Parole Protest Letter

The guy that killed dad is already getting a parole hearing. I cannot believe it! What the hell is wrong with our justice system?!? He killed someone. He has been in prison for a few months, and already is up for parole? What?

So, I wrote a parole protest letter. Two hours of writing and crying – I mean ugly crying.

It is so insane that this is how life is going.

I have never wrote a parole protest letter in my life – and it is not something they teach you in school. I found a template online to give me a guide of what I need to include. I talked about my dad. I talked about how my dad being killed affected all of us. I talked about the behavior of the guy that killed dad. I talked about why he should not be released from prison.

Hope I included everything I was supposed to. Hope his parole is denied.

I don’t care if I sound selfish, or bitter towards that guy. He hasn’t changed. He hasn’t attempted to better himself.

IN FACT, the paperwork at the prison isn’t even complete! There is a no contact order – that is NOT mentioned on the prison’s paperwork. He committed violent crimes and has a violent past. BUT it is listed on the paperwork as “non-violent” crime.

Selfish or Not?

I am not a selfish type of person. I put others in front of myself all the time. I bend over backwards to accommodate ex’s schedule. I drive hours to visit family. I fill in on short notice to help a friend at work.

Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday. I have not been there since April. I wanted to go with my daughter. So that is what I did. We went there and looked at dad’s grave decorations. We added our own Christmas decorations. We took pictures. We had fun. We spent over thirty minutes there. Then I headed to my parents’ house. Mom was at church. So, we sat outside and played with the dog. We waited outside for maybe twenty minutes – no big deal. We were entertained and having fun. Mom gets to her house and is annoyed that I didn’t text or call her so she could have left church early. I told her it was no big deal. We were just playing with the dog and looking at the pictures we’d took of the cemetery.

Oops. Shouldn’t have said that. She gets mad immediately. She asked why I went to the cemetery. Why couldn’t everyone go together.

First off, I wanted to go with my daughter. Just us. Everyone else lives in the same town, so they can go visit the cemetery anytime they want. I don’t get that opportunity. I wanted it to be us. Secondly, it was never stated that the entire family would go to the cemetery. I know better than to assume anything without it being stated and confirmed. Third, I did say I wanted to go to the cemetery. She never said “okay” or “we’ll all go together.”

So, selfish or not… I DON’T CARE. I did what I wanted for once without concern of others.

Visiting His Grave

Plan on going to visit dad’s grave today. Haven’t been there since April. I plan on it just being my daughter and myself. Once my mom and brothers get out of church, we’ll have Christmas at my parents’ house.

I have so much anxiety about today.

Actually, I have been a mess for the past few days. I cry all the time. It’s almost how I was this time last year. My eating is completely out of control. I have tried to keep myself busy by crafting. Eh, it works for a bit and then I loose interest or I get to a point where I have to wait (for paint to dry or wait for the wood glue to set up).

I have joined a support group online for anxiety and depression. However, I am already considering leaving it. The posts gives me even more anxiety. I want to talk to people that understand, but so many of them are in dark places right now.

One Year

I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was difficult for me. I am still angry at myself for letting stupid family drama prevent me from saying ‘goodbye’ to my dad. I know dad forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.

November 30 was one year. Can not believe it has been a year. It still feels like yesterday calling my mom and her saying “dad didn’t make it.” I worked about 16 hours that day. So, I really kept myself distracted. I did cry, but I kept myself together while around others.

There was a pretrial. A deal was made. He agreed to plead guilty to all accounts for 10 years – three years being suspended. So, there will be no jury trial. He will go in front of the judge and see what the judge decides.

I got the new job. I haven’t got to start yet. Let’s hope I get to start soon. I really hope it was the right choice. I have been with the one company for three years, but the new company offers better pay and more benefits for doing pretty much the same thing. It’s just being the new kid takes a while to get assigned for things.

Hmm… nothing new with ex. He is choosing girlfriend’s kids over our daughter. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do.

Dating. Ha. I can’t find anyone worth the time of getting to know. Really hoping one day the right guy walks into my life. But at this rate, the poor bastard must be lost and refusing to ask for directions.

My daughter is doing amazing in school. Last year, she struggled with band. She cried and wanted to quit on a daily basis. I told her EVERYONE hates beginning band – its boring because you are learning notes, chords, and faking it until you make it. It is hell listening to the squeaks and awful noises. It is torture on your body because you are using muscles you’ve never used before. I told her to give it another year. I told her at the beginning of this year after this year if she still wants to quit band then she could. She is halfway through the school year. She LOVES band. She makes 100% on assignments.

Teddy Bear

I have always been a daddy’s girl. After dad was killed, I asked mom for some of his stuff. I got a single hat. I have hoped she would eventually give me more as time passed – hasn’t happened yet.

The other day I seen a post from mom that made me feel such a mix of emotions…

She posted a picture of a teddy bear she had made from one of dad’s shirts. It was one of his favorite shirts. I had bought him that shirt many years ago for father’s day. I have several pictures of us together – or just him – wearing that shirt. I had hoped to get that shirt one of these days to keep.

When I seen the teddy bear I was angry, sick, hurt…

I felt like a lot of the fabric was missing – wasted – why not make a bigger bear or multiple bears to use more of the shirt. That is one shirt I always seen dad wearing, and now it is gone.

Are my feelings justified? I honestly don’t know. It sounds stupid, petty, and selfish of me. But that is how I feel. There were maybe four shirts I really remembering seeing dad in – since I lived a few hours away, I didn’t see him often. One is now a teddy bear. One he was buried in.

I actually haven’t even talked to mom in a week – not since she called me bitching about tagging dad in spam (which it wasn’t me doing it – damn hackers).

 

Feel Like I Am Drowning

It has been extremely difficult here lately. I can’t afford to refill my antidepressants right now. So, I have quit them cold turkey. I feel like shit, honestly. I am fighting several negative thoughts. I have zero energy. My anxiety is sky high. It’s pretty much lead to me being physically ill.

Work has been slow. My paycheck has suffered, which does not help with my mental state right now.

I had to get a new car a couple of months ago. I am drowning in bills. I paid sales tax on the car. I got hit with $600 more than I was expecting.

The guy that killed dad was offered a deal of 15 years. He did not accept the deal. We are waiting for jury trial now. It was supposed to be earlier this month. Well, shit happens. It got postponed AGAIN! Then his POS lawyer told mom’s lawyer that they were making a counter-offer of 10K and 15 years of jail time. Ten of those years are to be postponed. He would only serve five years and be up for parole in three years. Luckily, my mom told them to take their offer and shove it up their ass. So, NOW the jury trial is not scheduled until December. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? November will be a year!! What the hell is wrong with our justice system?!? Let’s hope he will stay in jail until the court date. I’m hoping no bail bondsmen will touch him. We were able to get all previous bails rejected. So, the bondsmen (there have been two thus far) lost their money. Hoping that will make all others refuse him.

Dating… Ha! One of my dating accounts got hacked. I created a new account. I can’t even find anyone that I want to hold a conversation with!!

I just want to scream, cry, and vent. But there’s no one to vent to.

Nine Months

Today, nine months ago, the unthinkable happened…

I still cry thinking about it. I am slowly getting better. I love talking about my dad. I miss him very much. I still find myself questioning “why him?”

I am still angry at myself for being so petty and letting family drama prevent me from telling my dad “I love you” and giving him a hug the last day I seen him alive. I took life for granted and assumed I would have another chance to see him on Christmas. November 30, 2018 was definitely a soul shattering day.

I think my biggest struggle is I don’t have anyone to just listen to me. Death makes people so nervous that they avoid the topic. I can’t talk about it with my daughter – that would not be fair to her. She is coping very well with everything. I can’t talk to my mom about it because she cries and then I have to get her calmed down.

I don’t want advice. I don’t want people to say “I’m sorry.” I just want someone to listen to me. I want someone to be there while I spill out all the emotions and tears that I keep hiding from the world.

The guy’s, who killed dad, criminal case is coming up. Originally, I thought I wanted to be there. As the date approaches, I don’t think I can do it. I can not sit in a court room and listen to the explicit details of my dad’s death and keep myself composed.

A quick update about my brother: He is still in ICU. They are ruling it as an accidental overdose. They are still running tests. They think he might have had a stroke.

 

Overdose

So, life has had its ups and downs since my last post.

Tomorrow will be nine months since my dad was killed. It still doesn’t seem real. I still have dreams about my dad. In my dreams, he is alive. I wake up feeling so disappointed when I realize he is gone. That I will never get to see him or speak with him again.

My mom tells me about guys that ask her out on dates. She talks about one guy that she is interested in. I keep my feelings to myself. I get she is lonely. BUT it has only been nine months.

My brother overdosed yesterday. Mom found him and called 911. Currently, he is in ICU. If she had been 20-30 minutes later finding him, he would be dead now. It took six doses of Narcan to bring him around enough for him to be able to talk. I really don’t know anything else.

My ex went to a different state for a deployment last week. He did not tell me that he was getting deployed! He claims he told me. I’m sorry, but that is something I WOULD remember!! I told him that he did not tell me about this deployment. HOWEVER, he told me about a deployment for next year. So, we were texting back and forth about this. THEN he sends me a text that he was never going on the deployment next year. That he was just telling me about that deployment because the other guys at his base are going on it. Why would I care about the rest of his base?!? Well, the other night, he called our daughter. She got tired of holding her phone so she put it on speaker and laid it down. She asked him when he was getting back from this deployment. Then she asked him when he was going on that deployment next year – the one he told me he was never going on – he gave her dates and a time frame!!

Dating has been a joke. I have tried talking to a few guys. Local guys just want sex. I don’t want to just be used for sex. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP. So, I guess I will continue to wait around.

A Mailbox is more Important than my Dad?!?

Our legal system is so fucked up.

The guy that killed dad is still causing chaos. His most recent act was totaling another truck. He fled the scene. Hid from the cops. When confronted by the police, he lied – said his truck was stolen.

They finally arrested him and took him in front of a judge. Bail was set for $150k. All other bails were revoked – so, he would have to pay all of them again before he could get out.

Less than two days, he had ALL of the money, in cash of course. However, bail was denied because they found out during the most recent wreck he hit a mailbox.

Now he is being held for federal charges.

I’m sorry, but WHAT THE HELL?!? He KILLED my dad and got back on the streets the next day! He hits a mailbox and can’t get out now.

The more I think about it the sicker I feel. I think about it and feel like the breath has been knocked out of me. I fight back the urge to vomit. I choke back the sting of tears. I try to keep my anxiety in check.

I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m lost. I’m alone.

Death and Divorce

I have realized something, death and divorce are so similar. They both make people so nervous and unsure of how to react and respond to someone going through the situation. The person living in the situation is so lost and confused.

Now, I know there are some people that want divorce.

I filed for my divorce – honestly only because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have ever been filed. I’m not joking. I ran back to ex. I tried to convince him to give “us” another chance. I slipped into a major depression so deep that I truly believed suicide was my only way out.

I hear a lot of people saying “congratulations” to someone who recently got divorced. This reminds me of the whole situation of saying “I’m sorry” to someone at a funeral. We really don’t know what else to say.

Even if the person wanted the divorce, maybe they do not see anything to be celebrating. At the time, I seen the “death” of my marriage, my family. I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother. I failed as a person. I did not want to celebrate anything.

Just like after my dad was killed, I was so tired of hearing people say “I’m sorry.”

However, how I have handled myself in both situations has really made a big difference. After my divorce, I was depressed and suicidal. I kept it a secret that I was still sleeping with my ex-husband. I felt cheap and worthless. I did not seek any help. I seriously did not believe I deserved any help. With my dad’s death, I allowed myself to cry in front of others. I allowed myself to hug and be comforted by a stranger. I found others living in a similar situation as myself. I used my blog to write out my feelings. I went to the doctor to get medication for my depression.