Possible New Job

Ex texted our daughter last night saying he was offered a new job. Honestly, I don’t see him taking it. But if he does then I guess I am going to have to get a lawyer.

The job offer is across the country. Okay, ex already works in another state – which I’m pretty sure not allowed in our divorce papers. BUT he found a loop hole – he moved in with girlfriend. So, even though he works out of state, he receives mail at a local address. So I’m sure the courts would say he still is applying to the divorce decree. In our divorce papers it says we can not move within “x” miles. Now moving across country I am going to have to fight this – not that I want him around. Life is so much easier when he is not here. My daughter doesn’t have a hateful attitude. I don’t have to worry about his drama. But, come on… I know he would want to fly her across the country at times. With all of her activities that would be a challenge. So, I would have to get a lawyer to fight for custody arrangements. Next, the job offer pays more than I have made in my entire life. So, yeah, lawyer would be need to fight for child support. If his income is that much more than mine – I barely survive (that’s not an exaggeration. My income is considered so low that the government sees it as nontaxable.)

Now, in reality I don’t see him taking the job. But it is adding unnecessary stress and worry.  I did ask my daughter how she felt about what ex texted, she said she didn’t know – typical teenager answer.

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Christmas and Co-parenting

You would think I would be used to sharing holidays with my ex by now. I’ve been divorced for six years, but it is still difficult. I see all of these pictures of families posting Christmas eve pictures and complaining the kids will not go to bed. I want to say “at least you have your kiddo with you for Christmas Eve.” I don’t say anything. I know the important thing is my daughter is happy and taken care of. I have to keep my feelings to myself. I just know that in just a few short years she will be all grown and I will probably still be single. So, I will still be spending the holidays alone.

Selfish or Not?

I am not a selfish type of person. I put others in front of myself all the time. I bend over backwards to accommodate ex’s schedule. I drive hours to visit family. I fill in on short notice to help a friend at work.

Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday. I have not been there since April. I wanted to go with my daughter. So that is what I did. We went there and looked at dad’s grave decorations. We added our own Christmas decorations. We took pictures. We had fun. We spent over thirty minutes there. Then I headed to my parents’ house. Mom was at church. So, we sat outside and played with the dog. We waited outside for maybe twenty minutes – no big deal. We were entertained and having fun. Mom gets to her house and is annoyed that I didn’t text or call her so she could have left church early. I told her it was no big deal. We were just playing with the dog and looking at the pictures we’d took of the cemetery.

Oops. Shouldn’t have said that. She gets mad immediately. She asked why I went to the cemetery. Why couldn’t everyone go together.

First off, I wanted to go with my daughter. Just us. Everyone else lives in the same town, so they can go visit the cemetery anytime they want. I don’t get that opportunity. I wanted it to be us. Secondly, it was never stated that the entire family would go to the cemetery. I know better than to assume anything without it being stated and confirmed. Third, I did say I wanted to go to the cemetery. She never said “okay” or “we’ll all go together.”

So, selfish or not… I DON’T CARE. I did what I wanted for once without concern of others.

Visiting His Grave

Plan on going to visit dad’s grave today. Haven’t been there since April. I plan on it just being my daughter and myself. Once my mom and brothers get out of church, we’ll have Christmas at my parents’ house.

I have so much anxiety about today.

Actually, I have been a mess for the past few days. I cry all the time. It’s almost how I was this time last year. My eating is completely out of control. I have tried to keep myself busy by crafting. Eh, it works for a bit and then I loose interest or I get to a point where I have to wait (for paint to dry or wait for the wood glue to set up).

I have joined a support group online for anxiety and depression. However, I am already considering leaving it. The posts gives me even more anxiety. I want to talk to people that understand, but so many of them are in dark places right now.

Criminal Case is Over

It’s been over a year since my dad was killed, but the criminal case is finally over. It was not the outcome I wanted. He got seven years. At least we have some closure.

I am now working a combination of four jobs, plus running my daughter to all of her activities. Life has been a little hectic. Well, I felt like I was consistently having to remember to take my medications. The doctor has me on such a high dose of antidepressants that I am having to take three antidepressants throughout each day. Between a combination of being busy, forgetting, and honestly being stubborn and thinking “I’ve got this” has led to me not taking my medication for several days in a row. Apparently that is a major mistake. I have not been able to sleep. I am physically ill. I have trouble functioning. So, last night I did take a dose of my medication. I actually got some sleep. I woke up feeling a little better.

One Year

I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was difficult for me. I am still angry at myself for letting stupid family drama prevent me from saying ‘goodbye’ to my dad. I know dad forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.

November 30 was one year. Can not believe it has been a year. It still feels like yesterday calling my mom and her saying “dad didn’t make it.” I worked about 16 hours that day. So, I really kept myself distracted. I did cry, but I kept myself together while around others.

There was a pretrial. A deal was made. He agreed to plead guilty to all accounts for 10 years – three years being suspended. So, there will be no jury trial. He will go in front of the judge and see what the judge decides.

I got the new job. I haven’t got to start yet. Let’s hope I get to start soon. I really hope it was the right choice. I have been with the one company for three years, but the new company offers better pay and more benefits for doing pretty much the same thing. It’s just being the new kid takes a while to get assigned for things.

Hmm… nothing new with ex. He is choosing girlfriend’s kids over our daughter. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do.

Dating. Ha. I can’t find anyone worth the time of getting to know. Really hoping one day the right guy walks into my life. But at this rate, the poor bastard must be lost and refusing to ask for directions.

My daughter is doing amazing in school. Last year, she struggled with band. She cried and wanted to quit on a daily basis. I told her EVERYONE hates beginning band – its boring because you are learning notes, chords, and faking it until you make it. It is hell listening to the squeaks and awful noises. It is torture on your body because you are using muscles you’ve never used before. I told her to give it another year. I told her at the beginning of this year after this year if she still wants to quit band then she could. She is halfway through the school year. She LOVES band. She makes 100% on assignments.

First Thanksgiving Without Dad

Yesterday, was a challenging day for several reasons.

It was the first Thanksgiving without dad. It was a year since I’ve seen my dad alive. Regrets and memories from last year started first thing yesterday morning. Hating myself for leaving without saying goodbye last year. I never imagined that would be the last time I would ever see him.

It definitely wasn’t the same without him there. Typically, dinner is us sitting around the table eating, telling stories, and laughing. Besides some conversation with my brother and of course with my daughter, there was no talking. Besides taking snapchat filtered pictures with my daughter, there was no laughing. It was horrible.

I did not get to go to his grave because the weather was horrible. I wouldn’t have been able to get to his grave. I’m hoping Christmas has nice weather. I would like to sit at his grave for a little while.

Driving in the bad weather made my anxiety so bad. I was shaking. I feared wrecking my car.

I did have a wonderful time with my daughter. Too bad she’s with ex for a few days now.

Possible Settlement

The guy that killed dad has a possible deal offer. The pretrial date is coming up soon. Then the jury trial dates are set for next month.

Mom called me last night asked what I would do.

Uh… I want him to serve the maximum! Which maximum is twenty years. I want him to go to rehab and complete it. I want him to be on probation for AT LEAST five years. I think he should have to serve 250 hours of community service – for example, talking to youth about the damage of doing drugs.

BUT… what if we go to jury trial and one jury member does not find him guilty. I can not handle him just getting to walk away with a slap on the wrist. This asshole killed my dad, then when sitting in the cell BRAGGED that they could not pin anything on him because he had money.

On a more positive note, I am one step closer to getting the new job. I signed the contract. I just have to wait for the background check to be completed. Then I guess I will get to start.

Dreams

I have been taking my new medications. They are no longer making me feel sick. I still don’t sleep all night, but I’ve noticed when I do sleep it is a deeper sleep.

Last night I had a dream about lots of spiders and their webs everywhere. Apparently I have a lot of anxiety, which I do. I’m stressing about money.

I also had a dream about taking a pregnancy test. It came out positive. In the dream, I told my ex-husband it was his baby. Pregnancy is dreams represents new things – I’m ready for some new things and hopefully a break. To dream about an ex is actually supposed to be directed toward yourself. I completely believe that. I hate myself for spending as long as I did with him. I hate myself even more for continuing to sleep with him after the divorce. I haven’t been with him for four years, but I still hate myself for it.

Doctor Follow-Up and Additional Health Issues

I had my six-month follow-up appointment with my doctor.

I was already on the highest dose of this specific antidepressant. I can tell they are helping. I still have bad days. I still have negative thoughts. I’m still drained by the end of the day. So, now I am on an even higher dose. This medication maxes out, which was the dose I was taking; so, now I’m taking a lower dose three-times-a-day. We’ll see how that goes.

I told my doctor symptoms/concerns I’ve been having. He had blood work done on me. Now, I’m also on medication for thyroid issues.

I started my new medications today. I feel sick as a dog. I am fighting the urge to puke. You’re suppose to wait before eating. So new medications – both are quick release, so not gel covered.