Going to the funeral yesterday was fairly emotional. There were pictures of my grandfather with my dad. Talk about a break down. Luckily, I had a mask on so could hide my crying. By the end of the funeral my mask was soaked. Felt like I was water boarding myself… We went to the cemetery and got some family pictures. After everything was finished, my daughter and I got in the car and she said “I have something to show you.” I look at her and she flips a septum piercing. I about lost my shit right there! It is 100% real. She did not ASK me. She did not mention anything to me about it. She got it done the night before. Ex’s girlfriend’s kid did the piercing. Holy shit! What?!? Ex doesn’t know about it. My daughter said she did not tell me or ask me beforehand because I’m not a fan of septum piercings. Well, we had a few hours to discuss it on our drive home. I explained I was pissed because she did not ask beforehand. Talked about dangers of having someone who is not a professional modify your body. (which the girl is almost 18. she wants to be a professional piercer. she does have an actually piercing kit and my daughter said everything was sterile and gloves were used.) After the shock, I asked her if she likes it. She told me she wasn’t sure and was thinking about taking it out. I told her to give it a week. She if she likes it and if she decides she doesn’t then take it out. But I would hate for her to take it out and then decide she wants it pierced again. The jewelry she has right now is too big – she agreed. Told her we would have to get a smaller piece of jewelry, but if she likes it then okay. BUT SHE BETTER NOT GET ANYTHING ELSE PIERCED OR TATTOOED WITH TALKING TO ME FIRST.
First time I have logged in since April. Wow! It have been a crazy past four months. I have spent my time trying to survive. Thanks to COVID a couple of my jobs were put on hold for awhile. Actually, they haven’t even started back up yet. So, luckily, I still have the one job – ironically my newest job – has been very steady during everything. Thankfully. Means I am still able to buy food and pay my bills. We have tried to stay home and stay safe. My daughter told me I was a horrible mom because I would not let her do anything over the summer. I will gladly take her being pissed off at me if that means she is safe.
As things have started slowly opening back up I have eased up a little on her too. For example, she has stayed with a friend. I know the family and know they have be fairly cautious.
I also found a gym for my daughter to attend to continue to practice cheer and tumbling. This gym goes over the top with safety, so I feel confident sending her. Despite COVID, the gym has been amazing for my daughter. Over the summer, she actually did a back walkover and a back handspring. I’m excited to see what else she is going to be able to conquer with these coaches. They wanted her to do competitive cheer with them, but she made the school cheer squad this year and the coach said anyone that does competitive cheer while on her squad would be kicked off – which would make them unable to try out for cheer next year too. So, I told my daughter next year she can do competitive cheer and school cheer (she’ll be with a different coach. Also, it is not a rule with the organiaztion that girls cannot do both.)
I managed to get her to stay focused on her distance learning school work for the remainder of last year. This year I opted for on site learning. I know that is the best choice for my daughter. I hope people stay safe. Not a clue how long school will stay open. However, she is taking four AP classes and a foreign language class — she needs to be in school to help with learning. Plus, I have started seeing signs of depression in her as the months have gone on. I know it is from not getting to be a teenager and get out.
I started trying to learn a new language. Found an app to use. I have been practicing German and Spanish. Is it working? Eh. I feel like I can read and listen, but not sure if I can converse with others yet.
I am still single. I haven’t tried to date during all of this. I may chat with someone for a day or so, but that’s about it. I’m currently chatting with someone. Really don’t see it going anywhere. Actually, I figure it will die down in the next day or so. Conversation is slow and almost forced. I refuse to be the one keeping the conversation alive. I have stopped chasing. I had one ghost me and then reappear a month later wanting to meet up. Ha, not happening!
Tomorrow is going to be a challenge. My grandfather died a few weeks ago. We knew it was coming. He had stage 4 cancer. It was getting really bad. The funeral is finally tomorrow. We had to wait for several weeks because multiple people tested positive and where in quarantine. Tomorrow will be the first time I’ve been in my hometown since Christmas. It will be the first funeral I’ve been to since my dad’s. We have COVID to worry about; so there’s that added stress. And the thought that everyone on my dad’s side of the family is gone now. He will be buried next to dad so at least I will get to visit dad’s grave while I’m done. But this will not be a visit where we can sit and visit. It is going to be interesting. Hope I am making the right choice of taking my daughter and myself there. She handled me telling her about grandpa’s death fairly well. She cried for a minute. She’s talked about him over the past few weeks. Not sure how she will handle tomorrow. I have been fairly numb. Not really because of his passing. Like I said, we knew it was coming, but still doesn’t make it easier. But flashbacks of my dad’s death and funeral hit me over and over.
it’s official, the remainder of the school year will be distance learning. my daughter is not happy about the decision. i understand her frustration. i also understand the reasoning behind the ruling.
the new challenge is getting her to continue to do her school work. the district made the announcement that grades can not/will not decrease during distance learning, but grades can increase/improve based on the amount of effort and work put into the assignments. i help her with her work, especially math and English. i want and need her to continue with the work. she, being a typical teen, is burnt out on doing it.
i tried to make argument on why she should continue. don’t know if i was heard.
my daughter is smart. she’s a great student. she is taking high school classes even though she is in 8th grade. the goal is to graduate valedictorian of her class. i know she has the potential to do it, with on site instruction. this distance learning…. crisis learning… is for the birds.
oh, and i am sick of everyone calling it homeschooling. No, people. homeschooling is cratered to the student. parks, zoos, and museums are available. not during crisis learning.
Ever feel like you are being pulled in multiple directions all at once?
That is my life right now.
I am currently working four jobs. They are all part-time. I plan on leaving the one in a couple of months (just waiting for my contract to end – don’t want to leave before the end of the signed contract). But, I had to find a job to replace that one. The main reason I am leaving is they did a company wide pay cut. I lost $3hr. So, the new job pays more plus offers bonuses – let’s hope this new job works out.
Plus, my daughter is crazy busy. Not to mention she is getting ready to take her driving test. Yikes.
I have stopped taking my medication. Overall, I am functioning well without.
I am still single. I have started trying online dating again… typical story there. But, I am very proud of myself. I know what I want. I know what I am looking for. If I see ANY red flags, I’m out. I am not messing with that mess any more.
Oh, since January 1st, I have lost a total of 16lbs. I am so proud of myself! I actually have started to notice my clothing fitting differently.
Ex is getting deployed during this year. I’m excited that I will not have to deal with drama.
It’s been about a month since I’ve posted anything on here.
I’m still surviving. Some days it is more challenging than others.
There’s still pointless drama with ex. I really don’t talk to him – face to face nor text. However, he still causes drama with our daughter.
I decided to be the bigger person and contact mom. It had been a month since I’d talked to her. The last time she called me was to accuse me of tagging dad in spam on social media – which my account was hacked.
I stay busy with my daughter’s activities and work.
I have to go back to the doctor this month to do a follow-up for my antidepressants. I know I need them. But I feel like I am losing my mind with them. I forget things easily. I will be driving and complete forget where I am going. I have to put EVERYTHING in my phone to help me remember.
I did do a makeover on my daughter’s room while she was at camp. It looks very cool. It’s shades of blue, black, and silver with various shapes with white outlines. She is in love with her room.
I ended up wrecking my car. I hydroplaned and ended up hitting a few trees. My daughter walked away without a single scratch. My injuries were minor. I had a tibia contusion and a hematoma.
I got a very nice rent car while I waited for the insurance. Actually, I liked my rental so much, I went out and found a car like it to buy. The payments are more than I really wanted, but I’m hoping it works out. The car only has 22k miles. So, fingers crossed I will not have to worry about car issues for a long time.
The payments do worry me, especially since my employer cut everyone’s pay – I took a $3/hr pay cut. Talk about wanting to cry.
My patience with my ex-husband has pretty much ran out. I really think whatever love I had left for him is completely gone. His most recent stunt was the final nail in the coffin. Our daughter was with him. He took girlfriend’s kid to the dentist while girlfriend was at work. He left our daughter at girlfriend’s house with her teenager. (Okay, so far no issues… wait for it). He told my daughter not to respond to any of my calls or texts until he got back to the house. WHAT?!? He was supposed to be bringing her back to me at 9am. At 10am, I still hadn’t heard back from either of them. I tried calling him and his phone was turned off. I finally got a text from him saying he would bring her back in a little bit. (that doesn’t tell me anything). He finally brings her home. I made my daughter go into the house. I told ex if he ever tells our daughter not to respond to me or to lie to me again I will go to the cops to file a compliant. He’s excuse? He didn’t want me to “bitch” at him for leaving our daughter at the house without him there. (hmmm… news flash… he does it ALL the time.)
I am still taking my antidepressants. Some days I find the energy and motivation to get up and do things. Other days, it takes everything I have to force myself to crawl out of bed.
This past week has been very trying.
I had someone hack into my bank account. I’m still trying to fight those charges. I have my email setup where you have to get permission from my phone first. Someone has been trying to hack into my email account.
I had a random person message me on social media. They asked if the person killed in November was my dad. Said they knew the man that was driving and hopes he rots in jail. They wanted information about a trial.
Talk about red flags. I don’t know this person. I did not respond. First off, they are friends with this guy and his late wife. Second, trial information is available to the public so don’t ask me information. Third, how fucking cold can you be to message someone about this situation.
HOPEFULLY all the scammers are done trying to fuck up my life. I don’t know if I can take much more.
Then, I hate to admit it, but I got my feelings hurt bad. My daughter keeps asking what time her dentist appointment is and telling me to tell ex so he can be there. Ex hasn’t even asked. So, I’m worrying why is it so important that he be there?!? I find out it is because ex told her that he would ask the dentist about braces for her. Hell, I can do that – actually I have already took the steps needed to have her checked. Ex thinks he is going to walk in and ask for the dentist to look at her teeth and ask for braces and get to be a hero. When in reality, the dentist that is there isn’t even the one that has to be talked to about the possibility of braces. So, I have it set up for her appointment for the one dentist to look at her teeth. If he thinks braces might be needed then I already have a consultation day set up with the correct dentist.
My feelings are hurt because I would – and do – bend over backwards for my daughter. I go through all of this and I don’t get acknowledged. She is so set on having ex there. But does she act the same way to make sure I would be somewhere? I don’t know.
I know, I know. Parenting is hard. You do things without a thank you or acknowledgment. That is life. That is what it takes to be a good parent. I know ex is her father. I know it is not a competition. But I still feel hurt by the situation.
Just when I think “Okay, I’ve got this. I can handle it.” BOOM, something else happens.
Today’s “challenge”… someone hacked into my bank account. I have transactions I did not make. I AM NOT HAPPY!!
I am also not thinking clearly, because I was calling the bank thinking “why the hell are they NOT opened?!?” Oh, it’s the fucking weekend…
Then to kill time, I got online to check out online dating sites. My annoyance level is already high. Then I get several messages. I’m currently biting my tongue and just deleting them.
I am noticing some improvements. I guess the medication is working. I called my mom over the weekend. It’s strange, when dad was alive I rarely talked to mom. Now, I feel like I need to check on her. Anyway, I called her over the weekend. She talked to me about her doctor’s appointment. Since dad’s death, she is diagnosed with depression. She is also diagnosed with Anxiety and Panic Syndrome. She was telling me about her symptoms and that she was going to take it upon her self to change her dosage instead of talking to the doctor. I left like it was time I told her some about me. I told her I am diagnosed with Anxiety and Stress Disorder and I am also diagnosed with depression. I told her my experience with the medication. I told her the importance to discuss it with her doctor.
It felt like a relief telling someone about my mental health. I have been feeling like I have to be strong even though I want to break. I want to crawl back into bed and say “screw the day.” It felt good to say hey, we all have rough days and dealing with dad’s death was almost too much for me to handle.
That is another improvement I see. I want to talk about dad. I want to talk about what happen. Mom doesn’t. She refused to talk about the accident. She gets choked up anytime she talks about dad. I want embrace this new normal. I miss my dad so much. And I still hate that I never got to say goodbye, but I want to embrace this life. I want to visit his grave site. I want to do things to honor his memory. Some days I cry. Some days I think it was all a dream. I find myself wanting to call him to brag about an award I received at work and having to stop as I’m dialing the phone.
I can’t bring myself to delete him from my contacts yet. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to change my profile picture online – it is a picture of dad and me (the last picture of us together). That is one area I am still struggling. I don’t want to erase him from my life. I feel like it is so permanent if I do. No one else wants to talk about him.
There for awhile, I battled with myself: do I love my ex? do I hate him?
There are days that I seriously hate him. I hate him for cheating. I hate him for being a workaholic while we were married, but not with girlfriend. I hate him for not being the father I wanted for our daughter, but he stepped into that father role for girlfriend’s kids. I hated him because when we were together he never wanted to do anything, but now he always has something planned for girlfriend and kids. I hated him because he never supported me – I don’t mean money. I mean with my job, with life, with my mental struggles.
I could keep going.
But, of course there were things that I loved about him, too. I mean of course I loved him or I wouldn’t have married him. I wouldn’t have had a child with him. I wouldn’t have spent 15 years of my life with him.
Last night left me feeling confused about us. Were we flirting? Were we just being friends? Were we co-parenting?
Last night was an awards banquet. Ex came. It wasn’t horrible. We talked. We laughed. We joked with each other. We never got mad or had any issues. The banquet was almost four hours long. Ex was on his phone for a little bit – I’m sure messaging girlfriend – but overall, he was present. He put his phone down and was in the moment – something that he would not do when we were together.