Vacation Trip

My mom contacted me. Told me she was taking my one brother one vacation with her. They were going on a week long vacation. She then took me by surprise and asked if my daughter and I would like to go. Of course a million of questions hit me at once. Before I could ask too many questions, she started giving a little more information. I would have to drive ourselves, because she is driving both of my brothers and nephew. Apparently, she is paying for them. So, we would have to pay for ourselves.

The time frame does not work because my daughter has events/activities/camps. Plus, taking a week off from work – yikes! I told her I couldn’t. The time is not good and I didn’t have the money. BIG MISTAKE. Then she starts trying to guilt me. “Don’t you have extra money set aside. This is what I do….” “Aren’t you going to get a refund from taxes? You come use that.” “I just want all of us to be together.”

Would I love to go on a vacation? Yes!

So, got me to thinking. Maybe, my daughter and I could take a mini-vacation. I got to looking at ideas. I found something cool that I might be able to afford. I could make a day trip of it, but I could also book a hotel and us stay overnight to make it a little longer. So, now it is a matter of seeing how much it would cost and if I will have the money.

If I did not have to make car payments, money would not be so tight. These car payments are killing me. I can’t attempt to refinance for another 18 months (I know, because I’ve talked to the bank. They couldn’t give me a better deal. Told me to try again in 18 months).

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Life in 2020

Well, 2019 ended roughly. I did not get to see my daughter at all on her birthday. It hurt, but I survived. She was tired of going back and forth from the holidays. So, I did what was best for her – not to have to travel back and front back-to-back days.

2020 has been interesting. First, I’m now working a combination of four – yes, four – part-time jobs. I have an interview for another one coming up. I have lost 10lbs. Oh, and my mom has a boyfriend. Don’t know if I am “okay” with it, but it is not my choice.  I don’t know anything about him. I’m still single.

Selfish or Not?

I am not a selfish type of person. I put others in front of myself all the time. I bend over backwards to accommodate ex’s schedule. I drive hours to visit family. I fill in on short notice to help a friend at work.

Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday. I have not been there since April. I wanted to go with my daughter. So that is what I did. We went there and looked at dad’s grave decorations. We added our own Christmas decorations. We took pictures. We had fun. We spent over thirty minutes there. Then I headed to my parents’ house. Mom was at church. So, we sat outside and played with the dog. We waited outside for maybe twenty minutes – no big deal. We were entertained and having fun. Mom gets to her house and is annoyed that I didn’t text or call her so she could have left church early. I told her it was no big deal. We were just playing with the dog and looking at the pictures we’d took of the cemetery.

Oops. Shouldn’t have said that. She gets mad immediately. She asked why I went to the cemetery. Why couldn’t everyone go together.

First off, I wanted to go with my daughter. Just us. Everyone else lives in the same town, so they can go visit the cemetery anytime they want. I don’t get that opportunity. I wanted it to be us. Secondly, it was never stated that the entire family would go to the cemetery. I know better than to assume anything without it being stated and confirmed. Third, I did say I wanted to go to the cemetery. She never said “okay” or “we’ll all go together.”

So, selfish or not… I DON’T CARE. I did what I wanted for once without concern of others.

One Year

I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was difficult for me. I am still angry at myself for letting stupid family drama prevent me from saying ‘goodbye’ to my dad. I know dad forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.

November 30 was one year. Can not believe it has been a year. It still feels like yesterday calling my mom and her saying “dad didn’t make it.” I worked about 16 hours that day. So, I really kept myself distracted. I did cry, but I kept myself together while around others.

There was a pretrial. A deal was made. He agreed to plead guilty to all accounts for 10 years – three years being suspended. So, there will be no jury trial. He will go in front of the judge and see what the judge decides.

I got the new job. I haven’t got to start yet. Let’s hope I get to start soon. I really hope it was the right choice. I have been with the one company for three years, but the new company offers better pay and more benefits for doing pretty much the same thing. It’s just being the new kid takes a while to get assigned for things.

Hmm… nothing new with ex. He is choosing girlfriend’s kids over our daughter. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do.

Dating. Ha. I can’t find anyone worth the time of getting to know. Really hoping one day the right guy walks into my life. But at this rate, the poor bastard must be lost and refusing to ask for directions.

My daughter is doing amazing in school. Last year, she struggled with band. She cried and wanted to quit on a daily basis. I told her EVERYONE hates beginning band – its boring because you are learning notes, chords, and faking it until you make it. It is hell listening to the squeaks and awful noises. It is torture on your body because you are using muscles you’ve never used before. I told her to give it another year. I told her at the beginning of this year after this year if she still wants to quit band then she could. She is halfway through the school year. She LOVES band. She makes 100% on assignments.

First Thanksgiving Without Dad

Yesterday, was a challenging day for several reasons.

It was the first Thanksgiving without dad. It was a year since I’ve seen my dad alive. Regrets and memories from last year started first thing yesterday morning. Hating myself for leaving without saying goodbye last year. I never imagined that would be the last time I would ever see him.

It definitely wasn’t the same without him there. Typically, dinner is us sitting around the table eating, telling stories, and laughing. Besides some conversation with my brother and of course with my daughter, there was no talking. Besides taking snapchat filtered pictures with my daughter, there was no laughing. It was horrible.

I did not get to go to his grave because the weather was horrible. I wouldn’t have been able to get to his grave. I’m hoping Christmas has nice weather. I would like to sit at his grave for a little while.

Driving in the bad weather made my anxiety so bad. I was shaking. I feared wrecking my car.

I did have a wonderful time with my daughter. Too bad she’s with ex for a few days now.

Hackers and Spam

I am so fucking tired of hackers. I have been dealing with them for about six months now. I have ran scans on my phone and computer, and both come up clean. Then I still have accounts getting hacked. WTF!!

Well, apparently my Facebook account has been tagging people in spam. My daughter asked me about it here a while back. I thought maybe it was an isolated situation. No one else mentioned it. Plus, I couldn’t see it on my account.

Fast forward to last night about 9pm. My mom calls me. I answered. It was odd for her to be calling that late. She starts accusing me of sending spam. Asking why would I tag dad in that. WHAT?!? That is the coldest, most insensitive thing, why would “I” do that?!? She continues telling me that she reported me when I tagged dad. She removed herself from the tag. A few weeks ago, apparently, another one of our mutual friends had asked mom if she thought I would be offended if this mutual friend untagged herself from the post.

I was so mad and hurt!

Mad that people thought I was doing that. That doesn’t even sound like me. Mad that apparently this shit has been going on for weeks and no one said a fucking word to me about it!

Hurt that people that I was doing that. Hurt that people don’t know me better. Hurt that people would rather untag themselves instead of talk to me.

Oh, and I get to spend a week in fb jail.

 

Feel Like I Am Drowning

It has been extremely difficult here lately. I can’t afford to refill my antidepressants right now. So, I have quit them cold turkey. I feel like shit, honestly. I am fighting several negative thoughts. I have zero energy. My anxiety is sky high. It’s pretty much lead to me being physically ill.

Work has been slow. My paycheck has suffered, which does not help with my mental state right now.

I had to get a new car a couple of months ago. I am drowning in bills. I paid sales tax on the car. I got hit with $600 more than I was expecting.

The guy that killed dad was offered a deal of 15 years. He did not accept the deal. We are waiting for jury trial now. It was supposed to be earlier this month. Well, shit happens. It got postponed AGAIN! Then his POS lawyer told mom’s lawyer that they were making a counter-offer of 10K and 15 years of jail time. Ten of those years are to be postponed. He would only serve five years and be up for parole in three years. Luckily, my mom told them to take their offer and shove it up their ass. So, NOW the jury trial is not scheduled until December. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? November will be a year!! What the hell is wrong with our justice system?!? Let’s hope he will stay in jail until the court date. I’m hoping no bail bondsmen will touch him. We were able to get all previous bails rejected. So, the bondsmen (there have been two thus far) lost their money. Hoping that will make all others refuse him.

Dating… Ha! One of my dating accounts got hacked. I created a new account. I can’t even find anyone that I want to hold a conversation with!!

I just want to scream, cry, and vent. But there’s no one to vent to.

Backing Out of Plans

The other day my mom called and invited my daughter and me to meet up for lunch. I declined. She already had my brothers with her and they were on the road, which means the three of them would have been waiting for us for at least an hour or so – since we live farther away.

My daughter asked why didn’t we go.

Well, because I have anxiety and depression. I had a million “what ifs” run through my mind as soon as mom invited us. I also had NO motivation to go. I didn’t want to be in public.

I told my daughter if she’d gave us more of a heads up we would have went, but spur of the moment stuff like that doesn’t work for me. I can’t do it. I’m sorry.

I’m still taking my antidepressants. However, I’m finding myself having more challenging days here lately. Not sure if it’s because of everything coming up – court date; my first birthday without my dad; the one year mark of my dad’s death. Or maybe I’m needing a higher dose of medication. I’m on the highest dose of this type already.

I just want to sleep, but I struggle to sleep. I feel drained of all energy. It takes very long pep talks to myself to get motivated to do things. Things like work or taking care of my kid are easier to find motivation for – really I don’t find myself struggling with the important stuff. I get ready and take her wherever she needs to go. I help her with homework. I make my paycheck. I’m talking about housework or being social (meeting my family for lunch the other day, for example).

Nine Months

Today, nine months ago, the unthinkable happened…

I still cry thinking about it. I am slowly getting better. I love talking about my dad. I miss him very much. I still find myself questioning “why him?”

I am still angry at myself for being so petty and letting family drama prevent me from telling my dad “I love you” and giving him a hug the last day I seen him alive. I took life for granted and assumed I would have another chance to see him on Christmas. November 30, 2018 was definitely a soul shattering day.

I think my biggest struggle is I don’t have anyone to just listen to me. Death makes people so nervous that they avoid the topic. I can’t talk about it with my daughter – that would not be fair to her. She is coping very well with everything. I can’t talk to my mom about it because she cries and then I have to get her calmed down.

I don’t want advice. I don’t want people to say “I’m sorry.” I just want someone to listen to me. I want someone to be there while I spill out all the emotions and tears that I keep hiding from the world.

The guy’s, who killed dad, criminal case is coming up. Originally, I thought I wanted to be there. As the date approaches, I don’t think I can do it. I can not sit in a court room and listen to the explicit details of my dad’s death and keep myself composed.

A quick update about my brother: He is still in ICU. They are ruling it as an accidental overdose. They are still running tests. They think he might have had a stroke.

 

Overdose

So, life has had its ups and downs since my last post.

Tomorrow will be nine months since my dad was killed. It still doesn’t seem real. I still have dreams about my dad. In my dreams, he is alive. I wake up feeling so disappointed when I realize he is gone. That I will never get to see him or speak with him again.

My mom tells me about guys that ask her out on dates. She talks about one guy that she is interested in. I keep my feelings to myself. I get she is lonely. BUT it has only been nine months.

My brother overdosed yesterday. Mom found him and called 911. Currently, he is in ICU. If she had been 20-30 minutes later finding him, he would be dead now. It took six doses of Narcan to bring him around enough for him to be able to talk. I really don’t know anything else.

My ex went to a different state for a deployment last week. He did not tell me that he was getting deployed! He claims he told me. I’m sorry, but that is something I WOULD remember!! I told him that he did not tell me about this deployment. HOWEVER, he told me about a deployment for next year. So, we were texting back and forth about this. THEN he sends me a text that he was never going on the deployment next year. That he was just telling me about that deployment because the other guys at his base are going on it. Why would I care about the rest of his base?!? Well, the other night, he called our daughter. She got tired of holding her phone so she put it on speaker and laid it down. She asked him when he was getting back from this deployment. Then she asked him when he was going on that deployment next year – the one he told me he was never going on – he gave her dates and a time frame!!

Dating has been a joke. I have tried talking to a few guys. Local guys just want sex. I don’t want to just be used for sex. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP. So, I guess I will continue to wait around.