Some Improvement

I am noticing some improvements. I guess the medication is working. I called my mom over the weekend. It’s strange, when dad was alive I rarely talked to mom. Now, I feel like I need to check on her. Anyway, I called her over the weekend. She talked to me about her doctor’s appointment. Since dad’s death, she is diagnosed with depression. She is also diagnosed with Anxiety and Panic Syndrome. She was telling me about her symptoms and that she was going to take it upon her self to change her dosage instead of talking to the doctor. I left like it was time I told her some about me. I told her I am diagnosed with Anxiety and Stress Disorder and I am also diagnosed with depression. I told her my experience with the medication. I told her the importance to discuss it with her doctor.

It felt like a relief telling someone about my mental health. I have been feeling like I have to be strong even though I want to break. I want to crawl back into bed and say “screw the day.” It felt good to say hey, we all have rough days and dealing with dad’s death was almost too much for me to handle.

That is another improvement I see. I want to talk about dad. I want to talk about what happen. Mom doesn’t. She refused to talk about the accident. She gets choked up anytime she talks about dad. I want embrace this new normal. I miss my dad so much. And I still hate that I never got to say goodbye, but I want to embrace this life. I want to visit his grave site. I want to do things to honor his memory. Some days I cry. Some days I think it was all a dream. I find myself wanting to call him to brag about an award I received at work and having to stop as I’m dialing the phone.

I can’t bring myself to delete him from my contacts yet. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to change my profile picture online – it is a picture of dad and me (the last picture of us together). That is one area I am still struggling. I don’t want to erase him from my life. I feel like it is so permanent if I do. No one else wants to talk about him.

 

Time and Healing

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Everyone hears the saying: Time heals everything.

I know when I first got divorced, or right after dad’s death everyone told me “to give it time. You will heal over time.”

In the moment, you want to scream and cry. You want to call bullshit.

When I got divorced, I believed my world had completely crashed around me. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had regrets about divorcing my ex for YEARS!!

I fell into a deep depression. I was physically ill for a few months. I did not function. I finally hit rock bottom and downed all the pills I could find in my house.

I knew I needed help, but ironically there was no one there to help me. I was so scared to go to the doctor. My biggest fear was they would take away my daughter.

I want to say the saying is true. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago if I should have divorced my ex I would have said I’m not sure. Today, I know I made the right choice. I know a part of me still cares about him – not sure if it is because he is the father of my child; he was my first; I’d been with him for 15 years. Another part of me is so happy when I do not have to deal with him.

I know over time it will get easier. I’m hoping the same is true with my dad’s death.

The guy that killed my dad has a court date coming up soon. They are going to see if there is enough evidence to take him to trial for killing dad. Another fear of mine – dad and the entire family will not get justice.

I know there is no set time frame.

Just like with online dating, the first few times I got stood up or ghosted I was so hurt. Now, you ghost me and I block you. No second chances.

Time also makes you wiser. I have learned many life lessons throughout my life, especially over the past six years.

One lesson I learned from was about my depression. I did not want the same thing to happen again, so I talked to my doctor this time.

Loneliness

The other day my mom called me. She was watching the news and there was a car accident where I lived. So, she was calling to make sure it wasn’t me in the accident.

During our conversation, I could tell when her mood changed. It went from talking about good and pleasant things to depression and loneliness.

She asked me “how do you deal with the loneliness?”

Keep in mind that my mom married my dad when she was 16. She’d been with him for 35 years. This “loneliness” is a brand new life for her.

I remember dealing with the loneliness when I first stopped seeing my ex-husband. Days that he had our daughter, I spent hours staring at a wall. Sitting in the dark. Crying. Not functioning. Completely lost.

Everyone expected me to be fine. I was the one that filed for divorce. I should have been fine with the outcome. The loneliness.

I knew my mom wanted an answer. I did my best. I responded “You learn to live with the new normal.” Dad is never coming back. As hard as it is to think about, it is true. We can not go back into time and prevent his death.

That was the best I could describe it. I understand she is lonely. I understand she lost her soul mate. I never imaged that I would be the one having to comfort and give my mom knowledge about hard life lessons.

Now, I’m not going to lie… the loneliness is hard. But the truth is you adapt. You seriously do learn how to live in the new normal. You find things to keep your self busy. You find people to talk to. You enjoy your time with yourself.

The truth is, I’m not lonely anymore. I enjoy my me time. I would like to be in a relationship, but I’m not trying very hard to find one. I don’t mind being alone.

Some Updates

I’m still taking the medication for depression. Said people usually start to notice a difference after three weeks. Really, the only thing I notice is it makes me tired. I sleep a lot more. I am actually able to sleep. Some nights are still tough for me, but other nights are not as bad.

I haven’t really told anyone about my mental health. I’m not sure why. Don’t really think that I’m “ashamed.” I’m actually quite proud of myself for finally going to the doctor. I’m quite proud of myself for still trying each day.

Hopefully one of these days I will find my voice to tell others. Who knows, one of these days I may stop hiding behind the name “Stormie.” But, today is not that day.

I like the idea of writing a letter but never send it. I do plan on doing that, sometime.

I’ve been chatting with a guy for about a week. Conversation is good. It’s more than “hru?” But, it’s good – not great, but good. It’s nice to have someone to chat with though. I doubt we will ever meet up. He lives in the same state as I, but we’re still several hours apart. But it is nice to have the attention for now.

I remembered the days I had to force myself not to text ex. I missed the attention. I missed having someone to talk to. Honestly, I’m very content not messaging ex. Now, if it is about our daughter, I will text or call. Wish he would do the same…

It did kind of annoy me yesterday… It was in the afternoon, I still did not know if he was wanting to take our daughter to school or not. All of her school stuff was still at my house. I called him and he said she wasn’t “home” yet (meaning gf’s house) – She’d spent the night with a friend the night before. I bothered me that he referred to gf’s as my daughter’s “home.” Up until a week ago, she didn’t even have her own space!

The Hell Continues

So, on November 30, 2018 a man on drugs got into a car and hit my dad head on. My dad was killed on impact. I was a major daddy’s girl. I was very close to my dad. I knew life would never be the same, but I did not realize what exactly that entitled…

The funeral was hard. I have pictures from that day. I have tried to talk about my dad, but the reaction that I get from others is 1. I get this sad look from people and they completely avoid me. (I hate it.) or 2. I am told that I’ve had enough time to process want has happened, I should be able to move on by now. (Bullshit.)

The man that killed my dad has been arrested multiple times since my dad’s death. He continues to post bail and gets back on the streets. He has been sent to court ordered rehab. After a week in rehab, they kicked him out.

Then, last week, my dad’s co-workers bought this beautiful four foot metal cross to be placed near where my dad was killed. It got placed. Someone’s already tore it down. I just don’t understand, why?

Reflecting

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So, I’m on day three of my depression medication. It makes me tired as hell. I am actually sleeping at night though. I take it at night – if not, I would not function during the day. I am actually sleeping more than two hours at a time. I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills before and they were a high dose before I was able to go to sleep, but they left me feeling completely confused. On the sleeping pills, I would wake up with no clue where I was. With the depression medications, I wake up alert and focused. My mind is clear. Right now that is what I’ve really noticed with the medication. I’ve been on medication for anxiety and I felt stoned and like my mind was a complete fog. Like I said, with this depression medication, I feel alert and focused but I don’t feel weird. However, it is still really early in the prescription.

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I’ve been thinking about the thought of counseling. I think at my doctor appointment in three weeks, I am going to go ahead and get some information. At least see how much it will cost me. I mean, I think counseling would be a good thing. I think anyone’s office that I walk into is going to have a field day and think WHERE THE HELL  HAVE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG?!? (I mean, not just with my dad’s death, but my divorce, self injuring/harming thoughts, eating issues, body image, and the list can go on and on.)

Concerns… Of course, money. But I heard someone else started counseling and their insurance increased $300 a year. I can’t afford that.

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Doctor Appointment Today

So, today is my doctor’s appointment. I decided I need to speak up about my depression. I have hidden it and battled for so many years. I thought about going to the doctor three years ago about it. At that time, I was so physically ill and had so many suicidal thoughts. I did attempt suicide. So, I talked myself out of it. I didn’t want any labels. I didn’t to be seen as an unfit mother.

I don’t know what to really expect today. I am fairly nervous.

Thank You

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I have reached 100 followers on this blog. Thank you each of you for taking the time to like, follow, and comment on this blog and my posts.

I’d wanted to start a blog several years ago and I always talked myself out of it. I started this one last summer – 2018 – because I really needed somewhere to express myself without judgement.

As I started writing and continuing to have life experiences – i.e. online dating adventures – I seen an opportunity for others to learn from my mistakes. I know what it is like to feel lost and depressed. I also know what it is like to just want to be acknowledged by another person and that is not always the best frame of mind for online dating.

Over the past months I have had my highs and lows. My daughter is always a high point. Some lows include drama with ex-husband and the death of my dad.

I know dad’s death has seriously taken its’ toll on me – mentally and physically. I know I lost a lot of people in my life after that because death makes people nervous – and sad to say, stupid. People say stupid things. People say hurtful things. I know I still get the looks from people – you know, the look like I’m broken or some charity case. Look, everything I have been through during my life I’m not broken! I have been damaged, but I have not broke. Even though some days I wonder how much I can take before I do break.

I was thinking about that this morning, actually. My alarm went off at 3am. I wanted to say fuck it! I wanted to stay in bed. I am working all three jobs today. I want to fast forward through the day until I can crawl back into bed. Then tomorrow is another day that I start at 3 am and I am completely busy until about 8pm. I found myself wondering if anyone even gave a shit. Does anyone care I’m exhausted? Does anyone care that I want to disappear? My jobs don’t care. As long as I do my job and make them money. My family doesn’t care – we are all dealing with our grief and life. Like I said, people avoid me now – so friends don’t care. I’m not dating – but I am chatting with someone. Probably will chase him off before the weekend is over – haha. My daughter cares, but it is not her job to worry about me.

7 weeks

Tomorrow will be seven weeks since my dad’s death. Doesn’t seem possible. It seems like it was just yesterday I was getting the call. But then again, it feels like I have been dealing with this grief for much longer than just seven weeks!

Seems like mom still has people that are around to help her. It helps that dad and her worked at the same place, so all of the co-workers are being amazing. They bought this 4ft tall metal cross to place on the side of the road where dad was killed. I can not wait to see it. They are getting his name and birth date and death date engraved into it. The issue is state law says you can not place things on the side of the road; so, they are having to get permission from the land owner next to the road to mount the cross onto his land.

I, however, don’t have that support system. In fact, someone said by far the stupidest thing to me… They say that it’s been long enough that by now I should be over it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? First off, I was a major daddy’s girl. Secondly, it was sudden and tragic. How am I supposed to just get over it. I don’t think in any amount of time I will “just get over it.” I bit my tongue. I wanted to lash out, but I didn’t. I fought back anger. I fought back tears. I avoided that person as much as possible after that, which is challenging because we work together.

That Gift Would Make Me Sad

So, two weeks have passed since losing my dad. I’m still grieving, of course. But – I have a degree in sociology, so I tend to pay attention to people a lot – I’ve noticed people’s words and actions a little more here lately.

I know when everyone hears they don’t know what to say. The most common response is “I’m sorry.”

I was talking to mom yesterday, and she said she was tired of people saying “I’m sorry” to her. It’s like: I GET IT!

I know people are being polite. Death makes people uncomfortable and they don’t know what to say, but seriously I’m tired of hearing “I’m sorry.”

I’ve heard “he’s in a better place now.” No. He is not. A better place would be with his family. A better place would be getting to see his grandchildren grow and have their own children.

Things to avoid saying to someone who’s grieving:

“It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan.”

“Look at what you have to be thankful for.” They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.

“He’s in a better place now.” The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.

“This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means “forgetting” their loved one. Besides, moving on is much easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.

Statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about…” or “You might try…”

Source: American Hospice Foundation

But yesterday, I heard a first:

I was talking about ordering some ornaments of pictures of my dad. It comes in a set of four. So, I chose a picture of dad and me, dad with my daughter, the three of us, and one of my parents. I am going to give the one of my parents to my mom.

I was telling someone about my plan and they said that probably wasn’t a good gift. That gift would make her sad. They said they would not want a gift like that because it would make them sad.

Here’s the thing: Yes, we are all grieving. Yes, we all miss dad more than can be expressed in words. BUT, not talking about him isn’t going to change the fact that he is gone. Avoiding pictures of him isn’t going to make us grieve less.

My dad comes up in almost every. single. conversation that I have. Same thing when I talk to mom. We talk about what dad would have wanted. Or things he liked.

Seriously, what is really difficult right now is the fact that my dad is gone – forever – and the piece of shit that killed him is still making trouble.

In the past two weeks – since he killed my dad – he has been arrested, twice; sent to court ordered rehab; kicked out of rehab; served with an arrest warrant; fled from cops; and is now in jail, again/ for now.

I don’t know if he will have the opportunity to post bail or not. I would think not, since obviously he is a flight risk, but I guess we will just wait and see.