myself to stay awake until he fell asleep. I also woke up before he did.

So, as much as I talk about wanting a relationship. I find myself wondering if I really do. I mean, going back to sharing a bed. Not sleeping well. What if the new guy is like ex?

Hate

So, yesterday left me with this feeling of hate. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate my ex. I hate his girlfriend. I hate raising a child in a broken home. I hate being broke. I hate being alone. I hate it all.

My daughter loves to go swimming. She decided she did want to go with ex and girlfriend to their “family get together.”

I cried.

I lost. I tried to be this fun parent, but how can I compete?

I know my kid loves to go swimming. I can’t swim. So, taking her to the pool is a horrible experience. I’m stuck sitting by the side of the pool, or wading in water that I can actually touch the ground. I’m too fat to do any slides or inner tubes.

I hate giving up my time with my daughter. But, it is not in my personality or character to be the type of ex-wife that keeps her children from their dad.

But, come on, one hour. I can swallow my pride, my hurt, my loneliness, all of my emotions and let my daughter go swimming for one hour.

Things never work like that with ex. One hour turns into two.

About the time he is supposed to bring her home, I get a text from him asking to keep her an additional hour so she can swim longer.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

Guys, I hate myself for what I did after that…

I let her swim for another hour. BUT I TEXTED EX MY FEELINGS!! WTF was I thinking?!?!

He sent me a text saying thank for. I said I didn’t do it for him. I did it because our daughter loves to go swimming. I was angry that he asked for my daughter for “family time” and took my only family on my day! I was angry that he tells my daughter that I yell at him. I hate that I still care about a man that doesn’t give a shit about me.

What?!?!

Did I text that?

Did I hit send?

Really?!?! WTH, Stormie? Why would you do something so bloody stupid?!?!

He responses that I do yell at him and if I had a problem with our daughter swimming then I shouldn’t have let her go.

ARRRGGHHHHHHH.

I HATE MY EX-HUSBAND!!

Then, found out a event I was pricing tickets for to take my daughter and me to, ex beat me to it. He bought all of them tickets. Really?!?

 

 

Lost My Cool with Ex

I messaged my ex this morning to find out what time he was bringing my daughter home.  No response. About twenty minutes later I try calling him. He would not answer. About forty minutes after my text, he texts me and says it’ll be about an hour. I decide to go to the store. It’s been almost two months since I’ve actually been shopping. We were extremely low on food.

I hate spending money. Everything is so expensive. Then the store only has two cashiers available. I spent more time standing in line then actually shopping. It is finally my turn and some random stranger comes up and starts grabbing items out of my cart. WTH? I get this person was trying to be kind, BUT don’t touch my stuff. Don’t invade my space.

Really put me in a bad mood by the time I get out of the store; I’m already annoyed. Then my daughter calls me. Not five minutes later ex calls me. I tell both of I am heading home now. They are both calling to figure out where I am, because for once I’m the one that is late for drop off/pick up.

I get home, and ex is sitting in my driveway with girlfriend and her kids and my daughter. I’m still annoyed. I get out of the car and start grabbing bags. My ex approaches and is just standing there.

I knew something was up.

****

me: What, dude?

ex: Can I have her back at 5pm?

me: Uh, why?

ex: Because we are going swimming.

me: Who the hell is “we?”

ex: Girlfriend’s family got a hotel, and we’re having a family get together.

****

Okay, by this time I am really annoyed! Why do I have to give up my time for girlfriend’s family?!?

I chew ex out for waiting until the last minute to talk to me about this plan. Of course my daughter wants to go swimming. But I am the time that has to plan. I have to be in control of my day.

I’ve always hated the “fly by the seat of your pants” characteristic of my ex. I would fool myself and think that it was wonderful because we were complete opposites. Maybe like ying-yang. I tried to make it a positive. It’s not. It’s a negative. He is worse now because girlfriend is the exact same way.

I told ex it was low putting me in that position of being the bad guy if I don’t let my kid go swimming. It is shitty of him to ask for me to give up my time with her for him to take her to be with girlfriend’s family.

Fine, whatever.

I’m so mad that he didn’t even ask if I had plans. Just automatically wanted to come get her, without offering me additional time.

My kid decided she didn’t want to go because they would only swim for maybe an hour, not worth it. So, ex was mad at my daughter for changing her mind because he got “yelled at” for no reason.

I did not yell or scream. I did speak harshly, but never yelled.

Got to hear about my daughter’s time at their house… apparently they got more dogs and they are not housebroken. Plus, the Christmas tree fell over. My daughter had to pick it all up. I asked where was everyone else? Ex was at the store buying girlfriend a new Christmas tree – aww, how thoughtful. I’ve been asking him since September to come and look at my heat in my house. I can’t even get that from him!! Girlfriend and her kids were sitting on the couch. Are you kidding me?!?

Am I being unreasonable?

He wants me to give up my time so she can be treated like Cinderella?

Text From Ex’s Girlfriend

Yesterday morning, ex’s girlfriend sends a text to my daughter.

Now, keep in mind this woman has been around my child for the past four years. She refused to put a picture of my daughter in her office with ex and her children. She doesn’t buy my daughter anything when she buys her kids something; whereas, ex always buys her kids something. My daughter sent her a friend request, which girlfriend still has not accepted.

Get the picture?

So, she sends my daughter a text, which means ex gave another person my daughter’s phone number without her permission. That did annoy my daughter. She read the text to me. Girlfriend asked for my daughter’s opinion for the best Christmas movie to watch while they put up the Christmas tree.

My daughter loves Christmas. She would watch Christmas movies everyday and keep a tree up all year, if I let her.

A part of me was glad girlfriend was FINALLY including my daughter. Low doing it by text when she was with me. The texting better not become a problem. I mean really, the question could have waited until ex picked my daughter up.

Not to mention, the damage is done. My daughter is a smart kid. She rolled her eyes when she read the text and asked why is girlfriend being nice now. Excellent question!! What is she up to? She trying to become “mom?” She stepping into that step-mother role?

I also have girlfriend’s number. A small part of me wanted to text girlfriend and say thank you for including my child. Another part wanted to go into mamma shark mode, and text her to ask why is she texting my kid?

So, guess I will try to take the high road and do what is best for my kid. Be supportive.

***

Alright, I must repel guys. I’m very convinced that I really do. Finally had one message me. We exchanged a few messages and then silence. Boy, I’m not going to message you.

Same with another one. We had a great conversation going until he asked what happened with my last relationship – which would have been the serial cheater. I responded. He read my message and then silence.

So, apparently guys find me attractive. It’s my personality or my past that runs them off… hmmm…