Selfish or Not?

I am not a selfish type of person. I put others in front of myself all the time. I bend over backwards to accommodate ex’s schedule. I drive hours to visit family. I fill in on short notice to help a friend at work.

Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday. I have not been there since April. I wanted to go with my daughter. So that is what I did. We went there and looked at dad’s grave decorations. We added our own Christmas decorations. We took pictures. We had fun. We spent over thirty minutes there. Then I headed to my parents’ house. Mom was at church. So, we sat outside and played with the dog. We waited outside for maybe twenty minutes – no big deal. We were entertained and having fun. Mom gets to her house and is annoyed that I didn’t text or call her so she could have left church early. I told her it was no big deal. We were just playing with the dog and looking at the pictures we’d took of the cemetery.

Oops. Shouldn’t have said that. She gets mad immediately. She asked why I went to the cemetery. Why couldn’t everyone go together.

First off, I wanted to go with my daughter. Just us. Everyone else lives in the same town, so they can go visit the cemetery anytime they want. I don’t get that opportunity. I wanted it to be us. Secondly, it was never stated that the entire family would go to the cemetery. I know better than to assume anything without it being stated and confirmed. Third, I did say I wanted to go to the cemetery. She never said “okay” or “we’ll all go together.”

So, selfish or not… I DON’T CARE. I did what I wanted for once without concern of others.

Sentencing

Mom called me last night – talk about being completely shocked. Anyway, she was calling to get my opinion on sentencing of the guy that killed dad. It is now a Class B felony. It has been moved up to homicide.

She told me that she doesn’t want to take all of his money. She does not want him to rot in jail. Why? Because he has two young children.

Okay, I get that. BUT he does not have custody of the children!! His mother took him to court for custody.

It would a different story if this was a family man that made a dumb mistake one time – for example drinking and driving or texting and driving.

No, this guy is a rich druggie. He has money and thinks he is above the law. He killed my dad and then later that week got arrested for meth. This is a guy that does not care.

Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe I want revenge. I don’t know.

His lawyer tried getting the court date postponed to December. The judge said this is a homicide charge and a family waiting in limbo for some closer. The judge denied waiting until December.

So, during our phone call, mom asked me what I wanted. I broke down crying. I seriously just want my dad back. I want all of this to be some horrible dream that I can wake up from.

In reality, I think I want the guy to go to jail for at least 10 years. After that, I want him to finish his court ordered rehab. I think his probation should be 5-10 years. During probation, he should have to take random drug tests (a couple a week, at least).

DWI Charges

Those that have been reading my posts the past few months know the situation surrounding my dad’s death. The guy that killed my dad had court last week. I expected mom to call or to text me after court – to sometime that day – to keep me informed on what is going on in the case. She didn’t. I messaged her. Found out the state is adding DWI charges to the list of crimes. The court date has once again been postponed. Hard to believe my dad has been gone for five months.

Eh.

Yesterday was Dad’s birthday. I was emotional. I cried a few times. For his birthday, we did a balloon release – no judgements (I know it’s not safe for the environment and all that). We wrote notes to dad and attached them to the balloons. It was nice. I even bought a dress for the occasion – and I’m not a dress type chick. The dress was pretty. I am way too fat for it, but again no judgement.

My daughter told me the other day that she did not like me. That was painful. She was mad at her dad and said it while he was standing there. However, she did apologize through text a few hours later. Since that day our relationship has been great.

Found out my mom and my ex and talking – still – about me behind my back. Apparently my mom called my ex last month to see if he would bring his truck down sometime and load their old lawnmower for me. (According to my mom) Ex told her he couldn’t because his girlfriend doesn’t like when he does stuff to help me out.

First of all, mom didn’t even ask me about giving me the mower! This mower is at least 12 years old. My dad didn’t even think it would survive another year. So, she is wanting to give me something that is going to break down. Then what the hell am I supposed to do?!? Secondly, I have hired someone to do my yard work. This guy is amazing. He mows and weedeats. He is surprisingly very cheap! Plus, he came to my house one day and helped me change a flat – didn’t ask for any money in return. I hadn’t told ex I’d hired someone. Frankly, it’s none of his damn business. Anyway, mom told ex that I’d hired someone. We’ll see what drama comes from their little conversation. Third, how fucking dare he have that attitude that he can’t help me! I am the mother of his child. Is that really the lesson we want to teach our daughter? Now, I try not to ask my ex for shit, but what if it was an emergency? It scares me because I still have him as my emergency contact. What if something happens to me and he doesn’t come? Yes, I would help him if he needed something. Would I be happy about helping him – probably not. I’d probably cuss under my breath, but I would still help because I want my daughter to see her parents can still get along. But honestly I don’t ask him for anything. I know better.

Anyway, for dad’s birthday we had lunch and birthday cake. It was mom, my siblings, the grandkids AND my brother’s ex and her girlfriend. My mom told me she invited them because his ex will always be the mother of his child so everyone needs to get along. I understand that, but why didn’t she invite my ex then? She must have read my mind because she said I didn’t invite your ex because your dad hated him. She told me she has issues with my ex and she is not ready to resolve them just now.

 

No Tears

Yesterday, not much happened in court. Both sides agreed to be ready to go to trial later this month.

While waiting for my daughter’s team pictures and game to start, I was standing there talking to someone. Everything just started spilling out. About the court date. About my dad’s death. About what the past four and a half months have been like.

A part of me wanted to shut up, but the words just poured out. The other part of me was so happy to have someone to listen.

They asked questions. I was able to talk and answer their questions without breaking down. I felt my anxiety grow, but I did not cry.

Moving Forward

I know I’ve been silent here lately. Life is challenging. Every Friday, I relive getting the call telling my dad is gone forever. Everyday I try to balance work, my daughter, her activities, my own mental health. I have started chatting with someone online again. I don’t expect anything from it, but the point is I am moving forward. I am trying.

The past weekend was very difficult.

First, my computer crashed. Two of my jobs require a working computer. So, I had to go and buy a new computer. Talk about stress. Spending that much and deciding which bills could wait.

Second, a very difficult thing, I changed my social media profile picture. Since my dad’s death, my profile picture has been the last picture of us together. He has been gone for three-and-a-half months. I changed my picture. I still cry thinking about it all. I don’t want to seem like I am forgetting him. I’m not. He crosses my mind hundreds of times a day. I don’t want to be stuck in the past either. My dad loved life. He would want me to love life, too. He would want me to keep moving forward.

Third, dealing with my ex. Sundays are my days with my daughter. They are typically the one day where we are not running from one activity or job. We can relax. We can enjoy spending time together. Well, softball is starting up. Ex asked if he could keep her a little longer on Sunday to take her to the sports store to buy her some gear. I of course said no problem. I mean, she needed equipment. She has outgrown her helmet and cleats. Her facemask got busted last semester when she got hit in the face. Plus, she needed to be there to pick out her equipment. He brings her home with new equipment. Six hours later, ex shows back up at my door wanting her back. Saying she asked him if she could spend the night. I wanted to scream. I seriously wanted to punch him. I fought back anger and tears. I knew he was lying to me. I went ahead and let him take her for the night. I told him not to pull that on me again. I try to do what is best for my daughter. Of course, I would love to have her 24/7.

A Must Read

Updated: September 2019

Introduction

First, let me introduce myself – again. I have been writing this blog since June 2018. I am now up to over 175 followers – I thank each of you for taking the time to read, comment, ask questions, and share your thoughts, experiences, and feelings!

My blog is full of sensitive issues. I chose not to use my real identity with this blog – for reasons I will explain later. I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve always joked that my life would make a great movie for Lifetime. But this is more of my journal. I read through old posts. I reflect on what I have been through and what I have learned.

My name is “Stormie.”

I chose “Stormie” because it is nowhere close to my real name. It sounded beautiful. It was a name that I felt like I could relate to – storms are beautiful, powerful, and misunderstood.

So, again, I’m Stormie. I am divorced. I’ve been divorced for six years. I was with my ex-husband for a total of fifteen years. (I know you are trying to do the math in your head. The numbers will not make sense. I spent an additional two years with my ex even after my divorce was finalized – Why? because I was lost. I thought my divorce was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t want to fail at my marriage. I didn’t want to loose my best friend. I didn’t want to live and die alone. I didn’t want to raise my daughter in a broken home.). I have one child, a thirteen-year-old daughter. I write about her often. She is the joy of my life. Again, I try to avoid any details that would help identify anyone in my life – even my ex.

Sensitive Issues

So, as I said, I chose a new identity because of the topics in my blog. Don’t get me wrong, just because I changed my name, this is me. This is how I speak. This is my personality, my attitude, and my character all on paper. These are my actual thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

I don’t know if I’m “ashamed” of the events in my life. But most of them I have kept as a secret from friends and family. My own family really doesn’t know me. If they did, I don’t think they would claim me anymore. When I started writing this blog, I really did not have a great relationship with my family. Since my dad’s death I have tried harder to build a relationship with my mom.

So what are my sensitive issues?

Self-Injury

I started hurting myself when I was nine-years-old. I was very depressed and lost. I was suicidal. The first time I cut myself it was because I was too scared to slit my wrist to complete the suicide attempt.

I continued hurting myself for many years. I have many scars from my years of cutting and burning myself. I kept my scars hidden from family and friends.

Honestly, I don’t know if my family even knows. If they do, they have never said a word to me about it.

My ex, obviously knows. He didn’t understand the behavior. He called it, and me, “crazy.”

Anyone who doesn’t understand self-injuring may think it is “crazy.” Why would you want to hurt yourself? If you hurt yourself then it means you’re suicidal, right?

So, people who self-injure are not suicidal. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is a coping tactic to continue living. It is a way to stay in control of yourself, your emotions, and your body.

People self-injure to see the blood. It is powerful to see those emotions pour out of you. You feel stronger because you are controlling those emotions. You are not crying in front of anyone. You are hiding and hurting yourself on your own terms. It is a rush. Your body sends messages to your brain and you feel this rush of being alive. You know that you can continue living and facing whatever situation is challenging you.

I self-injured for eleven years.

I still think about falling back into old habits, but I don’t because I want to be a better role model for my daughter.

She asks about my scars – I am slowly working on getting them covered with tattoos (which is not an easy progress. Tattoos are expensive – and money is something I struggle with each month. Tattooing scars is a challenge – scaring occurs in the fourth or fifth layer, so the ink has to be pushed deeper than that. Not to mention, it takes a lot longer to tattoo – my scars are raised and the needle would get stuck in the scar tissue – painful.) But when my daughter asks about my scars, I just brush off her questions and redirect her focus to something else – I am not ready to disclose that part of my life with my daughter. I am not ready for that look of sadness and disappointment spread across her face. I don’t want her to think her mom is “crazy.”

Suicide

I have thought about taking my life multiple times. I have attempted a couple of times. The most recent attempt was a few years ago. I tried to over-dose. My ex was the one that stayed by me to make sure I was okay. (Yes, my ex does have some good moments in my life.)

I will add, if you know someone that might be suicidal please talk to them. Seems like people believe if you talk about it then you are pretty much talking them into it. No. They need to know someone notices they are struggling. They need to know someone cares.

Eating Disorders

When I was seven, my grandmother passed away. She was the one person in the world that I was really close to. My world crashed all around me during that time. She had cancer. So, I watched her get worse for two years before she finally passed.

I couldn’t get over her death. The rest of the family went on smiling and laughing. They could remember great stories about her and tell them and smile.

I couldn’t.

I cried.

I had no one to talk to. I feared death.

They’d told me that she’d died in her sleep. I feared sleeping. I became an insomniac. I questioned my religion: heaven and hell terrified me.

I found comfort in food. I ate my emotions. I gained weight. My mom put me on countless diets. She forced me to join sports.

I never lost the weight.

By middle school, I was fat and wore glasses. I was shy – I didn’t speak above a whisper. Obviously, I was an easy target for bullies.

I remember the first day I started starving myself. I was in seventh grade. I had got a school lunch – it was a BBQ sandwich (funny the details we remember, even after so many years, huh?). I overheard two girls laugh and say “eww, she’s going to eat that?” I felt my face turn red. I stood up and tossed the food into the trash and left the cafeteria.

It was amazing. I felt like I had control over food. I started skipping lunches. Skipping breakfasts. Skipping dinners.

By high school, I was down to 100lbs.

No one said anything.

I know people knew what I was doing. They looked the other way.

There are not many pictures of me during those years – I hid in my room – but there is one picture of me when I was fourteen. I am thin. Dark circles under my eyes. My hair looks horrible. I am smiling, but I look sick. I look sad.

I can’t look at that picture.

I did start eating again. My ex and I went to school together. He made me feel like it was okay to eat. I started gaining the weight. I started looking healthy.

Then, after we moved in together, my eating turned back into emotional eating. I gained more and more weight.

Today, I am obese.

I try to eat healthy. I try to work out and lose weight. It is a daily struggle.

I hate working out because I am so big it is hard to work out. I hate working out alone because then it is easy to talk myself out of doing it for one day… two days… a week… a month…

I hate eating because I know I am so big that I’m only going to get bigger.

I hate not eating. I hate being hungry. I hate the sound of my stomach growling. I remember growing up with hunger pains all day long, every single day.

You think once you start starving yourself then the hunger pains go away – no, you learn to live with them.

I did start purging – I cannot stay making myself sick – but, I did binged and purged for a few years.

Anxiety

Growing up, I’d always had anxiety. I would feel like I could not breath in a crowded store. I would want to run away.

It wasn’t until during my divorce did I get diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Stress Disorder. I was given medication. I took it for a while.

I stopped taking the pills. I hated the side effects. I felt like my mind was in a fog all of the time, and I was still having anxiety attacks.

I have had major attacks – alone, and if front of others. It’s scary. It makes you feel like a freak. You want to disappear. Then after an attack, you have no energy. You want to sleep, forever.

I have gotten my anxiety under control. I am able to do grounding. The last attack was in February 2018 (I slept with someone and I had flashbacks of being with my ex. I felt like I’d been so horrible in bed. I was embarrassed. I couldn’t stop the attack.).

What is grounding?

Grounding is a way to keep you focused. You find something you can see, feel, hear, smell. You focus on these objects. You make your brain and your senses work together to keep you in the moment. You focus on your breathing.

My worst attack was years ago. In front of my ex, I’d found out he was sleeping with someone and me at the same time. That attack was so bad, I don’t remember the conversation. I remember hearing his voice, but not the words. I remember telling myself to breath. I passed out. I completely blacked out. I woke up and he wanted to take me to the hospital and I refused.

Depression

I have depression. I finally got diagnosed with depression after my dad was killed. (I know I should have gone years ago and talked to the doctor, but I was scared. I was so scared they would take my daughter away from me. I was scared my ex would use my mental health as a weapon against me.)

During my final break-up with my ex, I was physically ill. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. My body hurt. I sat in the dark for hours. I was lost. After my dad’s death, I didn’t want to slip into the same situation. So, I did go to the doctor.

I struggle daily. I am trying to get it under control. I do still take my medication.

Religion

I will not go into my beliefs. I do ask if you want to comment – great – but I don’t want you to convert me to your beliefs, and I will not convert you to mine.

Again, my beliefs are different than my family’s – another reason to use the secret identity.

This is one thing you will not read about in my posts.

Sexual Orientation

So, I consider myself bisexual. I have never been with a female, but I am attracted to them. I remember being attracted to girls before I was even attracted to guys. I felt so confused. I kept my feelings to myself. I knew the place I grew up in, that was not “appropriate.”

I did tell one girl, in high school, that I had a crush on her. She freaked and stopped hanging around me completely.

With online dating, I have chatted with females. But I continue to go back to males. Why? Actually, the women on those dating sites are worse than the men.

Again, my family does not know. They would not approve at all. So, I don’t bother telling anyone.

Abuse

I have dealt with abuse most of my life. Mainly emotional/mental abuse. Growing up and being told I was fat and that I should not attempt a certain goal because I would fail. I didn’t have a good relationship with my mom – I remember her always making fun of me because of my weight. I remember her telling me I shouldn’t try something because I would not win – I would not be the best one out there. (I am trying to build a better relationship with mom since dad’s death. I know that is what he would want.)

Or, being told that if a guy is mean to you, then that means that he likes you. DON’T EVER TELL YOUR CHILD THAT.

I seriously believed it!

My first boyfriend – I was in seventh grade. He was in tenth grade – pinned me against the wall. He pinned my wrists above my head and helped himself to my body. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought that was what it was like to have a boyfriend.

Every boyfriend treated me like that – except one: my first love. I was fourteen, and he was seventeen. He treated me well. He respected me when I said “no.” I did love him. Even today, I still have love for him.

I was engaged when I was sixteen (not to my ex-husband). He was abusive. He would yell at me and punch the wall. He would force me to make out when I wasn’t wanting to. One time, he kept on. I know I put myself in the situation. I started kissing him. I started making out with him. But after he pinned me against the wall, I said “no.” He did not listen and continued to pull down my pants.

I did not tell anyone – except my, at the time, best friend (who is my ex-husband). I felt like I got what I deserved. I should have known better. I should have not put myself in that situation.

I have been hit, pinned to the wall, knocked to the floor, taken advantage of, lied to, called names, been cheated on by pretty much every guy in my life.

My Ex-Husband

I’ve know my ex since middle school. We were best friends in high school and started dating the summer before our senior year. I ignored the red flags. He was a flirt with every girl in the school. They would hang on him – he loved it.

Before we were dating, after the rape, ex started writing on my jacket and my notebooks “CQ” and told other guys to call me “condom queen.”

He didn’t believe that I was a virgin (I never count that rape when talking about my number of sexual partners). Even when we became a couple, he did not believe that I was a virgin. There were so many rumors about me in school.

I’m the one that asked my ex out. I’m the one that made the first move.

Ironically, I knew he was the guy I was going to marry. But even in high school, when I pictured our life together, I could never see us growing old together. I never seen us being together past our twenties – I was thirty when my divorce was finalized.

Dating my ex was fun – we went out and played putt-putt/ go to the movies/ walk around the park and just talk… Dating was fun. Being a responsible couple living together was not fun. We moved in together when we were in our twenties. That was our first fight as a couple – we fought about money. My ex has a temper. He would throw objects, and punch walls. He made me feel unattractive. At the time, I thought the sex was great. (I know better now. The sex was horrible, but when you have nothing to compare it to… ).

The first time he threatened me with divorce, we’d been married for two years. I don’t remember what the fight was about, but he told me since he was in the military then he could get a great lawyer and get full custody.

I believed him 100%.

I stayed in fear. I stayed because who else would want me. I stayed because I had a child with him. I stayed because I would not survive on my own.

I know he was unfaithful. Do I have proof? No. The first time I felt something was going on was during his first overseas deployment. I was five months pregnant, we’d been married for six months. He claims he never slept with anyone else while we were married. But that did not stop him from trying. I did read messages to one chick from him. They were deployed together. They bought each other gifts. He bought her underwear. She turned him down – NOT BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED, but because she had a boyfriend…. Those are the messages I found and admitted to him that I seen. I filed for divorce the next day.

I also believe ex and current girlfriend were together while we were married, because of posts on social media that I have found.

He did not tell me about any of it. I don’t really know what he was waiting for. He was telling this other woman that he was going to divorce me to be with her, and telling me nothing. And I mean NOTHING. He returned from that deployment, kicked the chair I was sitting in to get my attention asked where our daughter was. That was all he said to me for four days.

I hated filing for divorce. I felt like such a failure. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for my ex.

We continued to live together for seven months before I found my own house.

I don’t remember what happened to make us start sleeping together again. But the after divorce sex was so much better than the married sex. We were doing activities like a family again. I thought we were getting back together. It was like we were dating again.

Turns out, he was seeing other women. They would not have sex with him, so he was using me for the sex. He did not tell me about the other women, I was blindsided multiple times. He would sneak – current girlfriend – in his house at night and make her leave before the morning. He would take my daughter to girlfriend’s house and then tell my daughter to lie to me about where she’d been.

Ex made me believe I did not deserve to be loved or to be treated well. He told me that I would not find a guy willing to wait for me to be ready to have sex – because at the time, I seriously thought I wanted to be in a relationship with a guy for a year before having sex (ha, the second guy I had sex with I only knew for a few days before we had sex).

We still have a long way to go before we can co-parent like how I hope for my daughter.

There is still some wounds that need to heal.

One lesson that I learned was, I will never get the closure I wanted. I never know why he was unfaithful. I never will know why he used me for sex. I will never know why he chose girlfriend over me.

So, anyone that is going through a divorce or breakup, don’t expect the closure from the other person. I see so many posts about wanting to write them a letter or a text to get some answers. Burn the letter. Delete the text. You are giving them the power over you. They are keeping you from healing. They are keeping you from being happy.

I will admit, I have no respect for the girlfriend. The first time I tried to meet her, she would not get out of “our” bed. The second time, she could not keep her hands off of ex – they made out in front of me.

I am bitter – I do admit that. Ex never wanted more kids – he told me he was afraid if we had another child that it would be another a girl and he did not want to deal with drama and hormones. BUT life is cruel. Girlfriend has THREE GIRLS… Ex claims to be their “dad.” He buys them food, clothes, and gifts. He walked the one on the field for homecoming. He goes to every one of their practices and activities, yet bitches when he has to do the same for our daughter.

He brings the kids to our daughter’s birthday party and her various activities – he forces our daughter to share everything (belongings and room). It is like a slap in the face to me every single time.

He gets to have relationship. He gets to have the family.

I get to be single and probably too old to ever have any more children.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m trying to work on that.

I don’t love my ex anymore. I loved the idea of him at times. I loved the idea of our life that I had pictured. I don’t love him – and that took a long time to realize and to work through.

Divorce

I did file for divorce. But ex is the one that wanted it. He told another woman he was going to divorce me and move across the country to be with her (they’d met during a military deployment). I told him if that was what he wanted, then I would give him the divorce.

When I went to file for divorce I was clueless. I didn’t know anyone who was divorced. I went to the first lawyer I found – I did not do any research. PLEASE RESEARCH YOUR LAWYER!! This POS lawyer ran off with my money. I ended up having to hire a second lawyer. The second one was a complete asshole. Hated my lawyers – but got the job done.

I was an emotional mess going into my divorce. I did not have the knowledge needed or the strength to fight for anything. My ex got the house. I get very little child support (not even half of what the state requirement would be based on his income six years ago).

My decree has nothing worth anything in it…

I wish I knew then, what I know now.

Advice:

Get first right of refusal in your decree! This means if it is one parent’s time and he/she has to work or cannot keep the kids then they have to ask the other parent first before trying to hire a babysitter or finding a family member to watch the children. My heart was broken when ex left my daughter with girlfriend, her teenagers, or her mother instead of leaving her with me when he had to go into work.

Overnight guests. Again, my decree says nothing about overnight guests. Says nothing about introducing our child to potential mates. NOTHING. So, ex introduced my daughter to these women within weeks of dating. Had them at his house and forced her to play with their children. Ironically, the one guy I brought my daughter around, ex found out and threw a fit!! He accused me of having sex in front of my child — um, no. I never had sex in my house – with either guy. And I did not have sex when my daughter was anywhere around – we went to the movies and went swimming. BUT it is okay for him to bring women over and to have sex when our daughter is at his house… irony…

College. Insurance. Car. None of this is talked about in my decree. Granted, my daughter was seven when I go divorced, but still I should have thought about the future.

Online Dating

I am shy around people. I am awkward around guys. I don’t know how to flirt or date. I don’t drink. I quit smoking back when I was twenty (I started smoking when I was thirteen). I don’t go to bars or clubs. I have a small circle of friends, but they have their on family to take care of.

So, I turned to online dating to try to find someone.

Okay, I’ve watched one too many Lifetime channel and Hallmark channel movies. I expected one of two situations: 1. to go on a date and be stuffed into a body bag or sold for sex trafficking, 2. find my soulmate and live happily ever after.

Obviously, neither has happened. ha-ha.

I was an emotional mess when I first started online dating. I was trusting. I was desperate. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to prove there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted sex.

It’d been eighteen months since I’d had sex, I wanted friends with benefits.

Can you believe I could not find a single guy interested in having sex with me? crazy huh?

Things happen for a reason.

I got catfished. I got my heartbroken. I got ghosted.

I have been trying online dating for four years – with a few breaks here and there. I had life lessons:

One, ghosting is not your fault.

Ghost and Zombies

A person will ghost because they found someone else. Consider it as dodging the bullet – just thank them in your head and move on!!

Avoid zombies. Zombie reenter your life to keep you on the back burner. They want to make sure you are available when THEY are ready. They always want a “plan b.”

Just block ghosts and zombies, you will save yourself a lot of issues right there.

Scammers

Avoid scammers. If their English is not correct – block. It is a scam to get money. Always do your research. Check pictures.

Military Scams

If they are “military” and “currently deployed” and they need money, gift cards, or something in order to contact their family, lawyer, whatever… RUN. BLOCK ASAP.

How will you know if it is a military scam?

They have one picture – typically. Usually in their BDUs’ (battle dress uniform) – yes, learn the lingo. KNOW YOUR TERMS. EDUCATE YOURSELF!! Pay attention to hair cut/style and facial hair. Know what are the regulations for hair in the military. Know if they are active duty then they will have to keep these regulations. Know what information is available. If they tell you that is classified information, they’re lying. If they sound like they are reading from a government/military website to describe their job or rank – they are scamming you.

Military guys talk like eye charts at the doctor’s office… BDU’s, AT Dates, BX, etc.

Military guys also don’t brag about being in the military. They want to talk about other things. Also, if they ask for money because they do not have access to their bank accounts – RUN. Even during deployments they have access to bank accounts, phones, internet, stores, food. Like I said, educate yourself.

I am a military scammers worse nightmare (my ex is military. I dated another branch member and I have a good friend that is in a third branch). They usually block me fairly quickly.

But let’s pretend you believe them.

Red Flags While Online Dating

What other red flags should you look for? They will ask: have you ever been with a military man? Are you currently talking to any other military men? (They don’t want to butt into another’s scam). Oh, my favorite line is: I’m currently deployed, will you wait for me?

Boy, please! I don’t even like waiting for the timer on my microwave to get to zero, why the hell would I wait for you…

Beware of cheaters…. This was a though lesson for me. I fell in love with a serial cheater. I spent seven months with him. My gut told me there was something wrong. I finally figured out what it was… he was engaged. Apparently they had been together for over three-years. I wasn’t the first chick he’d cheated with, but his future-wife continued to forgive him over and over.

There are so many married men on those sites. Know what to look for.

No picture.

No picture means move on!! They are hiding their identify for a reason. One picture is also a red flag. If they tell you that they don’t have a picture because they had to deal with a stalker, call bullshit and move on. These are the guys that haven’t had a date. They are making it seem like there are so many women wanting them. Boy, seriously? Do I look like I was born yesterday?!?

Avoid out of state guys, too. There is a reason they are looking out of state. Yes, another lesson I learned the hard way – the serial cheater was out of state. That way the women in his life did not run into each other.

Ask for current picture once you start chatting. They may have a picture online, but it was from ten years ago – I had that happen to me, too. Got to the date, he looked NOTHING like his picture.

Trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, then block them. You don’t have to justify your reasons. You don’t have to explain yourself. EVER.

Know what you want: Do you want fwb, causal dating, relationship. Ask them what they want. If you don’t want the same things, move on.

Watch out for “separated” guys too. They are separated, but still legally married. That is a big no from me. I don’t touch nor talk to married guys. They lie. They say their wife knows they are on those sites. They play the victim – my wife doesn’t love me/ I’m in a sexless marriage. Again, move on! And watch for red flags – the serial cheater told me over and over that he did not have a girlfriend (at the time I thought it was directed towards me not being his girlfriend. I realize now that it was because he was engaged so he was keeping his lies straight.) He also lied and said he had never cheated.

Online dating is brutal. It is a game. Learn to play the game.

Unwanted Pictures While Online Dating

Be prepared for dick pix. Sorry.

It is going to happen.

You are going to see some nasty stuff while online dating. Prepare yourself.

My first dick pix, I DROPPED MY PHONE. In the effort to catch my phone before it hit the floor I pushed “call contact.” I CALLED HIM.

Let me tell you, he thought I was so excited about that picture that I could not wait to meet up with him… gross.

I was not prepared. I was sweet and innocent. The only one I’d really ever seen had been my ex’s. It was a shock getting a random man send me a picture.

Just don’t open pictures if you are not prepared. Give a fair warning. After that, they are fair game. I’ve seen women send the picture to the guy’s mom or girlfriend/wife. I’ve seen those pictures posted online and mocked by hundreds and thousands of other women. I’ve seen some women save them and send them to other men – that makes the guy leave pretty quick. An insult usually shuts them up. Report them and block them is the best route.

Same goes for you – if you would not share with others, then don’t send it. Don’t send pictures or texts/sexting unless you are completely prepared.

Play the Game. Know the Game.

Be prepared for players.

I know how to play the game. I play it very, very well.

Avoid the guys that say: baby, beautiful, sexy, angel.

I don’t know you. You are not allowed to give me some pet name. Gross. Because you know he is saying that to all the other women.

They use pet names, so they don’t have to remember real names.

Educate yourself of common phrases – they get them from websites and just copy and paste them.

Oh, and if they only focus on looks – you ask what kind of woman they are looking for they automatically say “you” or blonde, big tits, blah, blah, blah… They are wanting a one-night stand.

If they say they love you, they have been waiting to me you, you are so amazing and a wonderful person – RUN.

Sex and Online Dating

Another hard lesson for me, was being ghosted after sex. I felt like a slut. I was so ashamed of myself! How could I wait that long and fall into that trap. Twice actually…

The first guy did sleep with me twice and then ghost. The second guy was engaged. I ended up contacted his chick and sending texts from him as proof.

Hey, we’re human.

People make mistakes.

Consider it as a life lesson – learn from it and move on.

Practice safe sex. You don’t know who else they are doing. You don’t want to have pregnancy be a result of one night of fun. If they say they don’t have one – find one. Bring one with you! Hell, I have a box of condoms at my house. I would bring one with me, just in case. I’m an adult. If I want to have sex, then I want to be safe.

There is nothing wrong with having fun and enjoying yourself. Just make sure that is what you want, and be safe.

Always bring money with you on a date. This is to get yourself a ride if you need to.

Meeting People from Online Dating Sites

So, let’s talk about meeting people online.

What a scary thought, huh? I know.

Get their phone number. Screenshot their profile picture. Tell someone where you are going to be at, who you are meeting – time, place.

I have actually sent a picture of the guy and information about his truck – including the tag information – to someone before.

I have met a guy at his house before – don’t do that. Please. It was not a great situation. It was a dangerous situation, but I learned from it.

Meet in a public place every. single. time.

Have a friend text you randomly to make sure are okay.

If you have a bad feeling during a date – it is okay to leave. I was on one date, he joked about how rape would be fun. I’m not going to lie – I was worried. I was looking for my nearest exit and a possible weapon, if needed.

I don’t recommend first dates to be at a restaurant or at the movies. If you are eating, then you are committed to stay for the entire meal. I don’t like eating in front of people I don’t know. Don’t want them to ditch you after the meal and leave you with the bill.

Arrive before them, and leave after them. Don’t let them see your car. Don’t let them know which direction you are going to be driving from/to. Don’t ride with them – even if you know them. I went on a date with an old high school friend. Got in his car – horrible decision. Don’t do it.

If you have kids – protect your kids. Don’t post pictures of them on those dating sites. I will not chat with a man that has pictures of kids on his profile. Why? Because most of the time those are not even his kids. And, I want a man who is as protective of his kids as I am of mine.

I don’t answer questions about my kid either – until I get to know the person.

My Dad’s Death

November 30, 2018 my dad was heading to work. He was hit head on by another car. My dad was killed on impact. The other driver walked away from the scene with minor injuries. That guy was on four different types of drugs – including meth – at the time of the wreck. He was driving over 100mph.

I write about my dad’s death often. I know people are uncomfortable with death. But I struggle with this. I need an outlet.

I was a daddy’s girl.

I never got to tell my dad “goodbye.” It kills me daily.

Since my dad’s death, the guy that killed him has been in and out of jail numerous times. We are still waiting on the court date to hold him accountable for killing dad.

**Edit**

So, I have read through this post again – hopefully all the grammatical errors are fixed. I added some more information. I tried to keep it kind of organized – in my mind I have these millions of thoughts, and experiences spinning around.

Questions/After Thoughts

So, this was an insanely long post – I know. Thank you for reading it though.

If you have questions or comments leave a comment and I can add it into the post.

Being on Your Own

Someone asked how comfortable people are being on their own post divorce and how comfortable they were during their marriage. The responses were about half and half. Yes, I’m comfortable with living on my own. /No, I’m not comfortable.

Yes, I was comfortable being independent during my marriage./ No, I was not very independent during my marriage.

No matter how long your were married, it is probably going to take some adjusting to your new life.

When I was married, my ex worked nights and slept during the day. If I had to go to the store, majority of the time I went with my daughter while ex slept. I did not drive out of town. If I did, I knew the exact path and did not venture any from it. It took years for me to be comfortable to drive on the interstate without my anxiety paralyzing me. Being in town alone was the same story, if there were too many people I started having a panic attack.

That is why I stayed with him for so long. I could not function – or so I thought – on my own.

It takes a lot of adjusting living alone.

Silence.

The silence when my daughter was with ex drove me insane. I found myself either listening to the TV shows that she watched or sitting in the dark staring at the wall for hours.

Become comfortable with the silence. Give yourself a chance to reflect, relax, and even enjoy moments of silence. More than likely you are always going, always trying to survive. Take a moment. Breath. Relax.

Money.

One positive thing I will say about my ex is he was a workaholic. He always volunteered for overtime. He was always working. He also allowed me to be a stay at home mom for five years. Granted we didn’t have as much money as he is making now, but we survived. We were young. We were comfortable.

This is one area I cannot give any advice. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy just to save money in case something breaks.

I see this being an issue for several divorced individuals.

Do what you have to. You start making choices and changes in your life. Things you thought you needed, you realize you can not afford. You start deciding what you actually need compared to what you just want. My daughter is cared for. I am still wearing the same clothes that I have for almost a decade. They are worn. I cannot justify buying new ones.

Social life.

This is another area where I struggle. I did not have friends while I was married. I never had a girls’ night or a mommy and me group to hang out with. I took care of my daughter, the house, and my husband during my marriage. I sat at home while he would go to drill each month. After he finished on base, he would go out drinking. I remember seeing one receipt where he spent six dollars for a beer and left the waitress a fifteen dollar tip. I was so crushed. I could only imagine what flirting took place.

I see several people make a comment about how they lost friends after the divorce. Remember it is quality not quantity. But definitely make time to stay in contact with your true friends.

Relationships.

Third area that I struggle with… relationships. I have been divorced for five years. I have been done with my ex for about three years. I seriously did not think I would still be single by this time! I decided to do online dating. I thought I could easily find a man. Well… little did I know online dating is full of married men and creeps.

I do want a relationship. I do want to get married again. I don’t know if either will ever happen.

I took about a two week break from online dating. I decided to get back on there yesterday. Immediately, a couple of twenty-one year olds message me – ha!! A married man messages me – NO!! And a gamer messages me – nothing in common.

I guess I am going to continue to give online dating a try. I mean, I want a relationship so I have to make an effort, right? Really doubt Mr. Right is going to knock on my door. I have to go out and try to find him.

Or maybe decide I really just want fwb. Ugh… Sounds fun. But, can I do that? My anxiety, depression, and trust issues – is fwb a good choice for me?

I do miss having a relationship. I miss having an adult to talk to and share with. I miss being married to my best friend.

Identity.

Final thought. After your divorce, it is hard to find your identity. I was always known as ex’s wife, or my daughter’s mom. Never known by my name. Never known for me.

Figure out who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes. Find yourself.

35… Better get better than this.

Image result for 35th birthday meme

So, Happy Birthday to myself. I have now hit mid-thirties, and slowly edging my way to 40.

Most birthdays I think of age as just a number. I don’t feel 35, nor do I look 35. Usually I pass for late twenties or early thirties, which works out perfectly for online dating. This birthday started with me getting ghosted. **Happy Birthday from online dating. Here’s your gift – another guy that isn’t worth the energy or the time** Honestly, the ghosting doesn’t bother me – it used to. I used to take it very personally – what the hell is wrong with me? Now, it’s more like a joke – well, I guess I didn’t make the cut for the next round… next! I am actually trying to be nice and a good person. I did send him a message saying I wish him luck in his dating adventures. I blocked him. I’m not going to beg or chase – I do deserve a man that WANTS to talk to me.

What gets me is… I’m 35. I have one child. I’ve been divorced for 5 years. Is this how my life is going to continue? I wanted another child – but I’m not getting any younger. I wanted to get married again – but I can’t even find a guy and keep his interest longer than two days.

Maybe 35 will brighten up. I have a whole year to make being 35 a fantastic year.

 

Thank you… and Kindness Rocks

Thank You

First off, I want to thank each of you for reading my blog. I was surprised to see 50 people follow me now. I really want to thank those who comment on my posts, too (Think I am caught up on reading and responding to comments).

When I started this blog I really did not expect anyone to show any interest in my journey. I thought of it more as my online journal – something for me to read and reflect on for better self healing and self growth. I made up a name, and found some clip art so I could freely talk about my life. I could talk about and reflect over some risque and really tough issues – depression, anxiety, sex, divorce, self-injury, eating disorders, online dating, co-parenting, suicide. These are thoughts, feelings, and experiences that most people in my life do not even know about.

My parents and my closest friends, for example, do not know I self-injured starting when I was 9. They do not know I was raped at 16. They do not know I pulled a knife on a family friend when I was 17 because this grown man tried to force himself on me. They do not know about my failed suicide attempts. They do not know about the depression that my divorce caused.

My ex-husband knows a lot about me, all of the previously mentioned. He was my best friend. There was one thing I could never tell him… the day of our wedding, I almost left him at the alter. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was making a mistake. I would have ran, but my dad was standing right there waiting to walk me down the aisle. I stayed. I got married. After the ceremony, I found a room where no one was and I fell to the floor and cried so hard that I could not speak. My photographer and groom found me. The photographer told him many brides get emotional. I didn’t say anything.

So, I use this blog as a safe outlet. I can write and cry, if needed. I can relive situations and reflect. So, again, thank you for reading and commenting. It is wonderful support.

Kindness Rocks

I’ve mentioned kindness rocks in my previous posts. For those who are not familiar with the idea: Kindness rocks are where you decorate a rock (I’ve seen painted, temporary tattoos, vinyl, even stickers). You place the rock in a location for a random stranger to find. It is supposed to bring a smile and some happiness to someone. After they find the rock they can either hide that rock for someone else to find, or they can keep it and decorate another rock to hide. The idea is to always have rocks out there for someone to find.

I got into kindness rocks a year ago. It gave my daughter and I something to do, and it is fairly cheap (Just have to find rocks, and buy what ever decorations you want to use. Then the cost of gas to drive around).

My daughter has always loved rocks. In preschool, she would find a pretty rock on the playground and put it in her pocket to bring home. Some days I would forget to check her pockets then I would find rocks in my washer and/or dryer. A few years ago, I took her to a location where we dug for crystals. We found some big, gorgeous crystals. Then these painted rocks were just more to add to her collection.

Most of the time when I paint, I have to paint two. One is for her to keep and one is for her to hide. I used to not do it like that, but she was so broken-hearted having to give up rocks that she really liked that I had painted. She knew it made someone else happy, but she still wanted that same feeling. I understand. So, I paint for her and for us to hide. Yesterday, I painted two for her. 1. Ghostface from the move Scream. 2. A cheerleading themed rock. She loved them!! I didn’t paint any additional ones – we currently have about 20 that need to be hidden. It’s rained for about a week, plus we had a tornado (we are safe. no damage). So, we will hide them sometime in the future.

I found a group online that does Kindness Rocks Pals – kind of like a pen pal, but instead of sending letters you send a kindness rock. I think this will be a wonderful thing for us. There is a place to ask for rocks as a gift (anniversary, birthday, graduation, support during a difficult time). I put in two requests. 1. For my dad – or family in general – his father is getting worse. It is only a matter of time. My dad lost his mother to cancer about 27 years ago. Now, his father is slowly losing his battle to cancer. 2. For my daughter’s 13th birthday. **If  any rocks come to us as gifts, I will post pictures or reactions**

Where I live there is a group that does the kindness rocks. However, there is some negativity amongst this group. Often certain people will hide rocks – and I mean “HIDE” rocks in locations that no one will ever be able to find. Then they get angry and post their anger when the rocks are “found” and no one ever posts about finding the rocks.

Yes, I like the idea of making some rocks harder to find. It is fun to have this game of hide and seek with rocks. Almost a challenging game of I Spy. You have a picture – limited detail in the picture usually – of a location and you have to use your memory, observation skills, and pure dumb luck to find these rocks. But it’s fun. My daughter will take my phone and screen shot some of these pictures. It might be weeks later and we’ll drive by and be like that’s where that one rock was hidden! Sometimes it is still there, sometimes it’s not.

However, the posts about people not posting that they found the rock is uncalled for. Yes, there have been many rocks that my daughter and I have painted (I try to take a picture of EVERY rock we paint before we hide it) and we never see anything about it again. I would like to know the rocks found a good home, brought a smile to someone, shared some kindness. I would like to know if they loved the rock so much that they had to keep it, or if they decided to hide it for someone else. But, that’s not what is important. I did something fun and creative, and nice with my daughter. She is about to be a teenager. I want every opportunity I get to do something fun with her, and to teach her to think about others.

**If anyone does kindness rocks, feel free to post any tips/tricks you use for your rocks**