“Hate” Post Cont.


I wanted to continue writing on my post earlier, but I wanted to include a warning. So, I decided making a new post completely would be the best way to go about it. I know some of my thoughts could be triggering. So, no hard feelings if you cannot read this post.

Still thinking about being so stupid and sending that text to ex. I know I can’t change the past. Then feeling like everything I do is never “enough.”

Having rough thoughts last night and today. I want to shut down. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to hide from the world. I want to cry. Honestly, I want to cut. I want to feel control of my emotions and of my pain. I want to see that bright red blood and know that I am alive. I want to know that I’m not just some empty shell of myself just going through the motions of life.

I look at my scars. I want to slice them open. I want to feel that physical rush instead of battling all of this emotional pain.

I can’t cut. I can’t burn. I have spent hundreds of dollars trying to slowly get my scars covered with tattoos. I am not going to destroy my tattoos. I don’t want to let my daughter see struggling. I don’t want her to look at me with disappointment.

I quit smoking fifteen years ago. I can’t pick that habit back up.

So, I turn to food. A horrible coping technique. Instead of starving myself, I binge. I do emotional eating. I eat until I forget my emotions. I hate being hungry. I starved myself growing up. The hunger pains never stop, you just learn to live with them. I hate reliving those memories.

I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But in order to do that, I have to control my eating. I have to stop being an emotional eater.

So, that means I need to think of another way to deal with my emotions.

Right now, I am seriously trying. This blog is one way – a healthy way – to express what I am feeling without being judged and badmouthed. I am using music right now too.

Currently, two songs are on repeat. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing – Set It Off. The Haunting – Set It Off.

One thing, a healthy option, that has really helped is my dog. I know my parents got the dog for my daughter, but he is my buddy. He is my shadow when my daughter is not home. He makes me have to function when I just want to disappear. I have to get up and go outside to take him out or take him for a walk.

When I think if I just kill myself and no one would miss me, I know if no one else misses me my dog and daughter will both be effected.


Saying Goodbye.

Death is not easy for anyone. It is a fear for many. I have never been comfortable handling losing a loved one; however, I have to be strong and there for my child.

My grandfather has stage 4 cancer. We have known for a few years. He is slowly getting worse. He has undergone chemo and radiation. The cancer spread to bones, kidneys, and liver.

My daughter thinks very highly of my grandfather. So, when I had to tell her he had cancer it was heartbreaking. She asked if he was going to die. I have kept her informed about his condition over the last couple of years – we do not live close to my family, so going for a visit does not happen often.

Two Christmases ago, we were at my grandfather’s house and he passed out in front of everyone. Scared my daughter. That was completely new experience – seeing someone sick. We went to the ER with him. I took my daughter because if it was serious I wanted her to have the chance to say goodbye. The doctors released him that day – it was actually just an issue with medications.

We have seen him a few times since then. Each time he is more fragile. Doesn’t look like the same person.

We were supposed to visit everyone this past Mother’s Day. I had an allergic reaction and had to go to the ER on Mother’s Day. So, I did not feel up to making the trip. Selfish on my part – I’m sorry.

Last night, I received a call from my parents saying my grandfather was not able to get out of bed and is fading fast. Obviously we could not just hope in the car and go over there due to distance. We called him. Let my daughter talk to him. Tell him she loved him. I was proud of her – her voice never cracked. She talked to him and told him everything she’d be busy doing over the summer.

I just hope I am strong enough for my daughter. I hope when I have to tell her he has passed away I can provide the support she’ll need. I hope I can handle going to another funeral.

I’ve never handle death well. When I was seven we lost my grandmother to cancer. My parents didn’t want my first funeral to be hers, so they took it to several funerals before hers. I remember not crying at her funeral – I was numb to the situation – until I saw my dad cry.

I never did say goodbye to my grandmother because I had been told not to let her see me cry. I have lived with that regret for so many years. I hope my daughter doesn’t have that same regret, since she did get to speak to him on the phone last night.

This will be the first person’s death my daughter will have to deal with. We have lost pets – several. The hardest one was last November, my cat – I’d had her for over a decade – she was hit by a car. Her back half was crushed – I knew there was no saving her – but she’d managed to drag herself back home. My daughter was with me when I found her. I called the vet. I told my daughter what was happening. We walked into the vet’s office, tears pouring down both of our faces. The cat was meowing – I know she was scared and hurt. They asked if I wanted to be there when they put her down. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t sit in that room and watch my cat die. I wanted to go home, and cry.

Like I said, I don’t handle death very well. There has been lots of hard situations in my life dealing with death. I just hope I can be the emotional support my daughter needs. I hope she doesn’t follow in my footsteps – when I lost my grandmother, I became an emotional eater. I didn’t talk to anyone because everyone seemed to just move on so quickly. I couldn’t. I missed her. I was scared of going to sleep – they had told me she’d died in her sleep.

I hope I am strong enough for my daughter.