Auto Pilot

There for a little while, I felt like I was moving forward. Felt like the medication was working. Then… Father’s Day reminders…

I feel like I am stuck on auto pilot. I get up. Go to work. Take care of my daughter. Take her to whatever activity she has. Go to bed.

I don’t sleep well. When I do sleep, I dream about Dad. When I’m trying to fall asleep, my mind will not stop. At work, I am able to get through the day. I find the energy to survive. But, then it is like I am so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained that I just want to go to sleep.

However, there is a positive to the auto pilot stage of my life. I am not desperate with dating. Actually, most days I forget to go online to check if I have any messages. I seem to be more alert to red flags. I don’t bother with “well, maybe he could be worth my time.” Nope. For example, I had one message me every morning: Good morning. Then at night: How was your day. After a couple of days of that, he asked for my number because he loved talking to me so much. Um, what? There was no conversation. The small talk was torture! Had one message me today. Told me his favorite band would either be Brooks and Dunn or Metallica. I am thinking that is a crazy range. I was going to reply back, but then I checked out his profile. Under relationship: living together. Why the hell would I want to put myself in that type of situation?

Life’s Challenges

Today is six months since my dad was killed. Doesn’t seem real – still. I see my dad in my dreams almost nightly. Yesterday was the court date; except, the trial got continued to a later date. The guy that killed dad was arrested, again. This time for getting angry and apparently driving his truck through his girlfriend’s house.

I’m still trying to find a better option for internet at my house so I can actually work from home. I found a optical fiber internet, but it is in the process of being built. Could take awhile… They told me about an wireless option until the fiber is ready, but that is still in the works. But the place in town that I go to for work might be closing down. Even though I have internet at home it is horrible. It is satellite internet; so, if a bird flies too low the internet stops working.

My mom and I still talk on a weekly basis. Some days are harder than others. She brags about how much weight she’s lost – because she doesn’t eat. (Ironically, when I was a teenager and not eating everyone bitched at me.) Yesterday she told me about these cute guys flirting with her. (I am going to be ashamed of myself if my daughter and my mom both get into relationships and I’m still sitting over here single).

Found out the school the youngest sibling has been attending is shutting down permanently – about two weeks before his is supposed to graduate. Not sure that is going to happen with that.

I’m attempting online dating. BUT there are so many scammers and none of the other guys interest me. I find myself bored and unmotivated to attempt a conversation with me.

Hair Drama and Summer Camp

Image result for parenting a teenager meme

I have gotten more gray hair since my daughter has turned thirteen. It is a new adventure having a teenager. The attitude is challenging.

My once social butterfly does not want to do anything now. I drag her to 4-H. I tell her she can’t quit softball. She just wants everything to come easily to her. If something is challenging she wants to quit. She wants to play on her phone and be left alone.

Once I get her to 4-H, she has so much fun. Once I get her to softball, she is amazing.

So, I don’t know if I’m a great parent or a horrible parent… I signed my daughter up for two summer camps this year. She’s been going to summer camp for the past three or four years. She has tried a junior camp, a science camp, and a craft camp. She loved the craft camp last year and is wanting to go to it again this year. So I signed her up for it. Then I noticed that the craft camp ends on a Wednesday and that Thursday an adventure camps starts. At the adventure camp they do wall climbing, zip lining, ropes courses. Things my daughter would absolutely love. I talked to the camp director and have it worked out where I can just drop my daughter off at the craft camp on Monday and pick her up at the end of the adventure camp on Saturday – the camps are a few hours away and I didn’t see a reason to drive back and forth on back to back days. I have not told my daughter about it yet. She is aware of the camp, but she is not aware she is signed up for it.

I don’t know how she will respond. Worse case scenario, I will drop her off at camp and say see you in a week.

It is not like I am shipping her off for the entire summer. It is not like I am putting her in a camp that she would find boring.

So, parenting win or parenting fail… not sure… yet.

Then, there was hair drama yesterday with my daughter and ex. He told her he would pay for her to get her hair done. In his mind, twenty dollars for a hair cut. In her mind, $100 for a cut and ombre hair style…

So, their texts/conversation consisted of the two of them getting angry at the other one. My daughter screaming and crying. My ex cussing.

I’m on the fence about the situation. 1. that is a lot to get your hair done, but it is not like she will go back over and over to do it again. 2. ex did tell her he would pay for her to get her hair done.