A Mailbox is more Important than my Dad?!?

Our legal system is so fucked up.

The guy that killed dad is still causing chaos. His most recent act was totaling another truck. He fled the scene. Hid from the cops. When confronted by the police, he lied – said his truck was stolen.

They finally arrested him and took him in front of a judge. Bail was set for $150k. All other bails were revoked – so, he would have to pay all of them again before he could get out.

Less than two days, he had ALL of the money, in cash of course. However, bail was denied because they found out during the most recent wreck he hit a mailbox.

Now he is being held for federal charges.

I’m sorry, but WHAT THE HELL?!? He KILLED my dad and got back on the streets the next day! He hits a mailbox and can’t get out now.

The more I think about it the sicker I feel. I think about it and feel like the breath has been knocked out of me. I fight back the urge to vomit. I choke back the sting of tears. I try to keep my anxiety in check.

I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m lost. I’m alone.

Death and Divorce

I have realized something, death and divorce are so similar. They both make people so nervous and unsure of how to react and respond to someone going through the situation. The person living in the situation is so lost and confused.

Now, I know there are some people that want divorce.

I filed for my divorce – honestly only because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have ever been filed. I’m not joking. I ran back to ex. I tried to convince him to give “us” another chance. I slipped into a major depression so deep that I truly believed suicide was my only way out.

I hear a lot of people saying “congratulations” to someone who recently got divorced. This reminds me of the whole situation of saying “I’m sorry” to someone at a funeral. We really don’t know what else to say.

Even if the person wanted the divorce, maybe they do not see anything to be celebrating. At the time, I seen the “death” of my marriage, my family. I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother. I failed as a person. I did not want to celebrate anything.

Just like after my dad was killed, I was so tired of hearing people say “I’m sorry.”

However, how I have handled myself in both situations has really made a big difference. After my divorce, I was depressed and suicidal. I kept it a secret that I was still sleeping with my ex-husband. I felt cheap and worthless. I did not seek any help. I seriously did not believe I deserved any help. With my dad’s death, I allowed myself to cry in front of others. I allowed myself to hug and be comforted by a stranger. I found others living in a similar situation as myself. I used my blog to write out my feelings. I went to the doctor to get medication for my depression.

 

Getting Through this Weekend

Father’s Day is tomorrow. The first Father’s Day without my dad. I am planning on making him a flower arrangement for his grave. I can’t find any flowers that I like though…

But, my anxiety is high this weekend because of tomorrow. I feel like if I think about it I may lose it. I am trying to keep my mind busy. So, I am trying to find ideas for a room makeover for my daughter’s bedroom. I bought our house during my divorce. She was seven. Her favorite color was pink. She wore pink EVERYTHING. Her bedroom got painted pink – glittery pink. At the time, she LOVED it!! Now, she is 13. She HATES the color pink.

So I am thinking about doing a makeover next month while she is at summer camp. I am thinking about doing this idea with the geometric shapes (except the colors would be white, navy blue, silver).

Image result for blue, silver, and white geometric shapes for bedroom

Then to help brighten the room, I was thinking about adding some mirrors:

Image result for mirror decor ideas

Maybe adding some decals:

Image result for bedroom decals for teen girls

(probably would find more tumbling and dance related. Even though she wants to do gymnastics, we do not have a gym here that offers gymnastics.)

Maybe some butterflies:

Image result for 3D butterfly stickers for bedroom

Then some string lights for her pictures:

20 Led Photo Clips String Lights (6.5 Ft, Warm White) for Hanging Pictures, Cards, Artwork, Decorations, I0416

Then, I was thinking about her furniture. I found something to make it all look the same and to tie into the theme. Marble wallpaper and cover the desk, and headboard of her bed:

Image result for marble wallpaper for furniture

 

Auto Pilot

There for a little while, I felt like I was moving forward. Felt like the medication was working. Then… Father’s Day reminders…

I feel like I am stuck on auto pilot. I get up. Go to work. Take care of my daughter. Take her to whatever activity she has. Go to bed.

I don’t sleep well. When I do sleep, I dream about Dad. When I’m trying to fall asleep, my mind will not stop. At work, I am able to get through the day. I find the energy to survive. But, then it is like I am so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained that I just want to go to sleep.

However, there is a positive to the auto pilot stage of my life. I am not desperate with dating. Actually, most days I forget to go online to check if I have any messages. I seem to be more alert to red flags. I don’t bother with “well, maybe he could be worth my time.” Nope. For example, I had one message me every morning: Good morning. Then at night: How was your day. After a couple of days of that, he asked for my number because he loved talking to me so much. Um, what? There was no conversation. The small talk was torture! Had one message me today. Told me his favorite band would either be Brooks and Dunn or Metallica. I am thinking that is a crazy range. I was going to reply back, but then I checked out his profile. Under relationship: living together. Why the hell would I want to put myself in that type of situation?

Life’s Challenges

Today is six months since my dad was killed. Doesn’t seem real – still. I see my dad in my dreams almost nightly. Yesterday was the court date; except, the trial got continued to a later date. The guy that killed dad was arrested, again. This time for getting angry and apparently driving his truck through his girlfriend’s house.

I’m still trying to find a better option for internet at my house so I can actually work from home. I found a optical fiber internet, but it is in the process of being built. Could take awhile… They told me about an wireless option until the fiber is ready, but that is still in the works. But the place in town that I go to for work might be closing down. Even though I have internet at home it is horrible. It is satellite internet; so, if a bird flies too low the internet stops working.

My mom and I still talk on a weekly basis. Some days are harder than others. She brags about how much weight she’s lost – because she doesn’t eat. (Ironically, when I was a teenager and not eating everyone bitched at me.) Yesterday she told me about these cute guys flirting with her. (I am going to be ashamed of myself if my daughter and my mom both get into relationships and I’m still sitting over here single).

Found out the school the youngest sibling has been attending is shutting down permanently – about two weeks before his is supposed to graduate. Not sure that is going to happen with that.

I’m attempting online dating. BUT there are so many scammers and none of the other guys interest me. I find myself bored and unmotivated to attempt a conversation with me.

Hair Drama and Summer Camp

Image result for parenting a teenager meme

I have gotten more gray hair since my daughter has turned thirteen. It is a new adventure having a teenager. The attitude is challenging.

My once social butterfly does not want to do anything now. I drag her to 4-H. I tell her she can’t quit softball. She just wants everything to come easily to her. If something is challenging she wants to quit. She wants to play on her phone and be left alone.

Once I get her to 4-H, she has so much fun. Once I get her to softball, she is amazing.

So, I don’t know if I’m a great parent or a horrible parent… I signed my daughter up for two summer camps this year. She’s been going to summer camp for the past three or four years. She has tried a junior camp, a science camp, and a craft camp. She loved the craft camp last year and is wanting to go to it again this year. So I signed her up for it. Then I noticed that the craft camp ends on a Wednesday and that Thursday an adventure camps starts. At the adventure camp they do wall climbing, zip lining, ropes courses. Things my daughter would absolutely love. I talked to the camp director and have it worked out where I can just drop my daughter off at the craft camp on Monday and pick her up at the end of the adventure camp on Saturday – the camps are a few hours away and I didn’t see a reason to drive back and forth on back to back days. I have not told my daughter about it yet. She is aware of the camp, but she is not aware she is signed up for it.

I don’t know how she will respond. Worse case scenario, I will drop her off at camp and say see you in a week.

It is not like I am shipping her off for the entire summer. It is not like I am putting her in a camp that she would find boring.

So, parenting win or parenting fail… not sure… yet.

Then, there was hair drama yesterday with my daughter and ex. He told her he would pay for her to get her hair done. In his mind, twenty dollars for a hair cut. In her mind, $100 for a cut and ombre hair style…

So, their texts/conversation consisted of the two of them getting angry at the other one. My daughter screaming and crying. My ex cussing.

I’m on the fence about the situation. 1. that is a lot to get your hair done, but it is not like she will go back over and over to do it again. 2. ex did tell her he would pay for her to get her hair done.

 

Sentencing

Mom called me last night – talk about being completely shocked. Anyway, she was calling to get my opinion on sentencing of the guy that killed dad. It is now a Class B felony. It has been moved up to homicide.

She told me that she doesn’t want to take all of his money. She does not want him to rot in jail. Why? Because he has two young children.

Okay, I get that. BUT he does not have custody of the children!! His mother took him to court for custody.

It would a different story if this was a family man that made a dumb mistake one time – for example drinking and driving or texting and driving.

No, this guy is a rich druggie. He has money and thinks he is above the law. He killed my dad and then later that week got arrested for meth. This is a guy that does not care.

Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe I want revenge. I don’t know.

His lawyer tried getting the court date postponed to December. The judge said this is a homicide charge and a family waiting in limbo for some closer. The judge denied waiting until December.

So, during our phone call, mom asked me what I wanted. I broke down crying. I seriously just want my dad back. I want all of this to be some horrible dream that I can wake up from.

In reality, I think I want the guy to go to jail for at least 10 years. After that, I want him to finish his court ordered rehab. I think his probation should be 5-10 years. During probation, he should have to take random drug tests (a couple a week, at least).

DWI Charges

Those that have been reading my posts the past few months know the situation surrounding my dad’s death. The guy that killed my dad had court last week. I expected mom to call or to text me after court – to sometime that day – to keep me informed on what is going on in the case. She didn’t. I messaged her. Found out the state is adding DWI charges to the list of crimes. The court date has once again been postponed. Hard to believe my dad has been gone for five months.