Today, nine months ago, the unthinkable happened…
I still cry thinking about it. I am slowly getting better. I love talking about my dad. I miss him very much. I still find myself questioning “why him?”
I am still angry at myself for being so petty and letting family drama prevent me from telling my dad “I love you” and giving him a hug the last day I seen him alive. I took life for granted and assumed I would have another chance to see him on Christmas. November 30, 2018 was definitely a soul shattering day.
I think my biggest struggle is I don’t have anyone to just listen to me. Death makes people so nervous that they avoid the topic. I can’t talk about it with my daughter – that would not be fair to her. She is coping very well with everything. I can’t talk to my mom about it because she cries and then I have to get her calmed down.
I don’t want advice. I don’t want people to say “I’m sorry.” I just want someone to listen to me. I want someone to be there while I spill out all the emotions and tears that I keep hiding from the world.
The guy’s, who killed dad, criminal case is coming up. Originally, I thought I wanted to be there. As the date approaches, I don’t think I can do it. I can not sit in a court room and listen to the explicit details of my dad’s death and keep myself composed.
A quick update about my brother: He is still in ICU. They are ruling it as an accidental overdose. They are still running tests. They think he might have had a stroke.
So, life has had its ups and downs since my last post.
Tomorrow will be nine months since my dad was killed. It still doesn’t seem real. I still have dreams about my dad. In my dreams, he is alive. I wake up feeling so disappointed when I realize he is gone. That I will never get to see him or speak with him again.
My mom tells me about guys that ask her out on dates. She talks about one guy that she is interested in. I keep my feelings to myself. I get she is lonely. BUT it has only been nine months.
My brother overdosed yesterday. Mom found him and called 911. Currently, he is in ICU. If she had been 20-30 minutes later finding him, he would be dead now. It took six doses of Narcan to bring him around enough for him to be able to talk. I really don’t know anything else.
My ex went to a different state for a deployment last week. He did not tell me that he was getting deployed! He claims he told me. I’m sorry, but that is something I WOULD remember!! I told him that he did not tell me about this deployment. HOWEVER, he told me about a deployment for next year. So, we were texting back and forth about this. THEN he sends me a text that he was never going on the deployment next year. That he was just telling me about that deployment because the other guys at his base are going on it. Why would I care about the rest of his base?!? Well, the other night, he called our daughter. She got tired of holding her phone so she put it on speaker and laid it down. She asked him when he was getting back from this deployment. Then she asked him when he was going on that deployment next year – the one he told me he was never going on – he gave her dates and a time frame!!
Dating has been a joke. I have tried talking to a few guys. Local guys just want sex. I don’t want to just be used for sex. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP. So, I guess I will continue to wait around.
Our legal system is so fucked up.
The guy that killed dad is still causing chaos. His most recent act was totaling another truck. He fled the scene. Hid from the cops. When confronted by the police, he lied – said his truck was stolen.
They finally arrested him and took him in front of a judge. Bail was set for $150k. All other bails were revoked – so, he would have to pay all of them again before he could get out.
Less than two days, he had ALL of the money, in cash of course. However, bail was denied because they found out during the most recent wreck he hit a mailbox.
Now he is being held for federal charges.
I’m sorry, but WHAT THE HELL?!? He KILLED my dad and got back on the streets the next day! He hits a mailbox and can’t get out now.
The more I think about it the sicker I feel. I think about it and feel like the breath has been knocked out of me. I fight back the urge to vomit. I choke back the sting of tears. I try to keep my anxiety in check.
I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m lost. I’m alone.
I did do a makeover on my daughter’s room while she was at camp. It looks very cool. It’s shades of blue, black, and silver with various shapes with white outlines. She is in love with her room.
I ended up wrecking my car. I hydroplaned and ended up hitting a few trees. My daughter walked away without a single scratch. My injuries were minor. I had a tibia contusion and a hematoma.
I got a very nice rent car while I waited for the insurance. Actually, I liked my rental so much, I went out and found a car like it to buy. The payments are more than I really wanted, but I’m hoping it works out. The car only has 22k miles. So, fingers crossed I will not have to worry about car issues for a long time.
The payments do worry me, especially since my employer cut everyone’s pay – I took a $3/hr pay cut. Talk about wanting to cry.
My patience with my ex-husband has pretty much ran out. I really think whatever love I had left for him is completely gone. His most recent stunt was the final nail in the coffin. Our daughter was with him. He took girlfriend’s kid to the dentist while girlfriend was at work. He left our daughter at girlfriend’s house with her teenager. (Okay, so far no issues… wait for it). He told my daughter not to respond to any of my calls or texts until he got back to the house. WHAT?!? He was supposed to be bringing her back to me at 9am. At 10am, I still hadn’t heard back from either of them. I tried calling him and his phone was turned off. I finally got a text from him saying he would bring her back in a little bit. (that doesn’t tell me anything). He finally brings her home. I made my daughter go into the house. I told ex if he ever tells our daughter not to respond to me or to lie to me again I will go to the cops to file a compliant. He’s excuse? He didn’t want me to “bitch” at him for leaving our daughter at the house without him there. (hmmm… news flash… he does it ALL the time.)
I am still taking my antidepressants. Some days I find the energy and motivation to get up and do things. Other days, it takes everything I have to force myself to crawl out of bed.
This past week has been very trying.
I had someone hack into my bank account. I’m still trying to fight those charges. I have my email setup where you have to get permission from my phone first. Someone has been trying to hack into my email account.
I had a random person message me on social media. They asked if the person killed in November was my dad. Said they knew the man that was driving and hopes he rots in jail. They wanted information about a trial.
Talk about red flags. I don’t know this person. I did not respond. First off, they are friends with this guy and his late wife. Second, trial information is available to the public so don’t ask me information. Third, how fucking cold can you be to message someone about this situation.
HOPEFULLY all the scammers are done trying to fuck up my life. I don’t know if I can take much more.
Then, I hate to admit it, but I got my feelings hurt bad. My daughter keeps asking what time her dentist appointment is and telling me to tell ex so he can be there. Ex hasn’t even asked. So, I’m worrying why is it so important that he be there?!? I find out it is because ex told her that he would ask the dentist about braces for her. Hell, I can do that – actually I have already took the steps needed to have her checked. Ex thinks he is going to walk in and ask for the dentist to look at her teeth and ask for braces and get to be a hero. When in reality, the dentist that is there isn’t even the one that has to be talked to about the possibility of braces. So, I have it set up for her appointment for the one dentist to look at her teeth. If he thinks braces might be needed then I already have a consultation day set up with the correct dentist.
My feelings are hurt because I would – and do – bend over backwards for my daughter. I go through all of this and I don’t get acknowledged. She is so set on having ex there. But does she act the same way to make sure I would be somewhere? I don’t know.
I know, I know. Parenting is hard. You do things without a thank you or acknowledgment. That is life. That is what it takes to be a good parent. I know ex is her father. I know it is not a competition. But I still feel hurt by the situation.
I have realized something, death and divorce are so similar. They both make people so nervous and unsure of how to react and respond to someone going through the situation. The person living in the situation is so lost and confused.
Now, I know there are some people that want divorce.
I filed for my divorce – honestly only because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have ever been filed. I’m not joking. I ran back to ex. I tried to convince him to give “us” another chance. I slipped into a major depression so deep that I truly believed suicide was my only way out.
I hear a lot of people saying “congratulations” to someone who recently got divorced. This reminds me of the whole situation of saying “I’m sorry” to someone at a funeral. We really don’t know what else to say.
Even if the person wanted the divorce, maybe they do not see anything to be celebrating. At the time, I seen the “death” of my marriage, my family. I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother. I failed as a person. I did not want to celebrate anything.
Just like after my dad was killed, I was so tired of hearing people say “I’m sorry.”
However, how I have handled myself in both situations has really made a big difference. After my divorce, I was depressed and suicidal. I kept it a secret that I was still sleeping with my ex-husband. I felt cheap and worthless. I did not seek any help. I seriously did not believe I deserved any help. With my dad’s death, I allowed myself to cry in front of others. I allowed myself to hug and be comforted by a stranger. I found others living in a similar situation as myself. I used my blog to write out my feelings. I went to the doctor to get medication for my depression.
I took my daughter to get her hair done – a gift from my parents for her being a straight A student. It is an ombre look. It goes from light brown to sun-kissed blonde. It actually looks very natural on her. It looks like she has spent the whole summer in the sun. She absolutely LOVES it! Anyway, I had not told ex that I was having her hair done. He had promised to get her hair done a couple of months ago. Then he keeps making up different excuses and putting it off. This weekend was the first time ex seen her new hair. Apparently no one noticed. My daughter said she had to tell girlfriend and her kids. She gave ex several hints. Then he said “cool, you got highlights.” My daughter said ex sounded very snotty about it. All I could do was apologize. I HATE apologizing for ex’s behavior. I hate that he is fucking up his relationship with our daughter. I hate that he is a tool. I cannot apologize that he is her father.
Oh, my ex got a taste of his own medicine – not on purpose. So, I told my daughter to ask if ex would be home around 4ish. She misheard me and typed 3. When 3pm came and went and we were not there ex started texting our daughter’s phone. He didn’t text or call me. I thought it was kind of funny because he is not concerned if he is late nor will he communicate with me. I didn’t realize the goof up. I would have text ex, but I was driving. But when I was “late” he threw a fit.
He couldn’t even come out of the house to greet us when I dropped our daughter off. That is low. I come out each time. Oh well.
Just when I think “Okay, I’ve got this. I can handle it.” BOOM, something else happens.
Today’s “challenge”… someone hacked into my bank account. I have transactions I did not make. I AM NOT HAPPY!!
I am also not thinking clearly, because I was calling the bank thinking “why the hell are they NOT opened?!?” Oh, it’s the fucking weekend…
Then to kill time, I got online to check out online dating sites. My annoyance level is already high. Then I get several messages. I’m currently biting my tongue and just deleting them.
I was scrolling on social media. My mom shared a video. It was seven years old. It was dad helping a toddler sing the alphabet song. That was the first time I have heard his voice in almost seven months. I completely lost it.
I have already cried a lot today. Just ready to get this day over with.