One obstacle down

Yesterday I took my daughter to visit my grandfather. I have not seen him in several months. I knew he was going to be thin and weak, but I was not really prepared. He sat in his wheelchair, a skeleton. It took him a few minutes to remember us, but I am very thankful that he did remember us – especially my daughter. She composed herself very well. She smiled. She talked to him. She showed him pictures. She showed him some of her cheer moves. She gave him a hug and told him she loved him. I did okay. I fought back tears a few times during our visit – it was flashbacks of my grandmother being in the same condition and my regret that I never told her goodbye. I held myself together until the end of the visit. He started taking through the house explaining when he and his wife – step grandmother – both are gone, who gets what. I broke down. I had to leave. The visit with my parents was okay. No drama, but they didn’t talk to me either. At least they did talk to my daughter.

So, I am glad I was able to be strong enough to survive the weekend. My ex should be returning from his deployment today. I haven’t heard from him, but he is texting my daughter. I’m not sure if I am ready to have ex back around. Even my parents asked my daughter if she was ready to go back to her dad’s. She said she was ready to see him, but not ready to go back to staying with him.


Nervous energy

I haven’t been sleeping very well for the past few nights. Insomnia has been my friend for so many years. Exhaustion usually takes over and I find some sleep. However, the past few nights have been a little different. Last night, I had a dream about work. The night before, I had a dream that I died, which crazy thing is my daughter dreamed I died that night too.

Think this weekend has all this nervous energy built up in me. Tomorrow I am driving a few hours away to visit family. I have not seen my family in a few months. The last visit – hell, the last few visits – have not gone well. They usually result in my mom screaming at me or crying. The last time even included her calling me names. So, why even go there? Because my grandfather is asking to see me and my daughter. His stage 4 cancer has sent him to the ER twice in a week. Within that week, he has lost six pounds (He is 6’4 and is now down to 101lbs). He stays either in bed or in his wheelchair.

I know I have to go. I know I have to take my daughter to see him and say goodbye. I don’t know if I can do this!! Every time I think about it I start crying. I know it is okay, and healthy, to mourn the loss of loved ones. I just hope I am strong enough to handle all of this for my daughter. I know what is going to be harder than seeing him like this, is going to be attending the funeral. My daughter has never been to a funeral. It has been well over ten years since I have attended one. But, when I was seven, I lost my grandmother – the person I was closest to in the entire world – to cancer. I was told I could not let her see me cry. So, the last day I went to visit her I could not bring myself to walk up to her bed to tell her that I loved her. She passed away that night. At the funeral, I was kind of numb. I did not cry during the main part of the funeral. It wasn’t until the part where the family walks past the casket to view. My dad completely broke down. I had never seen my dad cry or fall apart like that. To see him like that brought me to tears. So, I don’t know what my grandfather’s funeral will be like. This is my dad’s father. So all of these memories are in the back of my mind.

I find myself wondering if I was still married or if I was in a relationship would it be easier. I would have a shoulder to cry on. I would have a person to be my rock. Then a new fear pops into my mind, what if I end up being single. I really don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to worry about spending my final days not having loved ones around. What if I die alone, how long would it take for someone to actually find me?

Then, to add to this situation, my ex-husband is returning from his deployment within a couple of days. I hope there is no drama. We have talked some through texts – about our daughter. And the conversation is civil. Hoping it stays civil.

I’m just ready to get this weekend over with…

Saying Goodbye.

Death is not easy for anyone. It is a fear for many. I have never been comfortable handling losing a loved one; however, I have to be strong and there for my child.

My grandfather has stage 4 cancer. We have known for a few years. He is slowly getting worse. He has undergone chemo and radiation. The cancer spread to bones, kidneys, and liver.

My daughter thinks very highly of my grandfather. So, when I had to tell her he had cancer it was heartbreaking. She asked if he was going to die. I have kept her informed about his condition over the last couple of years – we do not live close to my family, so going for a visit does not happen often.

Two Christmases ago, we were at my grandfather’s house and he passed out in front of everyone. Scared my daughter. That was completely new experience – seeing someone sick. We went to the ER with him. I took my daughter because if it was serious I wanted her to have the chance to say goodbye. The doctors released him that day – it was actually just an issue with medications.

We have seen him a few times since then. Each time he is more fragile. Doesn’t look like the same person.

We were supposed to visit everyone this past Mother’s Day. I had an allergic reaction and had to go to the ER on Mother’s Day. So, I did not feel up to making the trip. Selfish on my part – I’m sorry.

Last night, I received a call from my parents saying my grandfather was not able to get out of bed and is fading fast. Obviously we could not just hope in the car and go over there due to distance. We called him. Let my daughter talk to him. Tell him she loved him. I was proud of her – her voice never cracked. She talked to him and told him everything she’d be busy doing over the summer.

I just hope I am strong enough for my daughter. I hope when I have to tell her he has passed away I can provide the support she’ll need. I hope I can handle going to another funeral.

I’ve never handle death well. When I was seven we lost my grandmother to cancer. My parents didn’t want my first funeral to be hers, so they took it to several funerals before hers. I remember not crying at her funeral – I was numb to the situation – until I saw my dad cry.

I never did say goodbye to my grandmother because I had been told not to let her see me cry. I have lived with that regret for so many years. I hope my daughter doesn’t have that same regret, since she did get to speak to him on the phone last night.

This will be the first person’s death my daughter will have to deal with. We have lost pets – several. The hardest one was last November, my cat – I’d had her for over a decade – she was hit by a car. Her back half was crushed – I knew there was no saving her – but she’d managed to drag herself back home. My daughter was with me when I found her. I called the vet. I told my daughter what was happening. We walked into the vet’s office, tears pouring down both of our faces. The cat was meowing – I know she was scared and hurt. They asked if I wanted to be there when they put her down. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t sit in that room and watch my cat die. I wanted to go home, and cry.

Like I said, I don’t handle death very well. There has been lots of hard situations in my life dealing with death. I just hope I can be the emotional support my daughter needs. I hope she doesn’t follow in my footsteps – when I lost my grandmother, I became an emotional eater. I didn’t talk to anyone because everyone seemed to just move on so quickly. I couldn’t. I missed her. I was scared of going to sleep – they had told me she’d died in her sleep.

I hope I am strong enough for my daughter.