People always talk about the terrible two’s. Oh please, the toddler years are a cake walk compared to raising a teenager.
I knew having a teen would be a challenge. I was a horrible teenager. I knew my kid would probably make me pay for my sins.
She overall is a good kid. She is a straight A student. She does sports. She is outgoing. She does not smoke, drink, or do drugs. She’s not sneaking out or having sex.
But the attitude, sass, and the lack of passion kills me. I can not find things that light a fire in her. With COVID-19, everything is closed or cancelled. So, 4-H and dance are having virtual class/events. I can not get her to participate. She loves her phone, but not for those things.
I suggested she read books on camera so we could post them – to be a community service project. No.
I found a free art class. No.
Write a letter/e-mail to people in a nursing home. No.
Write a thank you note to essential workers. No.
Amazingly, I have been able to get her off of her phone to play some board games with me.
I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about the virus. I know I am, but having joint custody of my daughter during this time is so stressful. I have no control on what ex does when she is with him. I hate it. Last weekend he went to see his parents. His mom lives with his sister during the week. Of course, where sister live has been hit pretty hard. I get they might not have the virus, but can we just pretend everyone has it and stay away from each other for a couple of weeks…
I have learned my daughter is addicted to her phone. I mean ADDICTED to her phone. The other day she was hateful and sassy with everything I said or did. I gave up and took her phone as punishment – I normally don’t do that (actually it is rare if I have to punish her). She cried and screamed. She had the shakes. She begged for it. She told me I was a horrible mom. So, I guess I need to start forcing her to sit the phone down to try to break the addiction. I get it. She’s a teenager. She hasn’t been in school for a few weeks. The phone is her only chance to socialize. Still no reason to be a pain in the ass like that towards me.
Overall, I guess we are handling it okay. I am used to social distancing. I’ve been a loner my whole life. I like social distancing. It is strange not to be running my daughter to different activities though.
My mom contacted me. Told me she was taking my one brother one vacation with her. They were going on a week long vacation. She then took me by surprise and asked if my daughter and I would like to go. Of course a million of questions hit me at once. Before I could ask too many questions, she started giving a little more information. I would have to drive ourselves, because she is driving both of my brothers and nephew. Apparently, she is paying for them. So, we would have to pay for ourselves.
The time frame does not work because my daughter has events/activities/camps. Plus, taking a week off from work – yikes! I told her I couldn’t. The time is not good and I didn’t have the money. BIG MISTAKE. Then she starts trying to guilt me. “Don’t you have extra money set aside. This is what I do….” “Aren’t you going to get a refund from taxes? You come use that.” “I just want all of us to be together.”
Would I love to go on a vacation? Yes!
So, got me to thinking. Maybe, my daughter and I could take a mini-vacation. I got to looking at ideas. I found something cool that I might be able to afford. I could make a day trip of it, but I could also book a hotel and us stay overnight to make it a little longer. So, now it is a matter of seeing how much it would cost and if I will have the money.
If I did not have to make car payments, money would not be so tight. These car payments are killing me. I can’t attempt to refinance for another 18 months (I know, because I’ve talked to the bank. They couldn’t give me a better deal. Told me to try again in 18 months).
Well, 2019 ended roughly. I did not get to see my daughter at all on her birthday. It hurt, but I survived. She was tired of going back and forth from the holidays. So, I did what was best for her – not to have to travel back and front back-to-back days.
2020 has been interesting. First, I’m now working a combination of four – yes, four – part-time jobs. I have an interview for another one coming up. I have lost 10lbs. Oh, and my mom has a boyfriend. Don’t know if I am “okay” with it, but it is not my choice. I don’t know anything about him. I’m still single.
Ex texted our daughter last night saying he was offered a new job. Honestly, I don’t see him taking it. But if he does then I guess I am going to have to get a lawyer.
The job offer is across the country. Okay, ex already works in another state – which I’m pretty sure not allowed in our divorce papers. BUT he found a loop hole – he moved in with girlfriend. So, even though he works out of state, he receives mail at a local address. So I’m sure the courts would say he still is applying to the divorce decree. In our divorce papers it says we can not move within “x” miles. Now moving across country I am going to have to fight this – not that I want him around. Life is so much easier when he is not here. My daughter doesn’t have a hateful attitude. I don’t have to worry about his drama. But, come on… I know he would want to fly her across the country at times. With all of her activities that would be a challenge. So, I would have to get a lawyer to fight for custody arrangements. Next, the job offer pays more than I have made in my entire life. So, yeah, lawyer would be need to fight for child support. If his income is that much more than mine – I barely survive (that’s not an exaggeration. My income is considered so low that the government sees it as nontaxable.)
Now, in reality I don’t see him taking the job. But it is adding unnecessary stress and worry. I did ask my daughter how she felt about what ex texted, she said she didn’t know – typical teenager answer.
I am not a selfish type of person. I put others in front of myself all the time. I bend over backwards to accommodate ex’s schedule. I drive hours to visit family. I fill in on short notice to help a friend at work.
Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday. I have not been there since April. I wanted to go with my daughter. So that is what I did. We went there and looked at dad’s grave decorations. We added our own Christmas decorations. We took pictures. We had fun. We spent over thirty minutes there. Then I headed to my parents’ house. Mom was at church. So, we sat outside and played with the dog. We waited outside for maybe twenty minutes – no big deal. We were entertained and having fun. Mom gets to her house and is annoyed that I didn’t text or call her so she could have left church early. I told her it was no big deal. We were just playing with the dog and looking at the pictures we’d took of the cemetery.
Oops. Shouldn’t have said that. She gets mad immediately. She asked why I went to the cemetery. Why couldn’t everyone go together.
First off, I wanted to go with my daughter. Just us. Everyone else lives in the same town, so they can go visit the cemetery anytime they want. I don’t get that opportunity. I wanted it to be us. Secondly, it was never stated that the entire family would go to the cemetery. I know better than to assume anything without it being stated and confirmed. Third, I did say I wanted to go to the cemetery. She never said “okay” or “we’ll all go together.”
So, selfish or not… I DON’T CARE. I did what I wanted for once without concern of others.
I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was difficult for me. I am still angry at myself for letting stupid family drama prevent me from saying ‘goodbye’ to my dad. I know dad forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.
November 30 was one year. Can not believe it has been a year. It still feels like yesterday calling my mom and her saying “dad didn’t make it.” I worked about 16 hours that day. So, I really kept myself distracted. I did cry, but I kept myself together while around others.
There was a pretrial. A deal was made. He agreed to plead guilty to all accounts for 10 years – three years being suspended. So, there will be no jury trial. He will go in front of the judge and see what the judge decides.
I got the new job. I haven’t got to start yet. Let’s hope I get to start soon. I really hope it was the right choice. I have been with the one company for three years, but the new company offers better pay and more benefits for doing pretty much the same thing. It’s just being the new kid takes a while to get assigned for things.
Hmm… nothing new with ex. He is choosing girlfriend’s kids over our daughter. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do.
Dating. Ha. I can’t find anyone worth the time of getting to know. Really hoping one day the right guy walks into my life. But at this rate, the poor bastard must be lost and refusing to ask for directions.
My daughter is doing amazing in school. Last year, she struggled with band. She cried and wanted to quit on a daily basis. I told her EVERYONE hates beginning band – its boring because you are learning notes, chords, and faking it until you make it. It is hell listening to the squeaks and awful noises. It is torture on your body because you are using muscles you’ve never used before. I told her to give it another year. I told her at the beginning of this year after this year if she still wants to quit band then she could. She is halfway through the school year. She LOVES band. She makes 100% on assignments.
Yesterday, was a challenging day for several reasons.
It was the first Thanksgiving without dad. It was a year since I’ve seen my dad alive. Regrets and memories from last year started first thing yesterday morning. Hating myself for leaving without saying goodbye last year. I never imagined that would be the last time I would ever see him.
It definitely wasn’t the same without him there. Typically, dinner is us sitting around the table eating, telling stories, and laughing. Besides some conversation with my brother and of course with my daughter, there was no talking. Besides taking snapchat filtered pictures with my daughter, there was no laughing. It was horrible.
I did not get to go to his grave because the weather was horrible. I wouldn’t have been able to get to his grave. I’m hoping Christmas has nice weather. I would like to sit at his grave for a little while.
Driving in the bad weather made my anxiety so bad. I was shaking. I feared wrecking my car.
I did have a wonderful time with my daughter. Too bad she’s with ex for a few days now.
I know it seems like anytime I post here lately it is grief and anger, but today includes some great – and unexpected – news.
My daughter has been offered a full expense paid for a week long health/fitness workshop in Washington D.C.
I think that is incredible. I had looked into the workshop a few weeks ago, but the price tag was scary.
I haven’t had a chance to tell her yet, because she is with ex. I hope I can talk her into it. I know being on an airplane for the first time scares her. I know going across country without me will probably worry her. I know missing three days of school will stress her out a little.
Would I be a “bad” parent if I still want her to go?
It has been extremely difficult here lately. I can’t afford to refill my antidepressants right now. So, I have quit them cold turkey. I feel like shit, honestly. I am fighting several negative thoughts. I have zero energy. My anxiety is sky high. It’s pretty much lead to me being physically ill.
Work has been slow. My paycheck has suffered, which does not help with my mental state right now.
I had to get a new car a couple of months ago. I am drowning in bills. I paid sales tax on the car. I got hit with $600 more than I was expecting.
The guy that killed dad was offered a deal of 15 years. He did not accept the deal. We are waiting for jury trial now. It was supposed to be earlier this month. Well, shit happens. It got postponed AGAIN! Then his POS lawyer told mom’s lawyer that they were making a counter-offer of 10K and 15 years of jail time. Ten of those years are to be postponed. He would only serve five years and be up for parole in three years. Luckily, my mom told them to take their offer and shove it up their ass. So, NOW the jury trial is not scheduled until December. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? November will be a year!! What the hell is wrong with our justice system?!? Let’s hope he will stay in jail until the court date. I’m hoping no bail bondsmen will touch him. We were able to get all previous bails rejected. So, the bondsmen (there have been two thus far) lost their money. Hoping that will make all others refuse him.
Dating… Ha! One of my dating accounts got hacked. I created a new account. I can’t even find anyone that I want to hold a conversation with!!
I just want to scream, cry, and vent. But there’s no one to vent to.