First Date in Almost a Year

Despite my anxiety telling me to say “no,” and thinking of hundreds of excuses of why I should not go on the date – or things to say to him to get him to cancel – I went on the date.

He was nice enough, I guess. I was not physically attracted to him at all – actually, I don’t even remember what he said his name was. English is not his first language, so there were some barriers and misunderstandings. He talked about two of his exes A LOT. He’s only been doing online dating for a week. Turns out he only wants to have “fun” – yeah, code for sex. He said several times he was not interested in a relationship. Conversation was okay. We talked about different things. He touched my leg – definitely caught me by surprise. We meet on POF. So, when he touched my leg he said “he caught his fish.” Ha – red flag. Sorry, first date – you haven’t caught anything. He wanted to hold his hand. I refused. He asked me if I’ve caught any fish worth keeping; I said no. He told me I was very pretty and he would like to meet again. We did hug as we said goodbye – which was a big step for me. I don’t like close physical contact with random men.

It was nice to get out on a date again. There will not be a second date with him. But a major hurdle passed – I have finally been on a date since the serial cheater.

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Excuses

I mentioned last time that I was starting to chat with someone, but didn’t expect too much from it. Well, this guy asked me out for today.

I should be excited, right?

Instead, what do I do?

I start making excuses. Reasons that meeting today would not be a good idea.

What the hell is wrong with me? I want to date, but finally get asked on a date – the first one in almost a year – and I make up reasons why I can’t go.

Don’t know if I’m worried that I will get played again. Don’t know if I’m really just not interested in going on a date – or maybe I’m just not that interested in him. Don’t know if its just my anxiety getting into my head.

 

Moving Forward

I know I’ve been silent here lately. Life is challenging. Every Friday, I relive getting the call telling my dad is gone forever. Everyday I try to balance work, my daughter, her activities, my own mental health. I have started chatting with someone online again. I don’t expect anything from it, but the point is I am moving forward. I am trying.

The past weekend was very difficult.

First, my computer crashed. Two of my jobs require a working computer. So, I had to go and buy a new computer. Talk about stress. Spending that much and deciding which bills could wait.

Second, a very difficult thing, I changed my social media profile picture. Since my dad’s death, my profile picture has been the last picture of us together. He has been gone for three-and-a-half months. I changed my picture. I still cry thinking about it all. I don’t want to seem like I am forgetting him. I’m not. He crosses my mind hundreds of times a day. I don’t want to be stuck in the past either. My dad loved life. He would want me to love life, too. He would want me to keep moving forward.

Third, dealing with my ex. Sundays are my days with my daughter. They are typically the one day where we are not running from one activity or job. We can relax. We can enjoy spending time together. Well, softball is starting up. Ex asked if he could keep her a little longer on Sunday to take her to the sports store to buy her some gear. I of course said no problem. I mean, she needed equipment. She has outgrown her helmet and cleats. Her facemask got busted last semester when she got hit in the face. Plus, she needed to be there to pick out her equipment. He brings her home with new equipment. Six hours later, ex shows back up at my door wanting her back. Saying she asked him if she could spend the night. I wanted to scream. I seriously wanted to punch him. I fought back anger and tears. I knew he was lying to me. I went ahead and let him take her for the night. I told him not to pull that on me again. I try to do what is best for my daughter. Of course, I would love to have her 24/7.

Time and Healing

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Everyone hears the saying: Time heals everything.

I know when I first got divorced, or right after dad’s death everyone told me “to give it time. You will heal over time.”

In the moment, you want to scream and cry. You want to call bullshit.

When I got divorced, I believed my world had completely crashed around me. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had regrets about divorcing my ex for YEARS!!

I fell into a deep depression. I was physically ill for a few months. I did not function. I finally hit rock bottom and downed all the pills I could find in my house.

I knew I needed help, but ironically there was no one there to help me. I was so scared to go to the doctor. My biggest fear was they would take away my daughter.

I want to say the saying is true. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago if I should have divorced my ex I would have said I’m not sure. Today, I know I made the right choice. I know a part of me still cares about him – not sure if it is because he is the father of my child; he was my first; I’d been with him for 15 years. Another part of me is so happy when I do not have to deal with him.

I know over time it will get easier. I’m hoping the same is true with my dad’s death.

The guy that killed my dad has a court date coming up soon. They are going to see if there is enough evidence to take him to trial for killing dad. Another fear of mine – dad and the entire family will not get justice.

I know there is no set time frame.

Just like with online dating, the first few times I got stood up or ghosted I was so hurt. Now, you ghost me and I block you. No second chances.

Time also makes you wiser. I have learned many life lessons throughout my life, especially over the past six years.

One lesson I learned from was about my depression. I did not want the same thing to happen again, so I talked to my doctor this time.

Online Dating Makes You Less Empathetic

Hope everyone survived Valentine’s Day. Mine was just another day. I gave my daughter a gift. I avoided social media for the most part – get so tired of seeing everyone post flowers, candy, gifts, rings. Had parent-teacher conferences, ex came, but my daughter has straight A’s. I’m so proud of her. She is absolutely amazing!

So, back to my original point – Online dating makes you less empathetic. Agree? Disagree?

With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, the news had a story about how to avoid scams with online dating. This one victim gave her suitor over $50,000. She said she was a caring person. She wanted to help.

I remember when I first joined the world of online dating. I wanted to be empathetic to everyone. I gave second chances when guys stood me up on dates. I was caring.

I was stupid.

Almost four years experience with online dating I have found myself to be less empathetic towards these guys.

For example, I had on message me that he was going through “a very, very sad time” because he just lost his girlfriend of three years. Now, if a friend was going through a sad time I would ask them to talk to me – lost because of a break-up? lost due to death?

This guy? Hell no. *BLOCK* Red flags screamed at me.

First scenario, let’s say the girlfriend died. That is a common scam. Usually the wife/girlfriend dies in a car wreck. Let’s pretend she really did die and it was not a scam. Hell, I’m still working through my dad’s death (car wreck ironically enough) why would I torture myself right now to try to “fix” a guy.

Second scenario, he lost her due to a break-up. No thanks! If you are not over your ex, I am not interested!! These guys are lonely and just want a warm body to jump into bed with. They don’t care about you, just them.

See, online dating makes you less empathetic. Almost have to take a break just to avoid becoming a cold-hearted bitch…

Pushy Guys

I don’t care if you’ve been trying online dating for one hour or one year, you are going to come across some pushy guys (and girls). I’ve had my online dating accounts for almost four years now – WOW. That’s insane to say that number out loud – and I still deal with pushy guys.

Okay. First off, know what you want. If you want casual sex, friends with benefit, a relationship – whatever – know what you want and don’t be pressured into anything other than that.

Second, protect yourself. Common sense don’t provide personal information online. Make sure you meet in public. Make sure someone knows where you are when you are meeting someone.

Third, don’t take it personally. You have to have thick skin to handle online dating. Seriously.

So, I received a message from this one guy. He had several pictures of himself, but I still had a feeling about him. We exchanged a couple of messages – I was watching for red flags of a scammer. His grammar was deceit (he used “cuz” and that drove me insane! We are not junior high students anymore.) Then the red flag – he asked for my phone number.

Now, some might think that if we were exchanging messages then exchanging phone numbers would be a good idea to continue to the conversation. NO! I haven’t handed out my number in years. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

My favorite app to use is kik. You don’t have to use your phone number or email address (Skype connected to my email information. Viber connected to my actual phone number. Google Hangouts connected to my google account.) kik is free to download. You create an ID and password. You can call, text, video chat, and exchange photos with kik. It is easy to block people. It is fairly user friendly.

Anyway, this guy asked for my phone number. I declined. He continued by saying he’s not on that site very often so texting would be easier. That’s the trap. You think you are missing this opportunity to continue to talk to someone – maybe “the one” – if you do not give them your phone number. Nah. You’re not missing out on anything. They are still going to be on that site. Once you give them your phone number they are able to access your real name and physical address. Also, if your Facebook is connected to your phone number then they can find you there.

I offered my kik. He ignored and still asked for my phone number. Bye boy.

Dating Dilemma

I was thinking about this yesterday: my dating dilemma.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner you can’t go anywhere without being reminded of the holiday – there’s all the commercials, posts on social media, the stores are proudly displayed of gifts, candy, and subtle reminders.

I’ve never liked the holiday. I get the history of the holiday – liked learning about that – but I mean today it seems like it is a game to see who’s lover displays their love the best.

When I was married, it was ironic… Ex would bitch about my weight and then buy me a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

Okay, I digress.

It is hard to believe that in April will mark one year since I’ve been on a date. April will also mark one year since I’ve had sex.

Okay, Okay… I’ve gone longer than a year before. After I finished with ex, it was eighteen months before I had sex with the guy from online – those who’ve read my past posts will remember this is the guy I knew for less than two weeks and then he ghosted me. At the time, I was so angry with myself. How could I throw logic and common sense out the window?!? I went to a guy’s house that I did not know – and no one knew where I was. I had unprotected sex with him. I absolutely HATED myself for that stupid stunt!! Ironically, eighteen months later I found the serial dater – another guy I have written many posts about – and had sex with him. Even though I hate that I ignored the red flags with the serial dater, I did stay smart about the situation – someone had an idea of where I was, and we always used protection.

I’m actually tired of the dating apps. I spend more time blocking guys then I actually do chatting with anyone. There’s the one that I’ve been chatting with, but he’s gone silent too. I’m sure he will resurface. But, honestly, I don’t care either way. It’s nice to have someone to chat with about random things, but I’m definitely not going to chase him.

So, I know what you are thinking: if you’re tired of the online dating sites, then delete them. True, true. But I live in a small town. So, without the apps I really don’t see me ever going on a date again. ha-ha.