Random Thoughts for Today

Weight loss update; C-section story; Co-parenting Guilt; and Online dating adventures…

My mind has a million thoughts racing around today. So, let’s see if I can place some of this randomness in enough order its easy to understand and follow.

Weight Loss Update

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted about my weight loss journey. Honestly, I’ve slacked a bit on my exercising. I live in a trailer house and during the summer months its like living in a tin can. I make the excuse of the heat to pass on working out for the day.

I have been mindful of what I eat, and when I eat. It’s easy for us to just grab something in town. My daughter has so many activities that fast food is just convenient. I am cooking at home.

So, drum roll please… I’ve lost 11 lbs.

I know, that’s not much. I still have so much more to lose, but baby steps. When I began this weight loss journey I weighed 280 lbs. I want the weight to stay off. I want to make it be a habit, not a fad diet. I know with diets I would lose the weight, and once I stop the diet I would gain all the weight back. So, I stepped on the scale – honestly, very nervous – but it read 269. It’s a start.

C-Section

I had a planned c-section with my daughter. During my pregnancy I was sick morning, noon, and night. For two weeks straight, I could not keep anything down – not even water. I lost 24lbs during those two weeks. I was so sure I was going to have a miscarriage. At 9 weeks, I found a new doctor. (My first doctor – during those two weeks – would not return my calls. When I did have an appointment, I did not even get to meet the doctor. I had her nurse. The nurse only focused on how fat I was. The nurse told me if I planned on actually having the baby I better lose some weight.)

My new doctor was amazing. He told me that I could still have a healthy baby even at my weight. When I scheduled an appointment with the new doctor, he admitted me to the hospital. I was severely dehydrated. He also wanted a ultrasound to see how the baby was. During that 9 week ultrasound, they found two tumors. He told me that the tumors would have to be removed after I gave birth to my daughter. We decided instead of making me go through labor, delivery, and then surgery, I would just have a c-section.

Before my c-section, I’d never even had a surgery. I’d never had a cavity or even broken a bone. I did not know what to really expect. I’d never met anyone who’d had a c-section before.

I’ve never regretted having a c-section. I actually plan on getting a c-section awareness tattoo. I do wander if I will be able to give birth naturally or automatically another c-section if and when I get pregnant again.

A friend on Facebook had a c-section earlier this week. Yesterday, she posted about her fear and the feeling of being strapped down and not having control of her body. Along with this statement, she shared a post. The post was from another woman, who’d had two c-sections (planned and emergency). I read through the post. I’ve had a c-section and that post was terrifying. She had a negative spin on the entire situation. She talked about the pain was unbearable.

Okay, I get it, we all have different pain tolerances. I used to self-injure. Cutting is nothing for me. I have 12 tattoos, a walk in the park – except for the 3 hour one on my thigh. I was good for the first 2.5 hours. That last 30 minutes, I thought I was going to cry.

The post talked about how painful the spinal block was. In my experience, it was a slight pinch. Then you feel pressure going through your spine. The post talked about feeling all the tearing and moving. Okay, yes. You feel everything! But… and this but is important… There is no pain!! You are numb! It feels like you are being unzipped. You feel the tugging, the cutting, the moving of your organs. You feel all this weight loss when they pull out the baby. I felt more tugging and pulling when the doctor removed the tumors. (One was 14 centimeters, and other was 10 centimeters. He said they were so tough, he could not cut through either of them.)

The most pain I remember is when they removed the catheter, or when removing the staples – one staple was crooked. It took the nurse cutting the staple in half and twisting it out. It was a stinging pain, but I would do it all again for my daughter.

I see posts of woman calling c-sections the “easy” way out. First off, child birth is not easy, I don’t care if it was natural or c-section. Our bodies go through a lot to bring a child into this world. There’s tearing, and cutting. There’s pain. There’s healing.

Guilt from a Disneyland Co-parent

My ex has money to waste, and he does. I struggle to make my bills some months. Occasionally, I am able to waste money and take my daughter to the movies or something fun.

Ex was deployed during July 4 – his favorite holiday. He gave girlfriend a couple hundreds of dollars to buy fireworks. They shot the fireworks off last night. My daughter texts me, telling me how awesome the fireworks were. I reply, I’m glad.

I am glad she had fun. I am sorry I was not able to buy fireworks – actually there is a post about that situation. I offered to buy some, and my daughter said not to worry about it.

I hate feeling like the loser parent. The UN fun parent. I pay my bills. I make sure my child is fed. We play games, we visit. I take her to her millions of activities. I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to, but I still feel guilty, and jealous.

Online Dating

Had a guy message me yesterday. He was very attractive. Hated that his profile pictures included children – I assume his, but you never really know. That is a red flag. Next red flag, his profile said he was from one state and he stated he was from a different state. Hmm… two red flags. Sorry buddy, you’re blocked.

Damn. I was hoping for some conversation.

Oh well, my search continues.