I never in my wildest dreams do have thought I would STILL be single this long after my divorce. Then again, how hard have I really been trying to find the right person…
One positive thing about still being single, apparently I am teaching my daughter very well. Remember she had a boyfriend? She told him to hit the road after he told her she was not allowed to talk to any other guys. Talk about a proud mama!
I started chatting with a guy online. Attractive guy. He is very articulate. BUT he is just looking for FWB. Of course… (a part of me wants to says okay I deserve some fun. another part of me says why do that to myself)
Well, 2019 ended roughly. I did not get to see my daughter at all on her birthday. It hurt, but I survived. She was tired of going back and forth from the holidays. So, I did what was best for her – not to have to travel back and front back-to-back days.
2020 has been interesting. First, I’m now working a combination of four – yes, four – part-time jobs. I have an interview for another one coming up. I have lost 10lbs. Oh, and my mom has a boyfriend. Don’t know if I am “okay” with it, but it is not my choice. I don’t know anything about him. I’m still single.
I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was difficult for me. I am still angry at myself for letting stupid family drama prevent me from saying ‘goodbye’ to my dad. I know dad forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.
November 30 was one year. Can not believe it has been a year. It still feels like yesterday calling my mom and her saying “dad didn’t make it.” I worked about 16 hours that day. So, I really kept myself distracted. I did cry, but I kept myself together while around others.
There was a pretrial. A deal was made. He agreed to plead guilty to all accounts for 10 years – three years being suspended. So, there will be no jury trial. He will go in front of the judge and see what the judge decides.
I got the new job. I haven’t got to start yet. Let’s hope I get to start soon. I really hope it was the right choice. I have been with the one company for three years, but the new company offers better pay and more benefits for doing pretty much the same thing. It’s just being the new kid takes a while to get assigned for things.
Hmm… nothing new with ex. He is choosing girlfriend’s kids over our daughter. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do.
Dating. Ha. I can’t find anyone worth the time of getting to know. Really hoping one day the right guy walks into my life. But at this rate, the poor bastard must be lost and refusing to ask for directions.
My daughter is doing amazing in school. Last year, she struggled with band. She cried and wanted to quit on a daily basis. I told her EVERYONE hates beginning band – its boring because you are learning notes, chords, and faking it until you make it. It is hell listening to the squeaks and awful noises. It is torture on your body because you are using muscles you’ve never used before. I told her to give it another year. I told her at the beginning of this year after this year if she still wants to quit band then she could. She is halfway through the school year. She LOVES band. She makes 100% on assignments.
It has been extremely difficult here lately. I can’t afford to refill my antidepressants right now. So, I have quit them cold turkey. I feel like shit, honestly. I am fighting several negative thoughts. I have zero energy. My anxiety is sky high. It’s pretty much lead to me being physically ill.
Work has been slow. My paycheck has suffered, which does not help with my mental state right now.
I had to get a new car a couple of months ago. I am drowning in bills. I paid sales tax on the car. I got hit with $600 more than I was expecting.
The guy that killed dad was offered a deal of 15 years. He did not accept the deal. We are waiting for jury trial now. It was supposed to be earlier this month. Well, shit happens. It got postponed AGAIN! Then his POS lawyer told mom’s lawyer that they were making a counter-offer of 10K and 15 years of jail time. Ten of those years are to be postponed. He would only serve five years and be up for parole in three years. Luckily, my mom told them to take their offer and shove it up their ass. So, NOW the jury trial is not scheduled until December. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? November will be a year!! What the hell is wrong with our justice system?!? Let’s hope he will stay in jail until the court date. I’m hoping no bail bondsmen will touch him. We were able to get all previous bails rejected. So, the bondsmen (there have been two thus far) lost their money. Hoping that will make all others refuse him.
Dating… Ha! One of my dating accounts got hacked. I created a new account. I can’t even find anyone that I want to hold a conversation with!!
I just want to scream, cry, and vent. But there’s no one to vent to.
There for a little while, I felt like I was moving forward. Felt like the medication was working. Then… Father’s Day reminders…
I feel like I am stuck on auto pilot. I get up. Go to work. Take care of my daughter. Take her to whatever activity she has. Go to bed.
I don’t sleep well. When I do sleep, I dream about Dad. When I’m trying to fall asleep, my mind will not stop. At work, I am able to get through the day. I find the energy to survive. But, then it is like I am so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained that I just want to go to sleep.
However, there is a positive to the auto pilot stage of my life. I am not desperate with dating. Actually, most days I forget to go online to check if I have any messages. I seem to be more alert to red flags. I don’t bother with “well, maybe he could be worth my time.” Nope. For example, I had one message me every morning: Good morning. Then at night: How was your day. After a couple of days of that, he asked for my number because he loved talking to me so much. Um, what? There was no conversation. The small talk was torture! Had one message me today. Told me his favorite band would either be Brooks and Dunn or Metallica. I am thinking that is a crazy range. I was going to reply back, but then I checked out his profile. Under relationship: living together. Why the hell would I want to put myself in that type of situation?
Today is six months since my dad was killed. Doesn’t seem real – still. I see my dad in my dreams almost nightly. Yesterday was the court date; except, the trial got continued to a later date. The guy that killed dad was arrested, again. This time for getting angry and apparently driving his truck through his girlfriend’s house.
I’m still trying to find a better option for internet at my house so I can actually work from home. I found a optical fiber internet, but it is in the process of being built. Could take awhile… They told me about an wireless option until the fiber is ready, but that is still in the works. But the place in town that I go to for work might be closing down. Even though I have internet at home it is horrible. It is satellite internet; so, if a bird flies too low the internet stops working.
My mom and I still talk on a weekly basis. Some days are harder than others. She brags about how much weight she’s lost – because she doesn’t eat. (Ironically, when I was a teenager and not eating everyone bitched at me.) Yesterday she told me about these cute guys flirting with her. (I am going to be ashamed of myself if my daughter and my mom both get into relationships and I’m still sitting over here single).
Found out the school the youngest sibling has been attending is shutting down permanently – about two weeks before his is supposed to graduate. Not sure that is going to happen with that.
I’m attempting online dating. BUT there are so many scammers and none of the other guys interest me. I find myself bored and unmotivated to attempt a conversation with me.
It’s interesting… When I first started online dating, I was so convinced no one would be interesting in me that I would take whatever attention was given to me. Of course, that lead to some tough life lessons.
I would check the dating sites – to the point where I was so excited when I would get a message. Now, ha! I may check my account once every couple of days. When I see I have an unread messaged I figure it is someone that has to be blocked – most of the time I’m right.
I stay so busy with work, having a teenager, and life in general that I really don’t have time to date. I want to date – I really want to have a relationship, but don’t know when or where I will find the right guy.
Hard to believe tomorrow will mark four months since my dad was killed. It still seems like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I know he is gone, but I still wish that he was here. I still want that opportunity to give him one final hug and tell him that I love him.
My dreams this week have been fairly vivid.
I had a dream that it was seven years in the future and my dad returned. In the dream, I was getting married and was pregnant. He had came back to see my wedding day. There was a fence, on the other side of the fence was a road. In the middle of the road laid my dad’s body. (Keep in mind, I never seen my dad after he was killed. I did not go to his viewing, because I did not want to see the damage that was done during the wreck. I did see the car after the wreck though.) I could see his injuries. His body was twisted and mangled.
Another dream I had was about my ex. He hurt our daughter – I mean severely hurt her – and he told me that I had to wait until the next day to take her to the hospital that way I would have enough time to think of a story to tell the doctors instead of telling them the truth. I take her to the hospital right away. I start telling every nurse I see the truth. I get placed in a room with another nurse while they work on my daughter. I was telling the nurse what happened, and then my ex walks in and immediately starts telling his version of the truth.
**If anyone likes to interpret dreams, please feel free to do so with these.**
Online dating is back to typical losers. I get messages. If any lead to a conversation, it is short lived.
The past few posts of mine have focused on online dating. I was reflecting on how much I’ve changed and how much knowledge/experience I’ve gained over the years through online dating.
I’m the type of person that gives second chances – hell, I give third, fourth, fifth chances (just read any post about my marriage and divorce). I was doing the same thing with online dating. I was ignoring the red flags – if I even knew what would be considered a red flag.
Do not ignore the red flags. Trust me. If you do, you will just get played and hurt – I know from personal experience. If I’d just took notice to the red flags the serial cheater was throwing out then I wouldn’t have slept with an engaged guy.
The guy I went on the date with this past weekend – his red flag was talking about still having feelings for his ex. He also talked about being interested in another chick just for some “fun.” You do not want to get trapped with someone that is not over their ex. They have not worked through their demons and it is just going to be toxic for you. Plus, I’m wanting a relationship. I don’t want to be someone’s booty call. Plus, he also told me he was not a patient person. Next…
I was talking to another – the very talkative guy. Well, comes in RED FLAG… He asked a very dangerous question. How many guys am I currently chatting with? I know what you are thinking, isn’t that a safe and typical question? No. It is a red flag for one of two things. 1. Very insecure. I know because in the past – when I first starting online dating – I wanted to know how many chicks they were chatting with and dating. I was so insecure that I could not handle competition. 2. Control issues. Look, when you are chatting – or even just dating – you are allowed to chat/date with as many people as you want (just don’t confuse them with each other – I have chatted/dated with up to nine different guys at one time. That does get to be a little too much for me.). But you are not in a relationship with any of these people, so chat and date. It is none of their business – in my opinion. I went ahead and told him just him – which actually was the truth. But, honestly, it was not his business. You know he is chatting with others. I didn’t ask. Honestly, I didn’t care. Next…
Had another guy message me. His red flag showed up very quickly. One of his first questions was “do you live alone?” Hate that question! 1. They are looking for a way/place to have sex. 2. I always remember the story I read about the woman that got beaten for four hours. (Don’t know if anyone else seen the story. BUT, this woman met someone online. They chatted for SEVERAL months before meeting in person. She invited him to her place. They had sex and then fell asleep. She woke up to this guy punching her in the face. He beat her for four hours before her screaming got a neighbors attention.) So, I hate that question because you do not want to give these random men the chance to know where you live and that you are alone.
Now, I know I am jaded. I am not denying that fact at all. I’ve also learned my lessons and I refuse to repeat those mistakes. So, I guess I am back to square one. I am currently not chatting with anyone. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.
Last Saturday, I had a date. I wasn’t feeling it with that guy. The fact that he still had feelings for two exes and he told me he was into another chick for some fun was too much. I immediately received another message – from a different guy. We’ve been chatting for a few days now. He is extremely talkative! He types in complete sentences – be still my heart. He so far seems like a decent guy. He asked for my phone number. He sensed hesitation on my part. He told me whenever I felt comfortable enough to give him my number. So, not sure if he is a great player or a very sincere guy.
He owns his own business. He has a teenage daughter. Similar things in common.
I’m kind of interested in meeting this guy.
I think he tried hinting around to asking me out. He asked what movies at the theater I was interested in seeing. I played it off as I didn’t know what was playing at the theater, but I did tell him a movie – that is not out yet – that I do want to see.
I am not going to ask him out. I do want him to ask me out. We’ll see how this week goes.