Well, 2019 ended roughly. I did not get to see my daughter at all on her birthday. It hurt, but I survived. She was tired of going back and forth from the holidays. So, I did what was best for her – not to have to travel back and front back-to-back days.
2020 has been interesting. First, I’m now working a combination of four – yes, four – part-time jobs. I have an interview for another one coming up. I have lost 10lbs. Oh, and my mom has a boyfriend. Don’t know if I am “okay” with it, but it is not my choice. I don’t know anything about him. I’m still single.
You would think I would be used to sharing holidays with my ex by now. I’ve been divorced for six years, but it is still difficult. I see all of these pictures of families posting Christmas eve pictures and complaining the kids will not go to bed. I want to say “at least you have your kiddo with you for Christmas Eve.” I don’t say anything. I know the important thing is my daughter is happy and taken care of. I have to keep my feelings to myself. I just know that in just a few short years she will be all grown and I will probably still be single. So, I will still be spending the holidays alone.
I am not a selfish type of person. I put others in front of myself all the time. I bend over backwards to accommodate ex’s schedule. I drive hours to visit family. I fill in on short notice to help a friend at work.
Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday. I have not been there since April. I wanted to go with my daughter. So that is what I did. We went there and looked at dad’s grave decorations. We added our own Christmas decorations. We took pictures. We had fun. We spent over thirty minutes there. Then I headed to my parents’ house. Mom was at church. So, we sat outside and played with the dog. We waited outside for maybe twenty minutes – no big deal. We were entertained and having fun. Mom gets to her house and is annoyed that I didn’t text or call her so she could have left church early. I told her it was no big deal. We were just playing with the dog and looking at the pictures we’d took of the cemetery.
Oops. Shouldn’t have said that. She gets mad immediately. She asked why I went to the cemetery. Why couldn’t everyone go together.
First off, I wanted to go with my daughter. Just us. Everyone else lives in the same town, so they can go visit the cemetery anytime they want. I don’t get that opportunity. I wanted it to be us. Secondly, it was never stated that the entire family would go to the cemetery. I know better than to assume anything without it being stated and confirmed. Third, I did say I wanted to go to the cemetery. She never said “okay” or “we’ll all go together.”
So, selfish or not… I DON’T CARE. I did what I wanted for once without concern of others.
Plan on going to visit dad’s grave today. Haven’t been there since April. I plan on it just being my daughter and myself. Once my mom and brothers get out of church, we’ll have Christmas at my parents’ house.
I have so much anxiety about today.
Actually, I have been a mess for the past few days. I cry all the time. It’s almost how I was this time last year. My eating is completely out of control. I have tried to keep myself busy by crafting. Eh, it works for a bit and then I loose interest or I get to a point where I have to wait (for paint to dry or wait for the wood glue to set up).
I have joined a support group online for anxiety and depression. However, I am already considering leaving it. The posts gives me even more anxiety. I want to talk to people that understand, but so many of them are in dark places right now.
I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was difficult for me. I am still angry at myself for letting stupid family drama prevent me from saying ‘goodbye’ to my dad. I know dad forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.
November 30 was one year. Can not believe it has been a year. It still feels like yesterday calling my mom and her saying “dad didn’t make it.” I worked about 16 hours that day. So, I really kept myself distracted. I did cry, but I kept myself together while around others.
There was a pretrial. A deal was made. He agreed to plead guilty to all accounts for 10 years – three years being suspended. So, there will be no jury trial. He will go in front of the judge and see what the judge decides.
I got the new job. I haven’t got to start yet. Let’s hope I get to start soon. I really hope it was the right choice. I have been with the one company for three years, but the new company offers better pay and more benefits for doing pretty much the same thing. It’s just being the new kid takes a while to get assigned for things.
Hmm… nothing new with ex. He is choosing girlfriend’s kids over our daughter. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do.
Dating. Ha. I can’t find anyone worth the time of getting to know. Really hoping one day the right guy walks into my life. But at this rate, the poor bastard must be lost and refusing to ask for directions.
My daughter is doing amazing in school. Last year, she struggled with band. She cried and wanted to quit on a daily basis. I told her EVERYONE hates beginning band – its boring because you are learning notes, chords, and faking it until you make it. It is hell listening to the squeaks and awful noises. It is torture on your body because you are using muscles you’ve never used before. I told her to give it another year. I told her at the beginning of this year after this year if she still wants to quit band then she could. She is halfway through the school year. She LOVES band. She makes 100% on assignments.
Yesterday, was a challenging day for several reasons.
It was the first Thanksgiving without dad. It was a year since I’ve seen my dad alive. Regrets and memories from last year started first thing yesterday morning. Hating myself for leaving without saying goodbye last year. I never imagined that would be the last time I would ever see him.
It definitely wasn’t the same without him there. Typically, dinner is us sitting around the table eating, telling stories, and laughing. Besides some conversation with my brother and of course with my daughter, there was no talking. Besides taking snapchat filtered pictures with my daughter, there was no laughing. It was horrible.
I did not get to go to his grave because the weather was horrible. I wouldn’t have been able to get to his grave. I’m hoping Christmas has nice weather. I would like to sit at his grave for a little while.
Driving in the bad weather made my anxiety so bad. I was shaking. I feared wrecking my car.
I did have a wonderful time with my daughter. Too bad she’s with ex for a few days now.
I had my six-month follow-up appointment with my doctor.
I was already on the highest dose of this specific antidepressant. I can tell they are helping. I still have bad days. I still have negative thoughts. I’m still drained by the end of the day. So, now I am on an even higher dose. This medication maxes out, which was the dose I was taking; so, now I’m taking a lower dose three-times-a-day. We’ll see how that goes.
I told my doctor symptoms/concerns I’ve been having. He had blood work done on me. Now, I’m also on medication for thyroid issues.
I started my new medications today. I feel sick as a dog. I am fighting the urge to puke. You’re suppose to wait before eating. So new medications – both are quick release, so not gel covered.
I’m slowing going through each of the “first” without my dad. Tomorrow will be my first birthday without him. Dad was always the first one to wish me “happy birthday.” I received an early happy birthday message from one of dad’s coworkers today. He said he knows my birthday is tomorrow, but there’s nothing wrong with being first.
I completely broke down.
I want my dad to continue to be the first one to wish me happy birthday. I know that’s not possible. But it still hurts that he will never be the first message on my birthday again.
I have already cried a lot today. Just ready to get this day over with.
Father’s Day is tomorrow. The first Father’s Day without my dad. I am planning on making him a flower arrangement for his grave. I can’t find any flowers that I like though…
But, my anxiety is high this weekend because of tomorrow. I feel like if I think about it I may lose it. I am trying to keep my mind busy. So, I am trying to find ideas for a room makeover for my daughter’s bedroom. I bought our house during my divorce. She was seven. Her favorite color was pink. She wore pink EVERYTHING. Her bedroom got painted pink – glittery pink. At the time, she LOVED it!! Now, she is 13. She HATES the color pink.
So I am thinking about doing a makeover next month while she is at summer camp. I am thinking about doing this idea with the geometric shapes (except the colors would be white, navy blue, silver).
Then to help brighten the room, I was thinking about adding some mirrors:
Maybe adding some decals:
(probably would find more tumbling and dance related. Even though she wants to do gymnastics, we do not have a gym here that offers gymnastics.)
Maybe some butterflies:
Then some string lights for her pictures:
Then, I was thinking about her furniture. I found something to make it all look the same and to tie into the theme. Marble wallpaper and cover the desk, and headboard of her bed: