Weight Loss Journey

Obviously since I write under a pseudo name I can not post pictures, but I am going to begin another difficult chapter in my life: weight loss.

Just typing that sentence is scary. It brings back so many memories, and emotions.

I have struggled with my weight since third grade. When I was seven-years-old, a family member passed away. I was extremely close to that person. I seen the person the day they passed away – they had cancer. We knew they were dying. I was told not to let them see me cry. So, that day I kept my distance. I stayed on the other side of the room. All of the hospital equipment sitting in their living room. I could not bring myself to go to them and give them a kiss and say goodbye – a mistake that will forever haunt me. They passed away that night. I never got to say “goodbye” or “I love you.” After that, I became an emotional eater. Everyone else seemed to go on without any problems and no one talked to me about my feelings. I found comfort in food.

Growing up, my mom put me on different diets. Never worked. When I entered seventh grade, I had to join athletics. I did not lose weight that year either.

In eight grade I found something that did finally make me start losing weight: eating disorders. At first, I would skip a meal here or there. It was working. I was losing weight. No one said anything to me about it.

I continued that behavior through high school. I made excuses about why I wasn’t eating. I know people knew what I was doing, but no one spoke up! I know people could see I was sick, but no one offered help! At my lowest weight, I was 100 lbs.

A few years ago, I seen a picture of myself during that time frame. I was smiling in the picture, but I didn’t look happy. I looked like I didn’t feel good. I looked like I needed help. I could not believe what I was seeing in that photo. There are not many pictures of myself as a teenager, but that is one I will always remember.

In college, I did start to eat. For a few years, I was at a healthy weight. I went back into old habits of being an emotional eater.

During my pregnancy, I was so sick morning, noon, and night. After that, I never wanted to vomit again! And after years of starving myself, I hate to feel hungry.

You would think those hunger pains go away. No. They are always there. You learn to ignore and just live with them. I hate those memories.

Of course, my emotional eating continued with my marriage and into my divorce.

I thought the divorce diet would help. I slipped into a couple of months of depression where I was physically sick. I did lose weight – about 20 lbs – but I have since gained that back.

A couple of years ago, a friend bought a gym and invited me to join. I did. I joined her class. We did about two hours of aerobics and strength training five days a week. Of course the weight was coming off. I was starting to look good. I was gaining muscles and losing inches. My clothes were so baggy. Even my ex-husband gave me compliments about how good I was looking – he never told me I was pretty or good looking in our marriage.

I continued this for a year. She left the gym. There were no more classes. I lost motivation. I did not have a workout buddy. Without that motivation, I gained that weight and all of those inches back.

I do walk with my child and my dog in the spring and fall occasionally. Winter and summer depends on the weather, of course. But that is a short walk of maybe 15 to 20 minutes.

I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. My child is old enough to workout with me. She does multiple sports: cheer, tumbling, softball, soccer. So, she has to workout too.

So, I am beginning my weight loss journey again.

I have worked out the past two days. My body is stiff and sore. But doing it with my child, and seeing how excited she is that I am doing it with her, really helps. She is definitely my motivation. I want to be able to keep up with her. I want to be around to see her graduate, start a career, get married, have a family, and have a wonderful life.

So, as I said, I am starting this weight loss journey again. I am at my heaviest weight: 280lbs. I know the weight isn’t going to fly off and I become 150lbs overnight. It took years to gain this weight. It will take time to lose it – in a healthy way.

My first goal is to get to 260lbs.

Excited, nervous, scared… but it has to be done. Let’s begin.

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I lost my best friend after the divorce

I have known my ex-husband since high school. We were best friends since ninth grade. Even before we started dating everyone thought we were dating. It was an odd relationship. I could see me being with him even before we were a couple. (Funny thing is, I could only imagine being married to him into my thirties. I couldn’t see myself growing old with him – ironic? I got divorced when I was thirty.)

I lost my best friend after the divorce. It was so hard to stop wanting to tell him about my day. It was second nature telling him everything. He was one person who knew everything about me. He’d seen me at my lowest and was still there – or so I thought.

For years after the divorce, I felt so lost. I’d lost a piece of me – that trust I could give to someone else. With online dating it is hard to open up to people, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I do miss having that best friend to talk to all night and be with.

But, I don’t miss him being my best friend.

There was a time I loved hearing his voice. I loved the feel of his arms around me and my head resting against his chest listening to his heartbeat. I loved hearing his laughter. I loved listening to his same stories and jokes that I’d heard hundreds of times before.

Not now…

Yesterday, he called – video chatted – our daughter on her phone. She had him on speaker before going to another room to finish the conversation. I didn’t even recognize his voice. It actually took me a couple of seconds to realize who my child was talking to.

It amazes me how far I have came since my divorce.

I still want that best friend type of relationship with the right person. I wait for that person to enter my life.

A tad jealous…

Typically I am over my ex-husband. I don’t want him back. The things I used to find cute actually annoy the hell out of me now. However, yesterday something happened that actually brought on a little hurt and jealousy.

Ex is currently deployed – not a clue when he is coming back, he will not talk to me. Instead he messages our child and she has to relay messages to me. Here’s the thing, I am not upset that he is not “chatting” with me – who cares! I am annoyed that if it is something I need to know or something I should know, he is not able to send me a message – what is he afraid of?

Anyway, so yesterday my kiddo had her phone and out of the blue exclaimed “Why do I care?!?” Of course I asked her what was going on. Apparently, ex had messaged her asking when school starts back in the fall. She had respond that she did not know. Ex said that girlfriend’s kids – who go to a different school district – already know when school starts in the fall. I have an idea of the week school starts, but not the exact date – there’s nothing posted on the school’s website or social media. I was curious why he wanted to know – how much effort should I put into finding out the answer right then?

Apparently, ex is planning a big “family” vacation when he gets back. This hurts for two reasons: 1. he will only go on a day girlfriend and her kids can make it – but ironically, they have taken vacations and trips together without our daughter. I get he has been deployed for a couple of months. I would love for him to take our daughter on a vacation and spend some time with her. However, I know what will happen. 2. we never took vacations during our marriage. I remember one vacation – which it was so much fun – but it was a couple of hours away for one night. Now, they constantly go out of state (another complaint – think I should be entitled to know if my child is being taken out of state just in case something happens) or rent a cabin.

Yes, I’m jealous. I’m jealous that I struggle each month with money and he can just spend and travel as he pleases. I’m jealous that girlfriend gets the trips and quality time that I never got – honestly, don’t think that would have saved our marriage anyway.

I’m trying to not to be jealous. I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her father and the girlfriend – if she is going to be in my kid’s life, I expect them to get along and for her to treat my child right. I’m trying not to ask where’s karma? He was the one that was unfaithful! He was the one that never wanted more children! He was the one that used me for sex even after the marriage was over. He was the one that told me he will never get married again – Yes, another fear of mine: ex’s marriage. I hold my breath every Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and birthdays waiting to be blindsided.

I know I’m being childish, but there is still some hurt. Honestly, I don’t see me getting upset or crying but there is still some jealousy — mainly, I want to be taken to the beach for a much needed vacation. haha!

Honestly, I know I should delete this entry – forget about it completely – but I know it is bothering me. Not really the vacation aspect – great, can’t wait to hear about my daughter’s adventure and see gorgeous pictures of the beach. The failure of communication between us as parents is what is really bothering me. Last night I had a dream about my ex-husband:

We were in the car together. He was driving. I was trying to ask him something and talk to him. He was screaming at me and telling me not to talk to him because we are divorced, and divorced couples don’t have to talk to each other.

In my dream, I remember hearing my daughter’s voice from the back seat saying: please help. Please make my mom and dad stop fighting. Please help us.

That last part really stuck with me. I don’t want my child to feel like she is caught in the middle, or that she has to take a side. I don’t want her to grow up with parents that can not be around each other.

Damaged Goods

When I entered the dating world post divorce, I actually considered myself – and even remember describing myself – as “damaged goods.” You know when you go to the store and you see that can of food – usually vegetables – that looks like someone beat the hell out of it and then decided to put it back on the self and choose something “better.” That was me – the can with all the dents and scrapes. People would see the outside and not care that the inside was still good and worth having. Every relationship and date that I have been in and on has been bad, toxic, well… damaging. I allowed it because I figured no one would take the damaged goods, so I cannot, and should not, be too picky.

Each day, I get better. I heal a little more. My anxiety is controlled – majority of the time. My depression isn’t too bad. We all get sad – we’re human. But I can still function and I can still find joy.

I know I want a relationship – a healthy relationship. I know I want this amazing partner in life. I know I deserve it. I know this person will not view me as a damaged canned food that has been pushed around for something “better,” but instead will view me as a vintage car. Sure, there might be some dings and dents. Some of the paint might be missing. She might need some work because the previous owner neglected her and left her to rust and decay. But this person will be able to see the inner beauty and the potential.

Learning to Smile

I work part-time as a photographer. I have worked as a photographer for the past seventeen years. I love my job.

Yesterday, I was taking pictures of different individuals, ages from one year up to early twenties, for a pageant. Some children walk in and are ready for their time to shine. They smile. They pose. Some do not want to be there. They cry. They throw a fit. They give dirty looks and angry expressions. Then you have the third group. These are the ones that want to be there, but don’t know how to smile or how to pose. They try, but it is awkward and forced. Just like life.

I have lived in all three groups throughout my lifetime. Smiling, ready to take on the world. Waiting for my time in the spotlight. Angry. Angry at myself. Angry at the world. And, honestly, not afraid to hide it. And, just like the third group, wanting to be there. Wanting to try. But having to force myself to be happy. Having to put on a brave face; even though, I am crying on the inside.

One mom, yesterday, brought in two children – ages 8 and 10. Both of them fit into the third group. Great kids, but didn’t know how to smile in front of the camera. I told mom that typically kids really don’t learn how to smile until ages 9 or 10. It is one thing to smile because you are laughing and having fun. It is another story bringing a smile when a stranger is pointing a camera at you.

How true is that? People looked at me during my marriage and now after my divorce – just like having a stranger pointing a camera at me – and I have to bring a smile. I have to fake a smile at times.

We have to teach ourselves to smile. We have to practice smiling even when we don’t want to smile. Not only for people around us, but also for our children. I don’t want my child to see me crying and depressed. It is not her job to worry and stress about me. Her job is to be a kid.

After my divorce was started – it took eleven months for my divorce to finalize – I was diagnosed with Stress and Anxiety Disorder. I fell into a major depression where I was physically sick for a couple of months. I remember times when my child was with ex just sitting at home, staring at the wall. No TV on. No lights on. Just lost.

I am better now. It is hard some days. But most days I am back in the first group – Smiling and ready for my time to shine.

Single and Feeling Alone

It’s been about a month since I found out the guy I was seeing – and in love with – was living a double life. I’m sure he has moved on to another victim. I’m still single. I got back on the dating sites right away after I found out about him being a serial cheater. I refused to let one asshole ruin my search for finding the one. However, as the days and weeks passed, I am having more of a negative outlook. I don’t have the motivation to try to seek out possible suitors. I delete messages without viewing profiles because they don’t fit in the age range I’m wanting. Or their spelling and/or grammar are such a turn off. Or, and this is a major one – and a very common one – they gross me out with messages like “let daddy take care of you” or “looking for a good time. text me.”

I’ve tried chatting with four guys and one girl since the serial cheater. The first guy, we’d chatted off and on for several – and I mean SEVERAL – months before the serial cheater was even in the picture. All of a sudden, he is demanding pictures. When I refused, he blocked me. The next guy, way too young for me. His immaturity showed. He really just wanted to hook up with an older woman. The third guy, first off used an older picture of himself – very misleading! – then turns out he was still married. The fourth guy, I just wasn’t feeling it. He texted me every morning – “good morning” or “how was your night?” But then was silent most of the day, then I received the “how was your day?” text. He didn’t try to get to know me. And, honestly, I couldn’t even remember his name. Even though I have been attracted to girls since middle school I have never acted on it. I confessed about having a crush on a friend of mine in high school, and she completely freaked. She stopped talking to me. So, I decided to just stick with guys. So, this one girl online contacted me first. I figured it would be weird or awkward chatting with another female with the interest of dating and being intimate. Surprisingly, it wasn’t. It was very natural. We chatted. We flirted. Went well for about a week and a half, then I figured she lost interest. I’d sent a message; she’d read it. No reply. Well, I’m not going to chase or beg. So, I deleted her.

I don’t want to throw in the towel. I want to date, but I am sick of going through all of the creeps day in and day out. Isn’t time for me to find a decent person?!? Might not be my soulmate, but come on a date isn’t too much to ask for – or is it?

Most of the time, I don’t mind being single. But weekends like this – my daughter is staying all weekend with a friend – I want to have a date. I want to chat. So, I scroll through hundreds of online profiles and can’t find anyone I want to try to chat with because I just think to myself: are they married? what are they hiding?

Parenting

One of the hardest things to adjust to after divorce is visitations. I was used to having my child all of the time, and I still remember the first weekend away from her. We both cried. She didn’t understand why she had to go, but I didn’t go with her. That has been years ago, but I still remember it as if it were yesterday.

So, I have been fairly silent the past few days because I have been so busy between work and my child’s activities. We played cards for a couple of hours each night for the past three days. We’ve watched movies. We talked. I’ve heard her laugh. I’ve watched her practice cheer and tumbling. I watch her eyes light up when she gets closer to mastering a skill. I’ve watched up get up in front of a crowd and talk with confidence. I’ve watched her lose with grace. I’ve also seen the upset and heartbreak of disappointment. It has been a wonderful past few days. I have enjoyed every minute of it.

But that’s something I really hate about being divorced – missing my child’s life. Missing these awesome moments while she is at her dad’s house. She is growing up so fast and I miss key moments. It is hard, but I always look forward to when she comes back home and tells me about what I missed. I swallow my hurt and I listen. I know it is going to include ex – obviously – his girlfriend, and her children, but I continue to listen and love every minute of it. Just because I am not there, my child is still sharing her life with me.

Father’s Day

First off, happy father’s day to all my followers that are fathers.

I seen a post online the other day about watching out because all the single mother’s were going to try to claim today. It included a heated debate. Some believed that if you are not male then this holiday has nothing to do with you. Some believed that if they play the role of mother and father, then they have the right to celebrate this day. Others brought up the issue of same sex couples. However, my favorite response was about what does it matter how others celebrate today. It is not hurting you so leave them be.

I decided for this post to make it very positive. I read about so many couples, and their hate for each other,and the impact it has on their ability to co-parent. Now, do not think that my ex and I are picture perfect co-parents – we’re not, yet. We are able to be civil. We co-parent. But we still have a ways to go before it is perfect.

I want to focus on the positives of my ex-husband for today. First, we made an amazing child. She is beautiful, intelligent, and has a big heart. He is able to provide for his child financially. He provides child support. He helps buy school clothes. He helps with expenses for her to do multiple sports throughout the year. He spends money on her just because. I know that sounds negative, and I used to view it as a negative. It was a slap in the face that I could not get her a toy or a little something extra because money is always so tight. But ex can afford it and then he would show off in front of me. How do I view it now? He is spending money on HIS child. Let him. I don’t mind the Disneyland co-parent. He provides a roof over her head. When she goes to him for his visitation I know that she does have a place to sleep – whether it is at his house or at girlfriend’s house. He does not do drugs. He has never walked away. Even though he was not faithful to me, he has never disappeared from her life. Now, I have had to remind him to call or to spend time with her, but he has always be around. For the most part, we can communicate.

I started out my morning by messaging my father and my ex-husband. I am looking forward to spending the day with my child since ex is currently deployed. Figured we will catch a movie, have some lunch, and try to figure out what to get ex for Father’s Day.

No response is still a response

This lesson is an important one: learning no response is still a response.

I hear about individuals either texting their ex and not hearing back, or ex texts them and they are not sure of how to respond. I’ve had the same experiences. Also, with online dating often there are no responses.

Now, in today’s society we all have our phones for a good portion of the day. Some of us may not have our phone on and looking at it the entire day, but do check time sometime during the day. I am guilty of having my phone on silent and forgetting to check it. I am also guilty of seeing a message and not responding – whether it is because I do not want to respond or I do not know how to respond.

There are three scenarios to look at for today’s post: not getting a text back from an ex; responding to an ex; and online dating.

Not getting a text back from an ex is a tough situation. I assume if you are texting ex then you have children together. Definitely text – it’s a paper trail. It is proof that you are attempting to contact and the other parent is refusing to participate. Now, my ex is attached to his phone for a major part of the day. I know I will get a response – eventually. I do text to keep him updated on our child. Remember, your ex is an adult if they want to see the children they will respond. If they do not respond then you have their decision, sadly.

How to respond to a text from your ex. I see several examples of the ex sending a message to be spiteful. For example, they were still legally married but he was already seeing someone else. He sent a happy anniversary text to her with a hug emoji. She did not know how to respond. Don’t respond. He is trying to hurt you. He is trying to make you feel like it is your fault, or there is something wrong with you. Just do not respond. However, if you are choosing not to respond to a text from your ex about the children because you hate your ex or their partner, remember to love your children more than you hate your ex. I have seen where the ex is asking for a weekend with the children and the individual refuses to answer. I get there is hate. I get there is disgust. However, your children do not hate their parent(s). Just because the parents are divorced doesn’t need the parents divorced the children. Now, I know there are parents that walked away and never looked back – that is not situation for today’s post. Another example, I seen a message where the children were sick and the other women texted the biological mom and asked if the children needed any juice or anything. The biological mom did not want to respond. Put your feelings of anger and hurt to the side and do what is best for your children. It is not easy. I hate the thought of me being replaced as mom, not has his lover or his wife. I swallow my pride and my hurt and I tell my child and my ex to have fun during their time together. There have been texts that I read and had to walk away from because I really did not know how to respond. I had to think about what I wanted to say and what I should say. But if it is about my child, I do respond. Anything else I either don’t respond – still a response – or I reply with “Okay.”

Online dating and responding. I have been on both sides of this situation. I have had people not respond to me. It is hurtful, don’t get me wrong. If it is the first message then I brush it off. They were not the one. If they send me a message and I am not interested, occasionally I will not respond. I have tried saying “I’m not interested” and depending on the person it can get mean after that. Now, if it is someone I have been chatting with for a while and I don’t respond that is harder to brush off. It depends on how long has it been since I’ve heard from them. A couple of hours isn’t bad. Maybe their phone died. Maybe they are busy with the children. A couple of days go by, I’m pretty sure I am done. Sorry – not sorry. Don’t mean to sound harsh, but from personal experience – and yes, I am guilty of not hearing from a guy for several days and they message me, and I forgive them – but they are playing the field. They are keeping me around enough from them to contact me, if needed. If you are important to the person, they will find a few seconds in the day to message you.